August 10, 2019. Part 4.
Marriage is on my mind. Why is that? After two divorces, why would I entertain the notion of a third marriage? I was alone for about five years after the first divorce. Around two of those years, I was really alone in that I had no girlfriend, casual sex partner, or any intimate friends. Frequently enough, I felt despair at that aloneness. Frequently enough, I regretted having divorced and wished that I could be married again. Not because I loved the person to whom I had been married, but because I liked being married. Ironically, after marrying a second time, I ached for that solitude as powerfully as I had desired marriage—proving once and for all that the grass is always greener. This second divorce also left me in a state of aloneness. My two years (that seems to be a good number for me) were lonely ones at times, but I never reached a level of despair where all I could think was how much I wanted to be married again. In fact, all I had to do was recall the horrorshow of that relationship and suddenly it made me and my hand a lot happier. And now I’ve met a woman.
Two years, by myself. Learning to love solitude. Learning that I relish the freedom that solitude brings. Learning that being alone is not the same as being lonely. So when I say that I want to marry, it is astounding. Part of what my most recent marriage and the following two years taught me is that aloneness works for me, that I don’t care for the restrictions that a marriage—even a good one—must inevitably bring. Again I ask: Why? Why do I now want to marry? Her name is Lourdes, and she is an amazing person.
People are so afraid of change. The unknown. Yet, two people will jump into the unknown via the medium of marriage without so much as a first thought let alone a second one.
Regarding all of what you just read to this point and what comes next: On recently finding myself to be something less than employed, I thought I would put some of my free time to use by keeping a writer’s journal. I soon discovered that my lack of commitment was equal to the task of sabotaging that goal. But, being a writer, I kept what I had produced.
About a year later, I found employment as the Publications Editor at Ponce School of Medicine. I wanted to establish beyond doubt that I was an interesting sort of Geek, so I began the daily habit of writing stray thoughts and ideas on a white board that hung on my office door.
More than a year later, I realized that some of those stray thoughts and ideas might be interesting enough to keep. The white board is long gone, but the habit remains.
03/17/2004: choice
03/18/2004: They sat together, heads bent close, giggling and laughing as children playing out their passions.
03/19/2004: What is the world coming to when we need to build more parking lots?
03/23/2004: He bows his head to her: a kind of obeisance. His voice is strong at first, but loses fire with each word. “It is possible to control what you think,” he says. Stroking her hair, he continues, lost in her beauty, whispering, “but is it possible to control what you desire?”
03/24/2004: If little girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice,” and little boys are made of “snips and snails and puppy dog tails,” then finding an organ donor must be a breeze!
03/25/2004: My mother always told me: “If you can't say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” . . . Imagine.
03/26/2004: Don’t just discover what you can do. Pursue what you must do.
03/29/2004: 1. When you know what is right, act on your knowledge. 2. Just because you know a thing doesn’t make it so. Paradox? Feel the burn.
03/30/2004: Time travel exists! Children.
03/31/2004: They say that history is written by the winners, but they’re wrong: History is written by the writers.
04/01/2004: Music is the pathway to heaven.
04/02/2004: With children, you must demand respect. With adults, you must earn respect. With Aretha you must spell it.
04/05/2004: Winds from the east at 10 to 12 knots. Light gusts of family throughout the day.
04/06/2004: The Children’s Crusade: This is the 13th century parent’s answer to “The Cartoon Network.”
04/07/2004: So, what are we engaged in here? Science Fiction or Science Fact?
04/12/2004: Your willingness to communicate is in direct relation to the simplicity of your language.
04/13/2004: She led a life of excess and self-abuse. Each new atrocity—committed upon herself or another—put another foot of asphalt on her road to perdition.
But she never stopped loving her mother.
04/14/2004: Did you remember to say thank you?
04/15/2004: Don’t worry, technology is just a passing fancy.
04/16/2004: If you can’t think of at least one interesting thing to say every day, then you’re not trying hard enough.
04/19/2004: Consistency is a safe haven for the dull.
04/20/2004: Consistency is a safe haven for the dull. BUT inconsistency is the final refuge of the fuzzy-headed. I mentioned paradox before, didn’t I?
04/21/2004: I’m not trying to offend you, just wake you the hell up.
