I often wonder at the duality of the nature of depression. It's seems so hypocritical at it's core.
It all appears simple, that one can be driven to such lows by life and love and pain and chaos.
And yet very quickly it gains a life of itself. Almost like some sickly parasite. It make a person go to such lengths to preserve it, they will engage in behavior and thought patterns that simply feed it, know it causes nothing but pain and offers no release, but it happens anyway.
It reminds me of a odd species of parasitic wasp. The wasp will lay its eggs, upto 80 inside a living caterpillar, the larvae feed on the living caterpillar. Then these larvae emerge from the skin, gather together and leave and spin cocoons attached to plants.
The kicker is, the still living, yet mortally wounded caterpillar will then devoutly and without cease defend the very cocoons that emerge from their skin, thrashing and attacking any intruders, like a mother for her own children.
Second Hand Suicide
It was a second hand note,
With second hand words,
And second hand reasons.
A used melancholy dressed in a hand me down sorrow,
Father's eternal truths drying on the walls of empty corridors in mothers scrawl,
A day appears and path forks,
A momentary chance of escape,
Momentum shifts the gears to catch me,
I slow down to let it,
But I still scream as I am driven away.
I cannot remember getting on the road,
Only waking up one day driving down past the last houses of the living,
Midnight,
So nobody can see,
Yet I turn the headlights on in hopes they will.
I don't want to die
But I have no desire to live,
Writing notes meant for nobody,
Giving love meant for me,
Using reasons cast by others as if they were my own.
Lift me please,
Carry me to bed,
Wrap me tightly,
Tell me a story,
Tell me why I'm on this road,
So dark and full of regret,
Tell me I can leave this time for the better path,
I want to run towards.
A life burns much like paper,
Be quick or I will too.
Don't worry though,
I won't start till you're ready.
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