Hi all!
Though I doubt anyone else than the few people who comment is actually reading what I put on here, I'm gonna do it anyway.
Yesterday, I posted a poem I wrote when I was almost 16 years old called COLORLESS. Have a look at it, if you already haven't, and then keep reading this one.
I'll wait.
Source So, while I was translating this older poem of mine, I decided to read it as if it wasn't one of my own creations.
This means that I tried to approach it in an objective, critical way, as a piece of text, less so as a poem carrying a message.
Here are the questions that I just had to ask myself while reading the bare-bones translation of my poem:
Why do you start with such a factual statement that you know this person? Hence, why the poem? Why not just keep it short instead of this litany of whatevers?
What strange imagery – nuns studying the bible – and knowing someone. Know someone carnally maybe? Spiritually maybe? Know how to read this person? Manipulate or interpret? I’m gonna need something more concise here. Also, the praying – gee whiz.
Why say that you have no ill will against this person? Why immediately in the defensive? Or maybe I’m misinterpreting something. It just reads like my hands are up to show that I carry no armaments, or that I, sort of, give up.
Though ‘breaking … in bitterness’ has a nice ring to it (probably because of the alliteration), that ‘nothing’ in the middle seems quite bothersome and unconcise. Why is this important?
‘Make’ is such a weak verb here. ‘Create’ maybe? Same as No.4 above, that ‘everything’ is quite bothersome and unconcise. Why is it important? Where are you taking me with it?
I still try to follow a rule from my literature professors at uni, especially the ones who taught poetry and creative writing: remove all adverbs unless they are absolutely warranted, usually by some kind of function that is colloquial. Thus it follows that ‘almost’ must go, as it doesn’t seem to do anything else but somewhat weakly qualify ‘lifeless’.
‘The old harvester in the picture’ is very likely a person, not a machine. Where did this picture pop up from? Why wasn’t it introduced or referred to, or alluded to prior to its sudden appearance? Same with the harvester him-/herself. Where are you taking me?
Stanza 3 – who the fuck takes stock of their thoughts? What on earth was I even thinking when I slapped together this phrase? What for?
I can see how ‘making rocky deserts out of love’ seems like a nice imagery, and it is, but it’s unpolished and a mere sketch.
Why does freedom equal color in the last two lines of the third stanza? How do they equate? Why wasn’t this alluded to if it was so in this poem?
The whole ‘bottom of page, burnt candle’ imagery is not bad per se. What really ruins the stanza, in my humbly honest opinion, is the whole I’d add fiasco – twice!!! Ugh! Of course you’d add something, I mean, that’s the whole point of speaking, adding info upon info, with appropriate reactions and questions and answers etc.
GENERAL NOTE: If you’re gonna be adding something, I don’t want it narrated, this ain’t prose.
The whole paradox of being ‘colorless’ and yet seen (known) ‘in many colors’ may have been a cool thing to say or write at almost 16. It doesn’t age well. Why should I care? Make me care about this!
The ending I surprisingly find not to suck. Not that much, at least.
So, this is something to consider while writing / reworking your own poems: how to improve on them?
Many people (myself included) are quick to critique a piece of text that doesn't suit their worldview or concepts/ideas. This is yet another reason why I believe that the reader brings him-/herself into the poem, not the other way around.
Do you think these remarks were on point or too far off?
Let me know, and have an awesome day!
Ho there (ho is not a poorly spelled "hi"). I am a new Steemit user, soon to make my first post, I hope. After trawling through the poetry section here for 20 minutes, this was the first thing I saw that grabbed me at all. It is quite an interesting concept, revisiting, translating, and possibly improving on, one's older works. I tend to leave what is in the past in the past, preferring to take the experiences forward to create something new and better. It is courageous to post something you did at so early an age. Considering that English is not your first language, I think the translation came out very well.
I have a couple of burning questions though. Was this originally written in metre in Macedonian? You mentioned your university days, and I wondered if you were ever taught to write in meter. Naturally, every student learns about metre when studying the classics, but so few seem tempted to write in it that I have to ask whether it was ever taught or encouraged by such universities. If it was not written in meter, what do you think of a modern poet writing in meter, and would you consider it yourself?
Hi there @king-wenceslaus! Welcome, and thanks for the compliments!
I too want to leave the past works in the past, but since I don't want to start off with my newest stuff, this seemed like a good place to start.
English is not my first language, but I have studied and spoken in for the past 22 years, so it should count for something , I guess ( a B.A. in English language and literature helps :) )
Now, to answer your questions:
so, @king-wenceslaus, bring it on! I'd love to read some of your metered poems!
Have an awesome day!
Thanks for the comprehensive reply! I definitely plan to post some metred poetry. I also hesitate to start off with my newest bits and pieces, partly because I hope to publish them someday. That leads me to another question. If I post something here, I suppose that I do keep my intellectual property rights to it, but at the same time, I have made it available in the public sphere, and anyone could plagiarise it and claim it as their own. Is it safe to post things that you want to publish one day on Steemit? I don't expect you to know the answer, but it would be most convenient if you did.
In my English lit BA I was also given no instruction on writing metred poetry, but most of my studies of poetry were done long before that on my own time, my parents having been very keen on the classics, so metred poetry has always seemed natural to me. Maybe I am a bit of a traditionalist elitist, but it appears superior to me, and I don't think it is quite as difficult as a lot of people think. Have a good night!
I look forward to reading what you post, be it new or older.
As regarding your concerns, I haven't got anything to go on. Which is yet another reason why I chose not to post my latest.
I'm less keen on classics and Romantic poetry, and much prefer modernist and post-modernist texts.
Have a good one, @king-wenceslaus!
Now 'this' is the way to rip into a poem! :c)
In this way one can allowed the original poem its space in the spotlight, a sanctum of safe, warm and fuzzy thoughts settling as the wind howls outside.
You make various valid points - in particular about objects that are not sufficiently explained of provided context enough to elicit understanding.
I appreciate your analysis here - but my main kudos goes toward the way in which you partitioned it off nicely. ^_^
Well done.
Thank you, @pathforger, for your comment!
I must say, you paint a pretty (albeit spooky) picture in your comment here :D :D :D
I do believe that the reader brings in a lot of him-/herself into a poem, which is why a poem that sucks for me may be the most beautiful one for you, or vice versa.
However, since this is a text that has been distanced from me (its author) by the mere passage of time, I do find it necessary to rip into it, deconstruct it, and rework it as a result.
Thanks again for reading, and have an awesome day!