04/22/2004: To him, the past was a foreign country, and he didn’t travel much.
04/23/2004: Children are a shrewd investment—not without risk.
04/26/2004: Being more intelligent than your neighbor is not a crime. Informing him of the fact won’t win you many votes, though.
04/27/2004: Love is the greatest of all responsibilities.
04/28/2004: Is the movie of your life a comedy or a tragedy?
04/29/2004: For true happiness, do at least one silly thing every day.
04/30/2004:
Play Entropy!
The newest board game from
SNARKER BROTHERS
Features:
Extra points for speeding up the eventual dissolution of the Universe
You can cause your home sun to go Nova! (This feature available only in the Multi-Galactic version)
(Coming soon: Creation!)
05/04/2004: If you don’t believe that there is an order to the universe, check out phi.
05/05/2004: Life is hard . . . but good. I said that already, but it bears repeating.
05/06/2004: If you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the precipitate. Richard P. Feynman
05/07/2004: Philosophy never stops, it just changes shape.
05/10/2004: Honesty is not a pre-requisite to success. . . . But can you afford any less?
05/11/2004: So what is our form of government? A democracy? No. A republic? Perhaps. An oligarchy? Hmm. A plutocracy? Ding! Bulls-eye!
05/12/2004: No, no, drugs are definitely destroying the youth of America. I don’t know what this world is coming to. . . . Say, hand me that coffee pot, would you?”
05/13/2004: P1: Did you remember to brush?
P2: Did you remember to make your bed?
K1: Did you remember that I’ll be out of this hellhole in two more years? Get off my back!
05/14/2004: Politics is history’s way of getting revenge.
05/17/2004: Children are the lens through which we are able to witness the passage of time.
05/18/2004: What is the heart of an onion?
05/19/2004: Remember that you always have a choice.
05/20/2004: If God were a writer, the world would make sense. August of 2013 addition: If such a thing as God existed, the world should make sense but probably still wouldn’t.
05/21/2004: In my 20s I read many of the Greek philosophers. I was struck not so much by the timelessness of what they wrote, but by how different were the times. Turns out I wrote this already. It was good enough for Trudeau.
05/24/2004: Giving your children your patience is only second best; giving them your time is ideal.
05/25/2004: Sometimes the right thing is the wrong thing. +05/26/2004: Standing here ‘neath the vault of heaven, I contemplate the infinite wonder of “what can be.”
05/26/2004 (2nd attempt): Why are so many humans afraid of abundance?
05/27/2004: Who can tell me why it’s “la mano” instead of “el mano”? Honest, I want to know.
06/01/2004: I can see. (isn’t that a blessing.)
I can hear. (isn’t that a blessing.)
I can touch. (isn’t that a blessing.)
I can be touched. (isn’t that a blessing.)
I can feel. (isn’t that a blessing.)
So why am I complaining?
06/02/2004: I sit beside the still waters, blinded by the glare of the midday sun.
06/03/2004: If thy neighbour smitheth thee of the morning, stayeth thee thy mad reprisals. He prob’ly just needeth a cup of coffee.
06/07/2004: Sometimes neither agreement nor disagreement is required.
06/08/2004: Today’s message is brought to by the International Galactic Citywide Message Distributor. See below. You (and by you I mean every man, woman, child, and sentient being [except those from the Horsehead Nebula because they wouldn’t know a good bagel if it hopped off the plate and did the tango; plus, they make my teeth itch] who is not actively being me) are (that is, an ongoing state of being, a repeated action, or a location [temporary or permanent] here (as opposed to, say, laying out by the pool snarfing Doritos and sucking down Diet Dr. Pepper).
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Hello!
This post has been manually curated, resteemed
and gifted with some virtually delicious cake
from the @helpiecake curation team!
Much love to you from all of us at @helpie!
Keep up the great work!
Best wishes to you and Lourdes. I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I also write every single day, it's a great habit to get into.
Manually curated by @akiroq.
@helpie is a Community Witness.
For more information about our project,
please visit this month’s UPDATE post.
The one that you read today is from 2003 (I think). I started making daily entries then and have kept at it. As of this writing, Lourdes and I have been married long enough to generate a college person.
I thank you, both for your best wishes and for your two reading eyes that have taken the time to look over what I've written.