Have you ever felt like you were feeling really confident about your skills and you're able to freely and confidently talk about certain nuances in the thing that you're feeling confident about, only to feel like you've suddenly smacked into this wall that drains you of that confidence?
That's how I feel every time I was presented with an opportunity. Not the illuminating rays of sunshine and hope that entrepreneurs et al. receive when something great comes their way, a smack of imposter syndrome is what I get.
Before I get started on what I went through, let's explain what imposter syndrome is. It's a type of fear you feel when your internal fears suddenly take over. You're hit with these pangs of self-doubt, uncertainty and a fear of being exposed as a fraud.
I hate it, but I also hate the thought of being less than what my mind makes me feel like I am... even though it's the very thing I'm fighting against. I first got this when I went for an impromptu job interview for the role of junior developer at a newly established company. I talked the talk and managed to get a gig there, that felt like no biggy because I wasn't working on anything.
Then came the project. They walked me through it, explained what they're expecting in terms of the application they wanted, had a big group call to introduce everyone and off we went. What the fuck. I can't do this. I've been a bartender for 10 years and I can run circles around talking to anyone and making spontaneous cocktails that taste according to what a customer is looking for, but to develop an application? Fuck this.
I didn't do anything for a few days. I was really down on myself. 'What makes you think you're worth it?', 'Why would you charge such a high payment, do you think you're some big shot?'.
I really dragged myself down. I spoke to some friends and they were extremely supportive, but you can't build yourself up on confidence, at least I can't. It was as though I couldn't feel what they were saying to make me feel better. 'You're super smart, you've got this!' is something one friend told me. I honestly - even to this day - don't think of myself too highly and have no idea how I've made it this far. Yet here I am - pushing on.
Whenever I get really upset I start reading a lot. At that time, I started reading about consciousness, serious games and development design principles for game development. Funnily enough they were all chosen before I got hit with that level of imposter syndrome well before I got started at this new work place. I'd started applying what I'd learned to begin development of the project and man, was it hard to get started. I thought it best to do things on paper first.
I remembered from my days as a student when I would just jump on and start bashing at the keyboard with the expectation that I would retain everything required to complete a project in my head and only after the struggle of debugging and ironing out the shit storm that is my project would I say 'man, I should really plan more'. Except that it took 3-4 times of this before I finally got it through my skull that I should at least get an overview of what I'm planning to do so that I don't fuck it up as royally as I had before. Ironically I didn't plan to write this up, but here I am!
Once I got started I got myself into a routine of coding, planning, coffee, talking to myself, masturbating and getting back to coding. This happened over and over again for a period of a month.
Then I suddenly started seeing the end of the project, another bout of imposter syndrome(was wanting to call it IS, but that's not a good idea!) hit me. I got the shakes and started having weird thoughts of being exposed as a fraud again. I was having such a hard time shaking it and tried to push through by coding some more, then I started breathing heavily as though I was about to have an anxiety attack. Me, about to have an anxiety attack. The guy who usually doesn't care about what impression I've left? What the hell's going on?
I was really upset over the fact that something as minute as work could get the better of me. I was fortunate to have a really good senior developer who was overlooking my stuff. To me, it seemed like I needed validation from someone who I thought was - hands down - better than me. Which I rarely do, because I'm awesome, but I guess that at the time I was new to the field and I was open to any and all suggestions for improvement. At the time of this case of imposter syndrome, he actually knew that I was overworking myself even though I was working remotely. He told me to stop coding and get some rest and that he's well aware of this stupid mentality that seems to be prevalent in the tech industry where you just sustain yourself on coffee to continue to code. No sleep required. I did this to myself without even thinking about it.
I created this horrible mentality for myself by not taking care of myself even though my mentality and physical well being aren't diametrically opposed, nor are they some demarcated pieces with which one does not need the other.
I'd managed to identify the issue, but that doesn't mean I was cured and that was that. I had to unlearn all of these stupid habits I'd developed along the way, like waiting until I was 'ready' before I took on a project. I'm inexperienced. Who the fuck was I to tell myself that I can't take on a project until I was ready? Dickhead. Other habits were to do with sleep, exercise, taking a break every once in a while to stretch. These things sound so obvious, but they're really not!
If you want to know how the project went, well it was a resounding success and they brought us on again for the next iteration. It was all aces. But as for my mental well being? I have been working on that really bloody hard. Even with the experiences I have today, I still have doubts about myself, but I've now got a habit of stopping what I'm doing and identifying what's going on internally.
These days I still code and I've created a company that means the absolute world to me in terms of values, ethics and what it means to actually see the work you've created(with your name on it) being viewed by other people.
What I've confessed is not direct advice, and nor was it intended to be. This was a quick snipped of what I went through when I began my career as a software developer. On top of that I was older than most new developers. like 25-27ish, so I felt a little sensitive about starting over, but it was really worth it. It's just about me pointing out that I've had my fair share of doubts. If you're reading this - and you're feeling those same doubts - then let me tell you that the empathy is real. It's a human response, and it's ok. Just please learn to identify what's causing these issues and unlearn the habits perpetuating those issues.
Thanks for reading. This is a new thing for me, so feel free to comment on improvements I could make to make your experiences better. I'm hoping to turn this into a weekly habit.
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