The limits of polyamory

in #polyamory7 years ago (edited)

After seeing Claire and Frank Underwood’s polyamorous behavior in House of Cards, I became preoccupied with understanding open relationships and how they might work in the real world. I started to wonder, “How could someone knowingly accept and allow a partner’s romantic relationship with another person?” Such behavior was incomprehensible to me. Are polyamorists somehow more mature for overcoming their insecurities?

When considering an open relationship, the biggest obstacle for most people is jealousy. Witnessing our partner merely flirting with someone else can be an uncomfortable experience. Some people shrug it off as harmless and others become so angry they commit double homicide. The polyamorous community, however, manages jealousy at an entirely different level. Their insecurities are checked at the door in the interest of romantic variety. They will often rhetorically ask the monogamous, “Why can’t you each experience love with multiple people?”

Sure, I’ll admit it is possible to have a soft spot for more than one person. Minor crushes are probably more common than most would care to admit. Plus, humans are capable of having sex with strangers at the drop of a dime or tequila shot, hence the nightlife. But a committed relationship is quite different than these fleeting encounters. Monogamy is a vulnerable experience where a special intimacy is cultivated over time and our fidelity presumably prevents interference by romantic competitors. The reptilian part of our brain makes us territorial. Therefore we are hostile to the idea of an outsider getting in our partner’s head or pants, which leads some to claim that monogamy is actually rooted in fear and possessiveness. Infidelity and rising divorce rates are often cited as evidence that monogamy is unrealistic, even unnatural. Add the uncomfortable truth that we never stop being attracted to other people regardless of the strength of our relationship, and some will assert that monogamy is old hat, with polyamory actually being our evolutionary destiny.

Some polyamorist literature coaches you to be happy that your partner experienced a satisfying encounter with another person. What is the difference between your partner enjoying a home cooked meal prepared by someone, and your partner occasionally enjoying another person’s loving? There are testimonies detailing how opening up a previously monogamous relationship saved that very relationship. So are we wrong to decry polyamory as just an excuse to sleep around? Aside from pointing out the obvious STI risk that comes with open behaviors like “swinging,” some of you might find it difficult to answer these questions, especially when they are posed by a progressive polyamorist with reasonable criticisms of monogamy’s limitations.

Here is my view. I believe the love experienced in polyamorous arrangements is limited compared to a monogamous relationship. Only by having walls up can someone really enjoy the polyamorous lifestyle without jealousy and emotional struggle. Anyone can refute this by saying something like, “Well, nobody can truly assess another person’s subjective experience of love, for even science is limited in its ability to measure matters of the heart. Who are you to say that people in open relationships aren’t as intimately connected to one another as those in monogamous relationships?” Perhaps they are correct. Life and love is complicated, all humans are wired differently, and I have not conducted brain scans of monogamists and polyamorists to compare their post-coital oxytocin levels. But I do have an opinion and this is the internet. So I’ll explain.

When you let your guard down and fall in love, you and that person exchange the keys to each other’s endorphins. We experience some of life’s most powerful emotions when we are in love. Love leads us to start families and create timeless art. It has the ability to give you the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. However, a polyamorist will reason that monogamy might facilitate codependency. Codependency is an excessive, unhealthy reliance on a partner where one’s self-esteem and happiness depends on the other’s affection and approval. So perhaps it would be healthier if we engage in romance with multiple people. It would make our experience of love less of an “all-eggs-in-one-basket” ordeal, where a sexual infidelity wouldn’t be as devastating and we’d eventually become a more even-tempered species. If we depend on multiple friends and family members for emotional support, why must romantic engagements also be limited to one person?

I believe I have an answer. Polyamory does not guarantee, in the same way that monogamy does, that your partner will be there for you during a harrowing life event. Romantic relationships foster a level of intimacy that platonic friendships simply can’t match. This very intimacy is crucial during our most trying times (e.g. illness, death of a family member, etc.) It would be incredibly inconvenient if the person you love can’t be there for you because he or she is instead on a romantic weekend getaway with another lover. Therefore the exclusivity of monogamy works best. It ensures that, at least in theory, life’s hardships come with a loving co-pilot. The least jealous person in the world can’t disagree with that. Even Frank Underwood needed Claire to leave Adam at the end of the day. They could have saved a lot more time if they just stuck together in the first place.

Many people face troubles alone without a loving spouse to provide support. Single people triumph over hardship every day, sometimes even better than those with loving support systems. The brain of a bachelor might actually function more easily, without any distractions or withdrawals for a lover’s pheromones. Polyamory is only feasible if you keep yourself in check by maintaining the neural networking of a person who is single, which is also referred to as having walls up. But the richest gifts of love are more readily available to the monogamous.

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@steven-b , maximum respect my brother on properly communicating your very well written thoughts on the matter! 👍

Here's the thing: All of us, individually, are living in the MOST tumultuous time in recorded history, across MANY cultures, approaching infinite designations (what the heck does "z" mean (if you live in California)) and the ideal of the Nuclear Family --What I aspired to-- is disintegrating by the minute.
Not good, not bad, it just IS.

You should know I am approaching your subject from a different angle:
That of celibacy.
For over 2 years(!)

My perspective is to have no perspective, because we are all so uniquely different and individual in our own incredible way...

Your opinions work for you - AWESOME!

May you similarly celebrate another's choices (if those choices benefit the individual AND any concerned parties) rather than hold them up against the Rorschach that approximates your own, particular values - what works for you may not have similar efficacy and fulfillment for someone else.

By all means celebrate what ecstasy you've enjoyed from your choices, and communicate them that so that others, IF they recognize and live by your values, may appreciate the same benefit!

Holding those values as a golden standard disregards the incredible diversity our world population, in the current battle against the brain stem and neocortex, must contend with and attempt to rationalize.

