Reflections

Yeah, is everything okay, does it feel fine, I don’t know? Guess I could twist speck of doubt and hope beyond any rational means, slipping tirelessly back and forth through any day I cop and dream, I breathe, I will wait. Yea determined in reaction, walking in fractions milliseconds long, it all adds up determining some strange uncertain fate. With this fear while it’s still unclear I take opportunities, support my community, shouting phrases in favor of the Devil’s advocate, fucking mind games in elusory, I’ll shake through the action, I lose traction, I rather live life grooving high and low amongst this brave emotionally unstable beat. I rather blow my brain out in pain than live life numb and bleak. Not that it makes any sense, guess my brain could bite bleeding so warped and bent, yea sometimes when I need to vent I guess its best to get out and run, run long and drift gently close to the sun, burn the fuck out. Why would we still try, Yeah from time to time I stressfully pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. Fuck; Am I hopelessly unaware, am I too fucking dumb. Yea it’s absurd to some, ending it all because you feel too much. Isn’t that a reason why we live, as if it is this pain that makes it possible to feel love, feel love, feel love then struggle, then feel it again, then Stop? Sit down sit down. Are you ok? I guess so? Are you a good person? Am I the only one questioning this?

Yea I’m human but I still question the percentage of my benevolence. Hopefully 85% good: 15% not so good. Stop. Stand still and sit down! Are you confused? I think I am? The question whether or not you have been abused or whether you are the abuser, sometimes yea maybe we have been both. Feel guilty, feel it long and feel it strong, guess sometimes we all will do wrong. Sometimes we don’t mean to, only projecting and reflecting those imperfections you really don’t like to see. Yeah, all night all night, why is she still in my dreams? Yeah, your Anger flares and you stare right into yourself, and then ah; here we go again, you start to question yourself, guess it’s uncomfortable, important maybe though so viciously ineffable. For some hours a day in this attention will play with all this time still quartered and afraid, we all eventually will sit in moral reflection! Yea we all know it as that uncomfortable necessity, help us reconsider out dysfunction, negative injunction lucratively pulling apart any delusions in function, yet time keeps walking on by and occasionally we sit there and we cry confused even when we have done nothing wrong. Take care of yourself, don’t you know how to take care of yourself. She remarks: “don’t you trust me, don’t judge me,” “I would never lie to you.” Go ahead; let that lost simulated apathy enflame, let dichotomy settle itself in for a patterned habit so mundane, resume and remain cold as you freely criticize. Keep on prodding me; watch as my self-doubt begins to catalyse. She telling me, “You’re just not that interesting anymore;” ouch; yeah that one hurt. My inner dialogue is starting to speak so callously absurd – you’re not good enough, you will never be good enough. She’s telling you to go find someone else. Her actions are telling me “yeah your worth ignoring’, she insists - I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. I speak - "listen; I still care for you” she speaks “yea you should stop caring”.

What?

“Good evening; this is your limbic system speaking, I have just received a message from the amygdala who is currently evaluating your reaction to both positive and negative memory storage. I regret to announce you can no longer ignore or extend time to deal with these memories, so we will now hijack your cognition, cortisol, and adrenalin levels are now rising, you may experience a mental break and find yourself in a depressive episode, it is recommended you seek some comfort through this experience. If you still resist you may experience anger, numb dissociation with additional psychotic symptoms.”

Who really want to feel this way, yeah I don’t want to feel this pointless fucking pain that remains deeply embedded in this fickle mind and brittle heart, right now my exterior measuring paper thin is so sensitive any word any sound any touch will begin to break me apart. I could seek refuge in extrinsic pleasure, a kind that can only measure for an hour or so; A drug perhaps. If I decided to do so I would imagine my personified limbic system would speak again.

“Good evening this is your limbic system speaking, it seems we are now experiencing an adjustment in various synaptic functions. Something external seems to be altering neuronal responses to initial nerve impulses. For some reason we are now experiencing an accumulation of dopamine, which seems to be activating quite a rapid firing of dopaminergic neurons; this now seems to have triggered some rather unusual responses. This with consideration to your current experience, we have now decided to once again extend the time to deal with these suppressed memories. We hope you enjoy your current state of euphoria.“

And in that moment As I flown far out over the cuckoo’s nest, I would imagine my smile to be somewhat hazy like Jack Nicholson coat hanger grin. If anyone asks, if something is wrong, I could respond with; "Not a thing, doc. I’m a goddamn marvel of modern science.” Yea, I’ll try to disregard that temptation to numb myself, it’s too easy, letting that trigger slip and quell falling disingenuously dependent, twisting bias and tempered while running wild on that misfit method, dancing unsteadily oblivious to the unsuspected callous danger; it’s in our nature, and while we cough and sneeze through that dissonant anger, remember. What would you rather; A pursuit in blind numbing pleasure, yea it’s a quite fine leisure, but is it better than those unmeasurable highs and lows, those ebbs and flows, that spark triggering that clever imagination, that unconditional Fascination for the best and the worst. Pain, a game so Intolerable it may seem; horrible, but those scars will remind you how close someone’s been. So please, please do not regret the days you smiled together, remember, don’t forget the best you could see through those rose tinted glasses, regardless of that filter the feeling was real. Yeah, time may remain uncertain, shuffling this life, determining bright and dark days coming soon, some will adapt yet some with fall through. Some of us lend a hand and some might bring you down and we are no exception, just keep your awareness. The best will return it all comes around. So step back, hold out your hands and give back to yourself. It all will work out, yet; it’s not going to feel the same, it all takes some time you’ll bounce back again, for now just keep on the move and let your thoughts wander, and after a while, your heart might skip and thump like thunder. This time around it might extend for years on end, though if it withdraws you’ll fall past the floor; that feeling will come again. You will feel tender. Yet your dimpled smile will tell memory’s forever, embrace the pain, the guilt, the comfort in confusion fought through abuse and illusion, those cuddling clauses and those comfortable pauses, those lessons learnt those days we will love and those days we will hurt, but it is all worth that fleeting feeling, that sentiment begotten through a playful fall. Or would you rather; feel nothing at all.