I suppose at some point we all struggle with a need for control. I've written about this topic in the past and I was reconsidering it over the last week. I still feel that ultimately the need for control stems from personal desire, but what is the actual root of that desire? Why does it manifest in so many different ways? I thought I'd explore this concept in more depth today and explore my own thoughts on how to let go of the need to control anything external to ourselves.
The answers or solutions to this particular "problem" seem to stem from accepting that we feel out of control. We can feel out of control of pretty much everything and the natural response that many of us jump to is to try and control everything external to us. That can be other people, the environment, and the rules of existence itself. I spent many years trying to address my own problems by controlling the perception of all of those other factors in my life, but when I was left alone with no one or nothing else to blame, I came to the conclusion that I had to take responsibility for my own insecurities and make peace with my lack of control of anything external to myself.
I suppose that at the core of this issue is what we generally refer to as the human condition. We seem to always want what we can't have and the natural inclination is to look to other people or things to provide it. That can be love, finances, structure, or any other number of things. Learning how to manage our own desires and need for control is something that is as difficult to do as it is to teach. I feel that many of us actually do a better job of presenting that we have that control than ever actually developing it, but it is actually something that we can manage if we are willing to put the time and effort into it.
The goal is the most abstract part of this whole process, as we can't simply desire less. We can't look to another person or thing as the solution to our perceived issue, as ultimately we are the one that has to find a way to make peace with it. Making a check list and trying to create rules to manage our lives and the lives of others only works from a slavery mindset. The truth is neither I or anyone else for that matter ever has to do a single thing we don't want to do. We don't have to allow anything we don't want to allow. So why do we do it?
I've come to the conclusion from my own experience that most of us just can't see the cage we put around ourselves. We have a fear of death, abandonment, or the unknown, and we try to use other people or things to control that fear, so we in turn become slaves to the people or things we are trying to control. This can come in the form of addictions, abusive relationships, or working jobs that we don't want all to provide something we have an idea of needing. It will never be enough though. Thirty years of trying to fill that empty hole of fear inside of me with anything you can imagine from drugs to people to things just made that empty feeling keep growing.
Should anyone feel guilty for existing? Should anyone feel so indebted to another person that they sacrifice their own happiness or lives to feel in control? I can't answer that question for anyone else, but my answer is no. Holding on to ideas, people, or things that do nothing but help me placate my own fears is a zero sum game and the choice that I came to was to stop playing that game by any means necessary. It turns out that in that moment of surrender and giving up on the idea that I would ever control anything external to myself, I was able to find all of the control I ever needed and that is something that can't be taken away. I like to think of it as having faith in myself as much as everything external to myself. Namaste.
Control is part of the contraction that we have where we have to keep it up until it tires us out. Sometimes it's really hard to let things go that have energy attached to them.
I hear that. Perhaps we should all take that Frozen song a little more seriously. :)
Haven't seen Frozen yet but the part of a Disney movie that makes the most sense to me is the tea party in Alice in Wonderland with the Mad Hatter and the March Hare.
Oh I have a deep love of Alice in Wonderland. Carroll was a genius.
One thing i have learnt for sure for so many years and i permit to stick in my head is that we are not actually in control. The universe is in control. This, i think, must be a solemn admission for everyone. If not, we tend towards the drift of controlling people in all shades
Great article @clayboyn , I most recently am battling with control and your article is very helpful, thank you! I leave your post with this idea: attack everything within your own control and be intentional about not worrying about the things you can’t.
Interesting way to look at it, attacking our own beliefs and desires. It's much better than trying to attack those of others for sure. I'm glad you liked the article, thanks for reading :)
Indeed, we desire order within the chaos because it gives us a false sense of security.
We are terrified of facing our own shadow, and will do anything to avoid it. The abyss is staring back at us, and we must not turn away if we are to find lasting meaning in our lives.
Thanks for sharing.
I find that anytime I want more control of a situation, that what I truly need is more control of myself.
Yes this is something which is important to discuss, we tend to overthinking about our life, means about the future and that inturn push us into the shell of fear and this overthinking process never give any result inturn it will give more tensions and that can lead to the abusive environment in our surroundings because due to tensions, sometimes people tend to use abusive words due to anger, frustration and so many reasons. So we have to control our thought process, means have to work on those things which can give happiness and pleasure to us and this can help to face the hardships in our life. Thanks for sharing this informative post and your experience with us. 🙂
Stay Blessed.
True! Corporate culture does this to me.
If a person truly believes that they are in total control of their own destiny I believe that they are grossly mistaken.
I now believe that everything is by divine plan and, whilst we have freewill to divert or diddle with the details, ultimately life plays out to form.
These days I strive to go with the flow even when it feels uncomfortable.
Great piece ~ thanks for kicking my mind into gear!
:)
(Would welcome your thoughts over at mine if you find you have a spare mo ~ not that I'm trying to control you! ;)
I think also it is about how 'big' your world is. How many possibilities you can see around you, and that is what changes that perspective from 'I want to control what is around me' to 'I want to be in control with myself and make better choices'.
If I am in a very unequal relationship, but I think there are no equal couples or men with good perspective on it or whatever around (:D!), I would stay in it, since maybe it is usual in my society. But if I saw enough of the world and I know it doesn't have to be that way, and I would feel more in control with myself and look for something else. Same is with friendships, with jobs, with whatever.
Interesting view on the societal impact. We can't want better until we know it's possible, but even then I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side as they say. Thanks for reading and sharing your perspective.
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Sounds to me you are in the moment. I enjoyed reading your post. I am sure you will agree after reading your post whatever we focus on takes our power and we can become slaves to those we feel hold the answer to whatever it is we want. Put simply it is all an illusion we create which has the consquences of handcuffing us like the image you used. Great post!
Wise words, we need to control ourselves and let the universe take care of itself.
A message so many need to hear.. resteemed!
That's the absolut truth
Life only throws at you something she thinks you can handle, it's up to you if you raise up to the challenge or whine about it. You are never in control of your life, because life is just that, an uncontrollable series of events that can either be good or bad
I tend to agree for the most part. Victim mentality doesn't really go very far with me. We all have to find a way to make peace with ourselves.
You can spend your whole life with victim mentality, in the end it's not going to give you anything!
I make peace with myself by giving 110% of me into whatever i'm doing
Should anyone feel guilty for existing? Should anyone feel so indebted to another person that they sacrifice their own happiness or lives to feel in control? I would say definately No!
so nice wonderful post and image are perfect for the post
Smart idea @clayboyn
@josteem
Great Article, Fear of loss , hesitation can bring anyone down but ambitious person will always ignore these hurdles and follow his/her heart to achieve their goals we have seen example of "Padman" in India
Dream and go for it . Hardwork will payoff someday
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brilliant!
good!! (y)
Your post is very qualified, I was inspired after reading your writing, may I more regularly in writing for the future. Steady, keeps rich ...
I pulled with your certa, but only TV remot
A very useful post .. thanks for the info
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Most expecially..... Controlling the floods of words kicking at the edge of ur self control...............I call it The fight
“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” - John Quincy Adams
Thank you clay this is absolutely brilliant. I couldn't agree more with you. I have a bit of control issues because of my environment, but surrendering really does help you find all the control you need and already have 😁💝 you're awesome sir.
Control is an illusion. We're just puppets in the hands of God.