When you just have one of those days? Or nights? Or even just an hour or passing thought?
What do you do when self-doubt kicks in?
I have now been a freelancer for about two months, and when I first took the leap these self-doubt spirals were pretty frequent. I've gotten a better hang of them, or at least I thought I had until tonight. I had a pretty decent day, I've been working all month, and am booked this week, but my expenses scare me and the fear was set off when I was offered weekend work if I wanted. I don't want to work on my weekend, but I feel I have to. The thought lingers in the back of my mind. I am technically making more money than I did in my full-time position, but cash flow is quite different now with things like Net 30 payment and I also have to pay an arm and a leg for health insurance. I'm not someone who grew up with money, and I didn't start with a cushion, so having the savings that I've built myself is something I'm proud of. Having to dip into it, though I knew that would be the case during this transition, is terrifying and defeating.
Then that seed of self-doubt kicks off a whole slew of thoughts. I quit being a full-time retoucher to make time and space for my photography, and yet here I am busting my ass everyday retouching. What if I continue to just get stuck and my photography career never becomes what I want it to be? I see other people's careers and want what they have. After work this evening I had my photo taken by a fellow photographer and friend. He is fully supporting himself on his photography and isn't slinging side hustles or other skills to make ends meet. He is extremely talented and he deserves what he has, but I can't help but think, "I want that."
So, before I continue to spew more of these thoughts running through my head and making the tears well up, I ask you: What do you do when this happens? How to you talk yourself down or turn the doubt into something positive?
This is my cat, and also a good representation of how I feel.
Thank you for listening to my rant. I promise to post something less daunting in the near future.
-Vanessa
Your anxieties are perfectly natural, friendo. :3 As with every promising member of the art community, you hold yourself to such a high standard, you may sometimes be your worst friend. It takes a real twit to say "don't worry, it'll be okay" buuuuut don't worry. It will be okay. I just know it.
A wise dick I call a friend once told me one has to be willing to do without or to exhaust resources in order to create. This is all in the name of making better things. In your case, photographs and relatable articles.
Self doubt is a trait of all heros, but don't over indulge. You're awesome. And deserve a deep breath and a cup of tea.
Thank you for that. I like what you said about holding myself to a high standard. That is definitely something I've done ever since I can remember, so I should keep that in mind when I get my self going. I appreciate the support <3