French river

So here I go, to a New year's party. Yay, a party. Just what I need. I don't like dancing. Probably because I am no good at it. And saying that is just weird, since I used to dance semi-professionally and even emigrated for it. But then again, that was folk which is very different from the dancing done at parties. Anyway, the party is for poly's and they have more planned than mere dancing and alcohol. Right alcohol...I don't drink. But still; why not? A new experience, since this is my first poly-party. And maybe I'll meet some nice new people. Heck, maybe even a girlfriend. Not that I need one per say. But it would be so nice. I think I might be in danger of developing RSI if I continue to wank. Hmmm, that sounds weird and as if I only want a girlfriend for sex. I guess my sex-drive is above average. To be honest I would currently have a one night stand. This is rare for me. And since I'm passive as hell, not going to happen. And yes, sex is immeasurable nice, but the feeling in my heart when just lying besides someone I love, cuddle up and just 'be' is so much more powerful. To me anyways. That's why I don't like sex before having spent a night together in bed and know she's right. The feeling my heart has afterwards cannot be cheated, so to speak.

The building they picked is beautiful. Huge ceilings, every story is like two stories in modern buildings. This gives room to gorgeous chandeliers, really stunning. Upon entering I get a name tag and am told that the 'meeting game' starts within a minute. M'kay, let's try that! So a bunch of people in a room and the hostess tells us to walk randomly. After about half a minute she tells us to stop and shake the hand of the person closest to you and tell each other where you're from. To my luck the most gorgeous young-lady in the room is closest to me and thus we shake hands. Then again, I did deliberately walk with the same pace as her, but in front of her so it wouldn't be obvious. I look at her name tag. She has the name of a French river. I've never heard of anyone with that name, but I immediately like it. While shaking hands she says "Your hand is cold." to which I reply "Yes, that how they are supposed to be." Oh boy, proof right there that IQ is merely a number. If I had give it thought for even a millisecond I could have come up with something along the lines of "Yes, but my heart is warm." or "Maybe it's not me that's cold but you that's hot." In hindsight, granted...I suck at this. Really, truly, suck ass. Saying the right thing may not be within my capacity. Luckily she doesn't seem to be bothered and tells me where she lives. Again sweet, only half an hour away by public transport. Unfortunately that is it, as the hostess tells everyone to start walking again.

I don't like to follow her around simply because if we are a good match, we'll meet up later tonight. So at the next 'stop' we aren't close. This time we're to form groups of five or six and discuss statements handed out on little cards. Miss French river is in a different group, so I'm not that tense. It is so nice to hear other people's thoughts that match mine. In the general public I am weird and don't always fit in. But here feels so much more at home. A very good start I'd say. The game is over and I look at the activities. A short film, right, I live films. So for the next ten minutes I watch the documentary. This one is weird though. Not sure what to make of it. Not my cup of tea, so back to the real world. They are having a speed-date. I only did one and that was a disaster. But that was to find a co-parent to have children with. Each one was horribly the same: We got ten minutes which meant she asked me how old I was, what job I had and why I was suited. By the time I finished answering the follow-up questions, time was up. So I never knew anything about any of the women myself. The general feeling was a combination of meat inspection and job interview. Obviously not at all comparable to this one, so let's give it a go!

All men are to stand in a circle facing outwards. The women are on the outside and told to simply walk by and make eye contact. Holy crap! Why is that so difficult?!? Seriously; I am in trouble here. No clue how to do this except for 'let it happen'. But sheesh, it's hard! I never knew that making eye contact can be so...um...stressful I guess? Next up is shake hands. Right, that I can do. Miss French river is also among them and when we shake hands she says "Still cold." This makes me laugh. I like it a lot. But the hostess, a different one from the meeting game, is strict and we're not to talk. Then the women are encouraged to smell the men, still while walking past. It is funny to have them sniffing me. Good thing I showered before going. Then the men have to turn around and the women may touch above belt. A lot of hands are touching my back. Then they are touching my head. Even though I don't know who touches me at any given time, I am starting to like this. Next up is a quick shoulder massage. Seriously? Wow, I'm loving it now. At one time a woman picks up my ponytail and tucks it aside before reaching for my shoulders. I don't know for sure, but I think that's miss French river. Feels like it. And her giggle whilst doing so; awesome!

Now it's the men's turn to act. The hostess tells the women to stand still and men to walk and shake hands. Somehow this doesn't work as planned. There is major congestion and the 'line' isn't moving. So this is quickly altered to the proven to work system of 'let the women do the walking'. After the awkward staring and relaxed handshaking we are to massage hands. I've little or no experience with giving massages. Only once where I went to a Tantra massage thingy. That was incredible. But the host hinted too much about him and me massaging each other. I felt uncomfortable about that. And my one-off massage partner got a boyfriend right after that. So failing to find another place, it simply passed into history for me. But right now; massage a hand. How hard can it be? Well, hard enough for me to panic. Sure I'll um...fiddle with your palm and fingers. I notice I'm nervous about it and apologizing a lot. After a bit they must be running out of time, since apparently the speed-date is over. Everyone quickly disperses. I didn't massage miss French river's hands. She is still there, but talking to some guy. I'm definitely not butting in, so I'll just go see what else is happening. I must say, that was the weirdest thing, and I loved it! Actually, I feel that speed-date is not the right term. But failing to find a fitting description of what just happened; fine, let's call it speed-date so.

Only disco from here on, so I'm contemplating my options. Maybe attempt to dance? Aiaiaiai, probably disastrous. I am sitting in the film room where it's relatively quiet. Then miss French river walks in and sits down across the room. Oh my! I want to get up and sit next to her, so we can talk. But dare I? My heart rate is up. Just the thought talking to her makes me both happy and anxious. She gets up and comes sit only two seats from me. I see that as a clear sign of rapprochement, so I move one seat and we actually start talking. She tells me about how she became aware of her being poly, cheating on her ex. It is her first poly-party as well. We're happily chatting away, when she asks me if if I live by myself. "Yes and no." As she meant it; yes, I am single. But my son lives with me and I show her pictures on my phone. Just a few minutes later she tells me she wants a drink. So we walk back and I ask her what she wants. A dry white wine. Sure, I have no problem with her drinking alcohol. As long as she doesn't get drunk. I really hate that. When I get the drinks from the bartender she is talking to someone else. She sees me, takes her glass and says "Oh sorry, I'm talking with this guy." For a second I tam unsure how to proceed. She point her attention to him, so I back off.

I think I walked around half a dozen times. There are a lot of nice people here. A good few of them are dancing, but I generally don't like to dance and maybe I under the right circumstances I could be swayed...but not tonight. The mood is clearly good and this party is well organized. But in my head is my son. It dawns to me that maybe miss French river doesn't like children, or at least doesn't like it that I father one. This makes me sad. Because I really like her and would love to talk to her some more. But my children come first, no matter what. That is non-negotiable. I had a nice evening, but this night is not for me. I better go home. I decide to go to say goodbye to miss French river. She is sitting with another woman and two men, writing her phone number or e-mail address on a note for one of them. I patiently wait and when she notices me, she looks at me. Wow, I cannot help it, but her gaze makes me melt. I tell her that I'm going home and she immediately gets up. "Let me give you a hug." When we hug she wishes me strength. I'm taken by this and ask her why. "Oh no, you must be happy with your son. All the best." This confirms my suspicion. Why oh why do you not like children? Dang, what a let down...