Oh my, this is heart-wrenching! I could feel the sorrow as I read it and then when I listened it was very palpable as your voice quivered. Very much a potent piece.
As for the structure, I think perhaps breaking it up a bit more into shorter stanzas would be nice; Or, I think this piece would benefit from punctuation to strengthen the intensity of the overall tone…. Perhaps even structured into a poetry prose piece. Just some ideas to consider. :)
Thank you for your comments. I will take each of your ideas and consider them. I will look at putting some punctuation in. Thank you again for the helpful ideas.