How am I? Are you actually asking this and wanting an answer?
Well. If I can get any sleep at all, I wake up with an emotional sledgehammer to the face within three seconds. Like when you've just recently lost a loved one or a substantial extremity. No matter what conclusions I bring myself to during the day, or right before sleep, it's all rendered null and void by the actual visceral reality of my situation which comes rushing back to my half-sleeping mind.
I lack the emotional energy to even feed myself or even buy the food to do so. Sure, I can find the energy to clean up and travel just about any distance, plaster on a smile for some cunt and do my business - but sustain myself? That's Everest.
I feel royally fucked up the ass and abandoned by all the Gods - even the wicked ones sheepishly look away when I approach to petition them. It's taking all of my strength to not smash the alter to bits and curse them, and myself, to eternity.
Every spare waking moment I have to my own is dedicated to running through what happened, what could have happened, what I've done, what I could have done, what the other has done, what the other could have done, what the other is possibly thinking - to the point my head hurts like an engine that hasn't been oiled in several years, but still runs, with each part grinding against each other part.
But likely you won't even ask how I am. Likely you'll ask as a formality with no humane or compassionate desire to reach out to another person who might be suffering. Likely this is just a question for you to lead in with your own brand of bullshit. That's fine. I'm used to that. It's the current year, the inverted Aeon of Horus, of course you don't actually give a shit. External consideration is a fool's game, it seems. The art of Feminine receptivity isn't simply left to the female sex, but left to only a few of them. Maybe the concept of digesting another's perception of reality and judgements of it and guiding them from within their framework is just too much work for people - after all, why bother when there are people being paid top dollar for that service by the hour?
Yes, yes. Complaining isn't a very good look. I should be taking this spiritual ass-raping as a cue to harden my resolve and soften my heart. I'd be denying my life's purpose if I didn't. These things take time, and why would I be doing so if not to eventually comfort some other poor schmuck who inevitably finds themselves where I am now? Aside from the things we'd like to accomplish, see, or experience - what else are we here for but to be here for each other? Some people might think that's trite or might not be able to grasp it at all, likely due to the brick wall of their own pain surrounding them, but I've got to lay down the law here. Can I risk ever again betting my heart on another single living creature who doesn't have that life principal firmly installed in their hearts? Is there really any other worthy deciding factor for any kind of relationship?
From where I sit tonight, from my aching heart and my throbbing head, there really is nothing more worthy of my prioritizing in this life.
