18 Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Reasons to Date that Guy (or Gal)

Or: Date That Guy Because [insert: HORRIBLE IDEA]

My “Great Idea” face. Not that different from my “Holding in a fart” face.
First off, let’s get something straight. Valentine’s Day is a sham. It’s a bullshit holiday established by the lumber industry in order to sell treacly PAPER cards to our most vulnerable citizens: elementary school children and people in new relationships.

The entire motive of this “holiday” is to “get them while they’re young!” Then, as we age and begin to feel the crushing weight of mortality, the perpetrators of the Great Valentine’s Scam terrify us with the idea that we’re gonna die alone in an overpriced, micro-studio (decorated in hair balls and doilies), unless we immediately find someone “special” and buy them disposable symbols of “love,” because our entire economy depends on it. At least for the month of February.

That’s right. You either end up a lonely dead person, or you help your country, asshole.

Tiny apartment: When you just can’t decide between “hanging out at home” and “found buried under rubble.”
Second: The following “listicle” is not a recapping of this author’s actual dating experience nor a reflection of my attitude toward love. It’s merely a montage of various dating adventures (my own but mostly not). I say this because I absolutely guarantee some humorless magoo with a Masters in Taking Things Literally is going to leave a stunningly oblivious comment about what a desperate dumbass I have been/once was/will forever be, to make so many glaringly stupid decisions over the course of my dating life.

While they wouldn’t be wrong per se, what this person (the humorless magoo) fails to realize is, although some of the following is lifted directly from my life, not all of it is. And sometime during the late-aughts I, like any self-respecting half-wit who’s been banging their head against the wall, realized that it’s just not as much fun as it never used to be (especially when sober). And in this particular scenario, banging your head against a wall is a metaphor for dating all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons.

If it sounds as though I’m frantically trying to distance myself from this listicle, it’s because, come on, wouldn’t you?!?

Don’t answer that.

18 Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Reasons to Date that Guy (or Gal).

Date that guy because well, I mean, he doesn’t look like a serial killer.
Date that guy because he … asked. TWICE.
Date that guy because he’s literally within arms reach.

Tag. You’re it.

Date that guy because of all the other numerous options (2), he’s the one with the mommy, daddy, step-brother, second cousin, anger and/or legal, issues.
Date that guy because he’s … you’re drunk!
Date that guy because he looks like Chris Hemsworth.

Wow. You’re REALLY drunk.

Date that guy because when you’re on the dance floor violently convulsing — in a sexy way (I call it “dancing,” but… potato, potato) — he* IS *Chris Hemsworth.

DAMMIT! Put the fucking Mai Tai down and go home!

Date that guy because you’re sick of going to parties, weddings, family holidays and the grocery store, all alone.
Keep dating that guy because you just met his family, they’re awful, and now you feel bad for him.

Plus, you’re getting low on sandwich bread and you really need to make a trip to the grocery store.

Start to break-up with that guy (at Applebee’s because nothing says “I’m no longer interested in being naked within 5 miles of you, ever again” like a bacon, garlic, onion, butter and cheese pasta platter with a side of fries) but then stop yourself because he slumped in his seat and asked, “You’re gonna break up with me, aren’t you?”

There’s no way you can just heartlessly toss this guy into the relationship dump pile with all the other losers you never should’ve dated. It’s almost Valentine’s Day and you’re neither ready to face the consequences of being the bearer of bad news, nor are you willing to be alone on another Friday night doing laundry while talking to yourself.

Lucky for him, you’re a raging people-pleaser willing to sacrifice your own happiness just to avoid an awkward moment… and laundry.

Also: if you end it now, there’s a very good chance he’ll take all the fries with him.

Note: Clearly the above scenario is a work of fiction. I don’t eat bacon.

(But I do eat garlic, onion, and French fries. And Tic Tacs… lots and LOTS of Tic Tacs).

Date that guy because you finally broke up with that other guy and nothing solves a problem like immediately jumping into another shitty relationship with someone you hardly know for reasons you refuse to acknowledge.
Date that guy because he could be the one this time! No, really. At least with a few minor tweaks …

“Gentlemen [and women], I can rebuild him. I have the technology.”

Date that guy because what if the Mayan calendar is right?

*Please see: *December 2011.

Date that guy because let’s face it, “Chris Hemsworth” was a huge disappointment.
Date that guy because you haven’t been on a date in… what year is it?
Date that guy because honestly, who gives a shit anymore?
Date that guy because… Sigh… you really need to leave the house once in awhile.

Get some fresh air.

Feel the sun light on your face.

Make some eye contact.

HUMAN eye contact!

Date that guy because…Okay, look. I’m worried. People are starting to talk. They think you’ve either gone full-Howard-fucking-Hughes or you raptured yourself. And frankly, the fact that you burst into tears every time you hear The Golden Girls theme song is all sorts of cuckoo’s nest and Cocoa Puffs.
Seriously! What are you wearing? Is that a tablecloth?! Did you cut arm holes into a tablecloth?!!

Yes.
If you go on a date now, I’m genuinely afraid you’ll show-up wrapped in a tarp because all your clothes (and table cloths) are covered in cat hair and… I reallyhope that’s vegetable noodle soup. A thousand dollars says your date won’t even make it to the table before you start singing, “Thank you for being a friend,” and sobbing.

You’re gonna die alone!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that*

*As matter of fact, it’s probably better you keep all that weird shit to yourself.

Addendum for People Who Need this Post to Have a Happy Ending

7 Terrific, Not-So-Bad, Very Good, Reasons to Be Single:

You can focus the energy you would normally spend on dating, on literally anything else. For instance, your career or an exciting hobby.

Fine, sure. Golden Girls trivia. Whatever.

You can watch other people cling to bad relationships while you sit back and feel superior for not being caught up in all the desperation and drama.
You can take stock of your dating mistakes and learn from them.
You can experience all the perks of being single. Like always being right and never being challenged over your objectively terrific taste in movies, food, and furniture.
You can embrace the fact that micro-studios are exceptionally energy efficient. Then brag to all your friends who have to provide heating and electricity for two people. Idiots.
You can stop caring that you smell weird because there’s no one around to notice.
Speaking of smelling weird: you can save money on laundry and soap and clothes, because tablecloths (and bedspreads) are actually quite comfortable for wallowing in your toilet-kitchen-bed-closet-apartment.

I’m sure there are more, I just can’t think of any right now.

Besides, I have laundry to do.

FYI: Tarps are NOT comfortable lounge wear.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

More things? Okay, here ya go:

How to Write a Transformational, Life-Changing, Self-Optimizing Post in 18.5
And be rich and happy forever (and ever)medium.com https://medium.com/@ThunderPuff/how-to-write-a-transformational-life-changing-self-optimizing-post-in-18-5-7fb97945bc9b