I'm not sure if it's your fault or that I just never could make up my mind about you.
I used to love you, or be addicted to you, I could never tell the deference.
I used to be familiar with your abusive ways and learnt to forget every time you came back calling my name.
I learnt to love the way it felt when you touched me knowing you were going to leave the next morning,
it felt as if I was getting something I never had, or the only thing I ever wanted.
You knew exactly how to play with me and I went along, not being able to resist you or my obsessive nature,
but then thankfully for me came the day that you crossed the line and I just couldn't go on being your plaything
and so I quit.
After a while it was as if I never knew you, you were never there.
I pretended not to see you whenever you passed by.
I pretended that you never truly touched my life or that I never really cared about you.
I pretended that you didn't changed who I was or who i was going to become.
But the truth was that I was just trembling upon hearing your voice even in my thoughts.
I knew that after you there was nothing left inside for me to be, you had stole every last part of me.
For a while I was just numb and empty.
And then came he...
He was everything at a time I was nothing.
He brought back things that you took.
He brought back me
and I loved him for that.
He made me truly forget and even forgive.
I had everything I wanted.
I loved as I never did before
and for the first time in my life I was being loved, deeply selflessly loved.
I knew I didn't deserve him or at least so I thought,
I might had forgotten about you and the pain you caused
but your impact on me was too strong to just fade away
I was still feeling as if I wasn't worthy of being loved,
as if I didn't deserve it, or that it was too much for me to bare.
I was so in love with the idea of his love that I was willingly blinded to what was to come.
And then one day it ended as all good things do.
I wept and sobbed until there was nothing left to mourn but my once again hollow self,
drought out of any emotion or will for life.
So I tried to forget once more and through myself into more meaningful things.
Friends, books, education and a smattering of others.
And there, in the blink of my despair, you..
At the beginning you were just a reminder of painful memories long forgotten,
but then you wouldn't go away, you kept coming back, cracking your way into my already untamed mind.
I knew I would never in my right mind go along to another self destroying ride with you,
I knew I wouldn't do that, but the thought wouldn't live my mind because I didn't know if I wanted to.
I wasn't the same as before and you seemed to have changed and have regretted for what you had done to me,
but still how could I ever trust you?
I ignored all my doubts and better judgement and just fell for the moment,
allowing you to open the door to our haunting past and get hold of me once more.
I willingly tied myself up so you could tear up my mind again.
The thing that scares me the most though is that I now know that I want you to.
I know that I want you back even if that means loosing myself in the process.
Have I lost my mind or is it our fate to be haunted by each other till we die?
