Today someone close to me called my self portraits awful. Something that no one would want to look at. That, who would want to hire someone who takes pictures like those? Such was the beginning to my day. Two photos shot the previous night were the offenders. The thing that had sparked a private message that's affected my entire day. Well, probably more.
How do you react to someone saying words like those? Especially from someone so close. Powerful, direct, no room for interpretation. Maybe said from a caring place, but not something to be said lightly or without caution. Words have meaning, and affects. As a creative and empathetic person, we pay close attention to each one. We often say that things don't affect us, but they do.
Why do I do shoots like this? Why do I paint my face? Blow smoke into the camera? Attempt to capture a wilder, angrier self? Warp my everyday image into something almost unrecognizable? Masks, cloth, sometimes even just my naked face... And why do I take pictures of it? Most people would just hide those things away. Stuff them to the bottom drawer of their minds and just try and live their lives. But, I can't do that.
I get into these moods. Some days good. Some days bad. Some days I just want to express myself. And, unfortunately since I suffer from depression, many of these shoots seem rather dark.
I use what I have sitting around to create another self. The things in my heart finding life through the images I capture. I set up my lights, grab my camera, and get to clicking. That's what a creative is supposed to do, right? Express through what they make? Right?
I never claim that anything I shoot is good.
I just like it, that's why I show it. A part of me, visible to others. Maybe the reason why some people don't like it is because they don't understand it. Stuffed like socks at the back of a drawer, their emotions, which should mirror mine when viewed, unable to get out. It's definitely understandable. I mean, I am tempted to live a life less consumed with emotions. To gloss over the depths of darkness that often consume me.
Maybe it's because they simply don't like it. They have a different taste, they find the technicals crap, the subject matter bores them. That's fine. No one should ever claim to appeal to everyone. And no one should ever try to appeal to everyone. The strength of a creative, in my opinion, is in their ability to identify their audience and speak as loudly to them as possible.
Maybe you can tell...but I'm still trying to find mine. That's been my greatest difficulty. Trying to find something that has traction with people around me. Day after day I shoot, market, pitch, and the only answer to my hails is silence. I seek deeper and deeper inside myself to find the seed of what could become who I am. Day in and day out I search. Am I going in the right direction? Am I speeding in the wrong one?
What's the difference between good and bad?
Is there a line to be crossed? Like a finish line... where you run this race creating along the way, and suddenly there's a checkered flag? Everyone's like, 'YOU'RE AWESOME!' Am I running the opposite direction of everyone else?
Someone told me a long time ago that that's the way to be. Different. Go against the grain. Were they lying? Or only telling me a partial truth. Be different, as long as it doesn't grate on people, doesn't hurt their feelings, or offend their sensibilities...that's how it feels like 99.9% of the time.
Do I remain true to myself, seeking? Or do I succumb to what other people are saying and go in a different direction? It seems like every time I listen to other people about what I do I find myself deeper and deeper in a hole. I wonder if it's because I'm just a screw-up with delusions of grandeur...well, not even grandeur, I just wanna know who I am. But, would a different direction be better?
Awful is a strong word to use. But at least it's a reaction. Better than apathy. We live in an attention economy and at least I got some of that this morning.
I think what you do is art and be true to who you are we don't need anymore fake people in this world ...robots in society...I appreciate being able to look at your photos through your minds eye.
Thanks! That's what I try and do with my own work, show how I see the world through my lens :)
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I didn't click on this article because of the portraits (even though I was searching the Photography category), but it was the opening sentence the pulled me in. You have written a very thought-inspiring post and I feel for you.
Always remain true to yourself, never succumb to the will of others. A conformative society is a boring place, and we need more like you. :)
That's interesting...never thought about how important that first hook line was...until now.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving those kind words. Yeah, I really don't want to conform...but in order to work there might have to be some slight adjustments, lol.
You got a 2.18% upvote from @postpromoter courtesy of @mikesthoughts!
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Incredible post! Everything: your work as photographer, the texts, the design, just perfect!
Thanks for stopping by and leaving these kind words :)
I think your self-portraits are brilliant experimental studies. As creatives, we must expand and experiment, challenge the norm. As creatives, we can’t NOT challenge perspective and preconceptions.
Thank you! I'm always tying to experiment...and since there's only 1 model always around, they turn into self portraits, hehe. Perspective and preconceptions...have to figure out how to challenge those even more :) Thanks for dropping by!
I look forward to your future experiments…
:)
Absolutely fabulous work; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Loved these so much, my humanoid master, @markangeltrueman dropped it on curie and was happy to see it got an upvote. Congrats!!
I've re-steemed this on the @steemsearch blog. Keep up the awesome blogging!
The Curator
...and that's why this platform is so important to creatives (and so many other people). Where words are not empty, but can be filled with the currency they need to keep doing what they love, or to help them survive, or to drive a point home. Where words can have actual weight in a persons life. Thank you doesn't quite cover it. But, I'll say it anyway :) Thank you!
Oh, you get my 100% for sure!
I have to be honest, it was not so much your photography that hooked me as much as your writing, Oh, baby! You can write!
Then I discovered that your magic came in the pairing of the two together. Don't change who you are, especially if you are happy with it.
I appreciate your awesomeness.
Keep on steeming!
Tip!
blush Awww. Thanks to Steemit I've had the opportunity and encouragement to really stretch my legs with both, hehe. Really appreciate the love :)
You totally deserve every bit you get! Keep it coming. (I actually liked the pictures that you posted) Are they supposed to be the bad ones?
Lol, I figured you did. ;) It was two of the pictures I posted here, one of the smoke in front of my face in the tripic, and the one with yellow in it. Yeah, surprised the heck out of me considering some of the stuff I've posted. I mean, if they thought that was bad, I got some stuff I've never showed anyone that I shot on a BAD day, hehe. Honestly, I think it's some of my best personal self-portrait work to-date..but I'm a little biased :)
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I dig the lighting. B&W definitely made the images more haunting. Very cool.
Much appreciated :)
People sometimes do sucky things - even the ones you think are your friends...or worse, your loved ones :( It definitely feels like a betrayal. And it makes you wonder whether you may be on the wrong path. But you somehow just have look back to your own internal compass...if you are steering due North, then stay true to yourself!
Always gotta be true to myself :) Can't be too mad at the person who said this, hehe. We talked, they understood. All's good. Thanks for the kind words :)
Hey @mikesthoughts wow your self photos are incredible.. That person who was hating on you is a fool who must be jealous. Seriously dude, really good.
So raw, unapologetic, bold, and creative.
You were letting your mood define your art at this particularly moment or your art define your mood.
Whichever it was, you captured some beautiful moments :)
Hehe, doubt they were jealous. They see with a different pair of eyes that have lived a very different life. We talked, figured it out, they understood :)
Super thank you for those words! Lately I've been trying to push things further and further in different directions. Got some strange creative things coming up, hehe. Stick around for the show ;)
good post
please input me in your group
“The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul.” - C. JoyBell C
...damn, good quote. The only person you have to be around all the time...you'd better get to know yourself well. :) Thanks for stopping by and dropping that awesome quote!