A year ago I found myself bragging to a fellow bus stop mama about how I was so "good" at disciplining my daughter and how my daughter was so "good" at obeying because of it. Unfortunately, discipline and obedience were at the nucleus of our mother-daughter relationship and I was erroneously proud of it.
What I didn’t brag about at the bus stop was the ongoing battle, the perpetual guilt, and the missing connection. I saw my daughter in emotional pain from our day-to-day interactions yet I assured her that our issues hurt me "more" than it hurt her. It didn't take much for me to lose my marbles over the "principle" of things, she lied to me often, and the worst bit: she began confessing that she sometimes felt like running away. The last bit. Went. Straight. Through. My. Heart.
Here's why: I've escaped my mom many times in many ways. I attempted to run away countless times until my mom had a lock installed on my bedroom window and then hid the keys. Eventually, I resorted to using the front door. Further down the line I picked up a two-year heroin addiction (at 16) to escape her a different way. Finally, 3 years ago, I escaped her one last time by moving away with my daughter in a teal 70s motor home. These days, I have over 9 years heroin free and a very broken relationship with my mom. How the hell did I become the control freak I vowed as a child to never become?
Our crisis only served to make me vulnerable to all the mainstream parenting "techniques" and "strategies." Be consistent. Rules. Consequences. Children are not our equals. Gold stars. You can’t be your child’s friend. Time-out. Don’t show signs of weakness. You will be taken advantage of. Behavior charts. Discipline. Structure. Control. Control. Control. I didn’t sign up to be a dog child trainer. I signed up to be a mama, dammit!
I discovered that most of the parenting books and articles on the market are geared towards behavior, training, put the needs of parents before the needs of children and I couldn't help but feel that all that material missed the underlying reasons of creating another human being.
I wanted SO bad to be that nurturing, understanding, peaceful mom (that I had also craved as a child) but I just couldn’t seem to find her when my daughter needed her the most.
Where was she when she came home from an 8 hour school day and said she learned nothing? What DO you do there all day?!
Where was she when we were leaving to the grocery store and she was still in her PJs with what appears to be a rat's nest hairdo? You can't leave the house looking like that or everyone's going to think I’m a bad mom!
Where was she when homework, reading, and showering were still not done 30 minutes before bedtime? skfmgsfngkmsfklgskflgmsldkfgmlfkmd!!
I knew deep down in my heart that our day-to-day interactions didn't have to be this way. I just had no idea why it was all such a struggle. So I began to do what my child was already doing and I began to question all my beliefs surrounding parenting. What I came to learn were a few harsh realities about my (former) parenting philosophy:
Formed from conditioned beliefs
Oppressed nearly all basic human rights of my children
Prioritized needs of society and sometimes even my own needs
Went against my intuition
Carried the baggage from my own childhood
Maybe my child really didn’t learn anything at school all day. Why was it her fault? Why am I interrogating her? Common core is common crap in my opinion anyways.
Maybe my child should be able to dress however she wants because it's her body. Why should I censor her form of expression? Do I really care what anyone thinks about how we dress?
Maybe forced homework, reading and showering isn’t a battle we needed to have in the first place. Why should I convey the pressures of the "higher ups?" What is the value of the worksheets? How will she feel about reading as an adult if she is forced to as a child?
In all my soul searching, I came to the realization that it’s 2017 and children are the most oppressed people on the planet. The veil was lifted. The 490580394853 changes that followed in our household were natural and necessary to spare my children the injustices and transform into the peaceful family we are today.
Unschooling, peaceful parenting, children's rights, baby-led breastfeeding, attachment parenting, intactivism, co-sleeping, and intuition are all terms that have deep meaning in my heart today because these philosophies honor my children's most important needs.
We no longer encounter rebellion because there’s no need for it. My daughter is free to do what she wants and she impresses me every day with the good choices she makes for herself. We no longer encounter dishonesty because there’s no need for it. My daughter knows she can tell me anything and that authority is no longer waiting to rear it's ugly head. Most importantly, she no longer wants to run away. She's happy the battle is over because I’m done operating out of fear, guilt, and control. I surrender. I realize surrendering goes against the established order of parenting in our culture but I'm writing this to declare that it's dandy. You can reject mainstream parenting and everything will be ok. Screw what other people think. That's not important. What's important is to maintain a deep connection with our children.
So much healing has taken place since we've rejected the outside pressures to parent authoritatively. My "proof" is in the peace, trust, harmony and happiness that are now at the nucleus of our relationship. I find myself treading these "forbidden" waters against the practice of mainstream parenting to do what I believe is right: to unapologetically uphold my children’s rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
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