The higher brain will rationalize...
Hopefully not at the expense of our biological core:
Balance MUST be achieved in contending with these two motivations: That of the soul AND the body; to disregard one in favor of the other denies us of who and WHAT we are.

That decision, whatever it is, must be made by that particular individual and, if we are to have any compassion, RESPECTED, and honoured.

@scan0017 🤝

Wow. I hope you haven't been sharing that post with any other social media sites. You're with Steemit now buddy.

Took me a half second. Hilarious! ;)

Would you suggest only keeping it on Steemit?

@steven-b fabulous, fabulous, fabulous and so insightful. One cannot always succumb to ones desires, there are repercussions and simply renaming the relationship as polyamorous to justify your actions, never works. You are still accountable for your actions. People have feelings and always get hurt. Your partner may not want to endure this situation and leave. This is why most people have clandestine affairs, so that there is less risk of them losing their partners. But then you still have to live with your conscience and she's a bitch.

Haha no Steven, I'm just kidding.. You can share your thoughts with whoever you want - As long as you're back with us at the end of the night.

I see what you did there...

I was also thinking maybe the font gave it away because I copied and pasted from my Facebook note hahahaha

So you don't even stick to one font? and you're copying and pasting all over the place..? Hahaha xD
But really, on a more serious note, I once knew a girl in Berlin who had a polyamorous mindset, but from the moment we slept together she became a jealous wreck, I couldn't even talk about past girlfriends..! But until that point she was carrying herself like she didn't believe in monogamy. I think polyamory may be fun to play around with but ultimately I think you're sinking your heart lower than your genitals and that's no way to go through life for any long stretch of time.

meep

Hahaha holy shit, I couldn't stop laughing for a few minutes then..! Hahaaaa.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA WELL PLAYED!

Hahaha Nice

so basically what you are saying is polyamory is for "cucks".

Polyamorie is that kind of art of living someone can practice only if he/she managed to find that one person to create a relationship with, which outlives everything, bevor he/she starts thinking about polyamorie.

Polyamorie offers variety, diversity, opens possibilities to develop yourself by dealing sentimentaly with different kinds of people and with yourself at the next level - a very mature like level.
BUT it works only if you have and maintain that one relationship with that one person who is your "HARBOUR" you can ALWAYS return to.
That person you have to tell everything and who is capable not to judge and understands why you need the diversity you take for yourself despite "common society rules".
You have to know you'll not losing that person - no matter what goes wrong.
Sentimentally you will always have "a single point of contact" even if you are not aware of anymore, at a certain point in time.

I do not think you can love two or more persons the same way. I do not think someone can have "the same kind of feelings" for everyone, he or she gets an affaire with. I assume polyamorie is about experiencing different things with different persons because NO ONE can cover all the needs of a human being.
So some of us will look for getting the maximum by experiencing things with different persons.

BUT there can be only one persone you will be bound to in that special way a monogamist will call "love". I repeat myself - even if you are not aware of this all the time.
Second...you have to be aware of, that each person needs individuality - so you have to offer it. Do not think, everyone is equal...

Hope you see my point.

Monogamy was invented when the lifespan of the people where 35 years

Today this never ending love becomes a 75 year nightmare
Or there are a series of marriages and divorces which lead to a lot of pain and economic disasters

I can't see that 3 marriages with two divorces is a better system i
Doesn't it produce more pain after all ?

"Don't cheat on my wife!" What a quote by Frank Underwood!

Good read I just had!! Self-esteem should be achieved before entering into a romantic relationship, monogamous or not!

I'm inclined to agree with you that monogamy is a deeper connection. However as someone who has been in a few polyamourous relationships I think it's important to note that there are still hard boundaries. When you are in that sort of arrangement there is a sort of contract to it, an agreement of sorts. All in all though, this was a great read, I look forward to seeing more from you. :)

Thank you so much! This is my first time using Steemit so I'm learning how all of this works as I type this reply.

Feel free to tell me more about your experience in polyamory, as I obviously won't be experiencing it any time soon.

Some really great thinking here on such a complicated subject. I think how old you are has to do with what you prefer as well. I think that as you get older the monogamous relationship becomes more attractive. And then when you throw kids into the mix, well, it seems like you can't really take the risk that someone might want to go off with another person for good (which can happen) because you've already made a commitment to your children. Frank and Claire didn't have any children.

That makes sense. I didn't even consider children when I wrote this. Honestly, I thought you were going to tell me that polyamory becomes more attractive for older people because they've gotten tired of having the same partner for so long!

ha! That's a good point. I guess in the end it's just different strokes for different folks. As long as we are all at least somewhat open minded with each other and allow each to do their own thing, I suppose it all works out. That freedom doesn't exist everywhere!

Good perspective on a complicated topic! I don't think you could ever recreate the love felt in a monogamous relationship with a polyamorous one, however. The bond in monogamy is just too strong!

I like it and great post.

interesting article :)

Love is relative as is taste and beauty. I don't disagree with anything u say here but really it just all comes down to what kind of a life someone wants to live and what kind of person he or she is.
Good topic though, that needs more contemplating for most.

Hey, I cant speak for everyone but I am a female swinger and I am married to my high school swettie. We started off looking for a 3 some, then another couple and when that didnt work we just fuck others and are very happy doing do. I am into BDSM, which is another story but I have a dom lover and vanilla lover in addition to my husband.

My husband has a couple vanilla partners as well. We like it and we are not a jealous. My hubby and i had a 1 time 3 some with my bff and I LOVED watching him bang her. Its wonderful.

Also, I want to point out that I I have no walls up.

Now, would I live in a poly household? Yes I would, I at least want two husbands I would mind if he had a 2nd wife.