Oh man, I wish this wouldn't need to go as far as thinking things by myself instead of letting society decide for me. But maybe the thing ultimately is to look into ourselves and find whatever we find there and hopefully learn to appreciate things in life and be happy.
I have a respect for you for going through that. It might sound weird though, as this is what I think everyone should do - however we both know not all are going through to find their own happiness instead of living in the "assumed" happiness found in the cultural constructs we are living in.