I have been putting off keeping a personal journal/log for quite some time now. How nice it would have been to take a vivid trip down memory lane to my baby days in Florida. A time when I couldn't help but fistpump and shake with excitement after winning a $500+ pot. A time when I was fearless enough to ask out the most attractive cocktail waitress and put half my roll on the 5/10 table.
However, also a time when I cared so much about what others thought of me that I was about to spend my entire roll on a $40k M3 just for the image/status. It would have been such a fascinating read, recalling all the little details I've long forgotten. Growing up I was always told that I needed to stop being so camera-shy so that I would have documentation and memories to look back on. I understand what they were getting at now.
Last week I turned 23 and I couldn't have been more depressed. While most people view their birthday as a joyous occasion that calls for celebration, it served as a disturbing wake-up call that I am nowhere near where I want to be in life. In the past 3 years living in Florida I have had decent success in poker, yet I have nothing to show for it because I have squandered my winnings making bad life decisions. Had I played my cards right by staying away from strippers, baccarat, and shady people who only want to fuck me over, I would have been very financially comfortable instead of playing catch up right now. The end goal is to be a self-employed homeowner in Hawaii, but every foolish decision I make only sets me back further and keeps me trapped here in Florida.
Aside from using this as a tool to keep me in check and not get sidetracked financially, I am also using it to document my progress as a person. I have always been a nice kid with a good heart, but I am very naive and have insecurity issues that result in me getting into bad situations where I get taken advantage of. I never put the blame on myself. I have a hard time saying "no." Although I say I don't care what the scum of the poker world thinks of me, my actions show otherwise.
I used to blame poker for my problems, but the truth is poker has provided me great financial opportunity that is impossible elsewhere. It is my own fault for not being street-smart. The real problem I am facing now is having zero life balance. My happiness is fully dependent on my poker results, which even when I am peaking is a fake happiness. I am actively trying to change that, but it is a gradual process.
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