Most good things take time. Finding someone using a dating site is no different. I'm not overly picky. But I can imagine that it is hard for someone to want to meet me, as there are non-conforming elements in me coupled with my "accept me as I am" attitude. I always thought that being polyamorous surely was the tricky one. For that reason I kept a relaxed stance without leaving it out. This meant telling her about it but assuring her that only if everyone agrees, any likings on my behalf would only be further explored with her permission.
The idea was that we would stay open about this subject and keep communicating. I know plenty of couples that have evolved over time from monogamous into non-monogamous. But unfortunately, my experience is that it made my girlfriends only more jealous. Even though I am so not the type of guy to cheat. One ex even had a secret on-line fling with someone, but denied it when I asked her about it. I left it at that and it isn't the reason we broke up, but the messages they exchanged were anything but innocent. Whilst I wasn't even to look at other girls. Very frustrating such a double standard.
Being poly is on my dating profile. So I probably (and happily) miss all the eyebrow raising and disapproves. So right now, from my point of view, the tricky part now seems to be the fact that I like to walk barefooted. After chatting some time quite a few back out because of this. Apparently the thought of being seen in public with someone who wears no shoes or socks is too scary. I'm not spending time educating why it is healthier or the fact that their favorite movie is Lord of the Rings and the man behind this (Peter Jackson, should be sort of an idol then right?) likes to do the same.
So I shave on my profile and chat a lot. This sure uses up most of my free time. Not that I mind that, but it does seem too much time after spending hours and hours only to return to square one. Well, at least I try. Not doing so will surely fail right? Same deal with the lottery. You save some money if you don't buy a ticket, but then you cannot win it. So here comes another 'ticket'. Her name reminds me of a Small but. Like in "I love chocolate, but I never eat more than a pound a day." She comments on me suggesting to taste my pancakes. In fact, they do taste so much better than all the other recipes. Everyone says so. But to be honest: I hate cooking. I'll happily clean the toilet instead.
We chat away and immediately it becomes a daily thing. Soon after we agree to call. We talk for an hour. She lives only half an hour away, has three part-time jobs, has a cat and her favorite game is Munchkin. Oh dear! That is both good and bad. Good that it isn't Monopoly or something; she knows that there is more out there. And bad because it is Munchkin. Well, it could be worse (Diplomacy springs to mind), but not much. But surely once I initiate her into 'nice' games, she'll adopt right? Not that I want to change her, but how can one not? It's like giving vision to a blind person.
All the times thereafter there is a different reason why we should stick to chatting. Miss Small but is too tired, cannot find her phone and such. I am not sure what to think of it, as we chat hours and hours every day and have a date scheduled. It is almost as if she dislikes phoning. But whatever it may be, we communicate well as it is and let's first meet and see how that feels. I'm very pragmatic and would agree to meet right away, but am also very comfortable chatting for a bit. We ask each other a lot of questions, without the feeling that it's meant to judge each other. We're getting to know each other and it looks promising.
After two weeks, just days before our date, she asks me if I'm kinky or vanilla. After consulting a search engine, I answer "vanilla". She replies that she is kinky. So I ask her what that means for her. After looking it up, I know I'm not into that, but kinky is very broad. Some things I think I would enjoy, but am not sure yet. Some I find problematic and are FTF for me, (way) outside my comfort zone. Others I wouldn't mind, but only because I consider myself GGG (good, giving and game). Turns out miss Small but wants dominant/submissive, some kind of role-play as far as I gather. But she also wants SM, which involves giving and receiving pain.
Whoa! Wait, what? Sure, that can be your thing. But for me, a pacifist, that is not an option. Then she informs me that she requires every new (sex) partner to allow SM on the agenda, so to speak. This sounds so absurd to me. I know she is chatting with several men. We are open about it. But to what purpose? It seems to me not to find a partner (or several), but to find men to explore SM with. I double-check her motivation and get the woeful result. So no date and bye bye miss Small but. Why is that not in her profile? I could consider a sex based relation but not this. To me, it is unthinkable to hurt someone, especially someone so close to me. And allowing someone to hurt me is crazy. This is no mere small but, this is an insurmountable but...