I wasn't going to post anything today, as it seems that the last couple of days have been a bit overwhelming with emotions for whatever reason.
That said, the pervading sense of loneliness I've been feeling lately seems to have seeped into my every action, even though I'm usually good at keeping it at bay, appeased, so to speak.
I guess I just can't be that strong all the time. It's probably a rough patch, a rut - if you will, that I just have to plow through. I'm sure that sharing this with another person would help, and it does, when I talk to friends or my partner. Though, at the moment, talking with my partner may not help as much as he too has these feelings , so I have to be the strong one most of the time.
Which is why I went back into my teenaged poetic archive and dug out something I also translated into English.
It was written back in 2000 , a couple of weeks before my birthday, which is usually a time when I contemplate how far I've come in the previous year, and what I should improve upon my self. Being the forever lonely high school student back then, it was more than normal to be surrounded by people in my classes and feel lonelier than ever. Having very few interests that I shared with the majority of my classmates, I rarely related to others in terms of what I like (sci-fi, poetry, creative writing, cooking, etc.)
I'm still like this: being an EFL teacher, I'm literally surrounded by people (students, other teachers, admins, the lot) and yet I can feel as lonely or even as isolated as anyone living in the middle of nowhere. The fact that I started working in a different language school at the beginning of this year, where I don't know many people, likely has a lot to do with the strength of this feeling.
So, it seems I'm battling some sort of depression, which, if you look at it diachronically, has always been there, lurking.
Source Here's the poem, tell me what you think:
ANYONE
There was this one time
when I wished for anyone
to come sit beside me
and let our eyes roam the distance
take stock of the ocean’s salinity
revel in its waves and
cover each other in its colors,
all of this
while classifying clouds in the sky
and admiring their height and stature
No one approached.
That very time
I felt like I was sitting
under the tree of life
very much unable to get up
or to swim in colors
or roam the salinity of tears
or classify the distance
none of this
while keeping time at bay
as it threatened to pillage and thunder.
Nothing came of it.
Maybe you’ve seen me
cross-legged under a tree
under my own scrutiny
waiting to see
what will be.
14 MAY 2000
I hope you liked the poem, if not the lengthy lead-in.
Have a great weekend, y'all ! ! !
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very deep words. I hope your struggles are easier now = D
Thanks.
As for the struggles, we'll take it day by day.
The lead-ins help to add context to both the poem and the poet.
I personally enjoy them and I am sure that I am not alone. :c)
Depression in any of its many forms can be very tough to face. I know that you feel that you need to be the strong one but its alright to occasionally yield and give your partner opportunities to take on that role.
The poem itself is very fitting to the mood conveyed by its framing post.
Thanks for understanding.
I am aware that feeling depressed from time to time is by no means the same as being diagnosed with depression, and I try to make a distinction between the two. As for being strong, I guess I'm just like that until I cannot be anymore/for a while.
I'm glad that both the lead-in and, more importantly, the poem itself are able to convey what I'm/I've been going through.