This is also a bit older and I am glad and grateful that my views on this subject are changing for the better :) I've been in a dark place about two years ago and it took me some time to find the light again - but overall this helped me heal on a very deep level and look at life from a completely new perspective...
So here is some poetry on the thoughts I had
How to be free
How to be free?
I want to be free!
What does it mean to be free?
To do whatever I want, not caring about the consequences? Not caring if someone gets hurt?
I can’t do that. Can I?
Do I want to be free then?
There are no rules to follow, right? Only the ones in my mind.
And if I choose to be hurt by others – do they choose to be hurt by me?
It is all too much. It’s like a maze inside a maze inside a maze inside my head.
You tell me I am loved.
Tell me I’ve got wings to just fly away.
But don’t you see these massive chains my brain invented to prevent it?
Don’t you know that fear has torn my heart to shreds and twisted everything inside of me to believe in its power? To walk that path over and over… until I finally die?
Then why?
Is it impossible to get out? Impossible is just a word they say.
I once chose to believe it anyway. And it breaks my heart again and again. Running, trusting once more to fly into that solid wall. The one I made?
Is it my fate?
Is it inevitably the bad ending I’m running towards? Just sometimes I think not.
And hope is what hurts the most. Hopes that are once again crushed. And yet again I could turn and die already. Close my heart – not to wait, this time for good. To behave. Alone.
Yet this silly heart of mine. It is still waiting, still not hating; not enough. Still caring and sharing and all the things that are killing me. Every. Fucking. Day.
It’s not enough, you say?
It’ll never be enough, I fear. And all the things I once held dear… they leave me, as they must. Still not dying, this far I trust. Still breathing. Still wanting to believe.
But how to achieve? If I don’t know how it works, because everything I feel just hurts. You say nobody is really void inside. Then what is there I have to hide?
Love.
Another word I don’t quite get. It’s not secure, won’t get you fed. Won’t do as you please, won’t get you at ease – most certainly not bring you peace. And this shall be the answer to all? To despair, to hate; shall prevent from the fall? Nonsense, a voice whispers instantly.
And there is the reason I’ll never be free...
Thank you for reading and have a great day :)
(I just made this on canva and I am so proud of myself, because I'm not very good with "computer-stuff" XD I think I'm going to use it as my signature...)
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STOPwow, thank you for sharing this deep feeling with us @viraythewitch
I think everyone has these feelings at one point in their lives. If not, then they are probably too afraid to look deep inside.
I am happy for you that you can also see the sunny parts in life again.
Love: it is such a big word and perhaps hard to understand. It is hard to find love at a point in time when there seems to be only darkness. But perhaps one can find love by seeing what it is not. Love cannot be fear or suffering, cannot be hate or greed... Perhaps that which all of these things it is not, that love is.
I can feel love in nature and sometimes people when there is not the corruption of thought.
thank you for your kind words @tobetada :)
it's not really a poem and pretty dark, so I didn't know if someone would like it, but it was part of my journey... I think if I didn't experience that time in my life I wouldn't have been able to understand some things on the deeper level that I do now.
Yes love can be a complicated thing, even if it seems very simple at times... I think it is most important to love yourself if you really want to give and recieve love to and from others :)
Have a great day!
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