Chandelier - 1000 forms of fear

Your heartbeat seems to change every single time you inhale the selfish energy of people enjoying something you’ve never agreed to happening, unimpressed with the faces of a million eyes as you move from room to room and greet every single one of the undisciplined necks which they stick out as soon as you turn around.

When I want to go out, I spend about three hours deciding in my head whether it’s worth the trouble and mess I leave in my head afterwards. The clouds of intense negativity and not only judgement but a pure sense of disagreement to anything and or everything I represent or stand for.

Most people I know think I’m the ultimate social butterfly, always making new friends as quick as some people change underwear but to be honest it’s just survival mechanism.
I seem to black out as soon as I see people I didn’t start a conversation with before the moment my brain tunes in I have made friends with one person out of every group so I don’t feel crowded by pressure when people laugh or form a small from which I can read “Awkward”.

Really, I would rather be at home by myself, because every time I give in I end up in a shower of perfectionism in which I can’t possibly agree to being in because my flaws restrict me from participating.
I spend more time talking to myself and singing to form a cuccoon of please do not approach, I am if I may be honest someone who is extremely afraid of social interaction. I don’t think nor do I feel okay when I’m outside of a three feet radius from my house. So I pretend, I pretend until the days of slowly passing trains filled with the hunger for “now” finally disappear and make room for “later”.
There are times where I’ve been really dissappointed at myself and who I was. Insecurity and fear makes you do idiotic and hardly rational things.

That incredibly thin line between good and bad starts to fade making it impossible to realize if a joke is a joke or an attack or the difference between genuine and fake.
This unnatural border of thoughts follows in which everything turns to a white map of peace and serenity and everything I come up with of doing or saying, create these little black dots of disaster, destroying this beautiful plain field and turning it into pure chaos.

I’m guessing it’s why I’m more and more afraid of saying what I think these days. I’m guessing life takes turns not allowing me to breathe nowadays, the crowd, ever as existant isn’t allowing me to feel safe nor think safe. I’m afraid of becoming just as how I see them.

I’m trying, truly trying to be this person everyone sees in me. Because I know that if I don’t clean my act up or talk nicer, I might lose what I’ve gained. I know that someday, somewhere I was this person everyone keeps their hope in. It’s just getting harder to find that person nowadays.

A variety of things have changed me, developed me. Like my mind, my behavior is messy, dirty and lazy. Although I respect energy of others, I refuse to accept their positivity. Giving me nothing but critism and negativity in the process, causing me to activate defensemechanism, bringing me back to where, why and who I am.

I like people, I truly do. I just have some difficulties dealing with them and the fears I have regarding them. But maybe that’s just something I have to work on.