Untitled — Hive

nobody taught me
how to forgive
how to stop spending my last pennies on
cigarettes
perfume
or vintage designer home wear
i still keep a tooth for an eye inside my closet
where i also tuck my deepest fears
along with my long gone years
and most of the tears
i bought my apparent silence
insensibility
and courage with
my therapist told me i'm lacking the software
for letting my self be loved
he thinks the other way around
he sees the best in me
because
to be perfectly sincere
i've given all the worst in me to me
i still confuse affection for aggression
as my mother taught me
i still chase missing father figures
in absent minded boys who think they've become men
i still unravel too much in front of strangers
because strangers are out of reach
i still blame myself, my past
my family and
my longing for belonging
the way he
whom i loved in all atonement
blamed
and after all these years
i still don't know how to forgive
move on
let love in
send birthday cards
and holiday greetings
even if i like
to say i move
to keep things whole
i move to make the sadness lesser
and the opposites attract
living in a city by the sea
i heard this always helps.