SPU Poetry Contest #1: "SILENT INFLUENCE "

in #poetsunited7 years ago (edited)

image
Image source: Yessy art gallery (https://www.yessy.com/jackieludtke/womentiles.html)

Her Laughter; a deception, a lie
Like a plague she feasts on your ego
Her love and intimacy so hard to let go
Engraved on your heart, her emblems and logo
You became an ambassador, in love with her solo

You changed like a weather
Having plans to become a father
Her influence, drove you a little farther
But you still young, still with many bother

Seasons changed, now its Autumn's
Your heart breaks further to atoms
The bothers of your flesh you can't fathom
Molecules developed and hard felt solemn

Your will no longer matters
Died to yourself, a livings martyrs
She became the wheel, as you roll the tyres
So much strength in your heart, though your body tires

Its time to beat the storm or never
You couldn't go on like this forever
The template of your heart you have to make clearer
It either works or neither

The ordinance of your heart you said
In anger and amusement she stared
Your whole world like hurricane was stirred
Like been thrown down the stairs

Like a plague your love was eaten
Emotions again goes hidden
Lived with no joy like a heathen
You fell rather short for a good intention.

Inspired by PHOTOGRAPHY AND POETRY BY WARPEDPOETIC
https://steemit.com/poetry/@warpedpoetic/photography-and-poetry

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Lots of votes made possible due to the kindness of abh12345 and his Steemit Curation Leagues

Thank you that's appreciated

Nice stuff... good rhyme scheme. 😀

Bro.... This piece is awesome...

Thanks for participating

I have enjoyed your poem. There are some interesting imagery. The poem started off quite strong, "Like a plague she feasts on your ego". I do recommend, however, that if you are going to adopt a rhyme scheme, the rhyming would have to be more consistent. You may use sites like rhymezone or other apps. There were certain times where the rhyme felt it missed a beat, and others where the sentence or line were constructed simply to fit the rhyme. That is a shame, as i see that you have great potential and great imagery!

Smiles... Thank you for the eye opener
It's no lie I try to fit in some rhyme
That's why am on this platform to learn from the grandmaester.. Thanks for reading through.. I am glad

There are other poets that do rhyme (not me) - it would be col to consider changing some rhyme schemes. e.g. ABCB may be somewhat easier to do - if you totally want to use rhyme. It's a personal preference - but if rhyming is chosen, the words have to 'sound' the same, rather than 'look' the same.

Hmmmm.. Noted...