I had this idea of what this past weekend was going to look like. I wanted pizza, and I was still letting the energy from the EFT session I'd last late last week, to its thing. I was in allowance and we had supper at my mother's. She said something to me that made me realise "Hey, I can do this!"
You see, since I have a dairy allergy, I can't eat regular pizza. So we have to buy dough that is safe for me, it's frozen, but we still have to work it. Frank usually prepares the meals and I was content in letting him do everything, but I was worried the meat would start to go bad, since he'd bought it a day early. Plus, we had the kids and my step daughter had activities Sunday, so she would miss the pizza if we had it then, because there wouldn't be time to bring her back here before it was time for Frank to drive the kids to their mother's place.
My mom reminded me that I can take care of the pizza myself. After all, I did grow up in a Polish household, where I learnt to work dough. My mom can make noodle dough from scratch. Pizza dough would require yeast, but I wouldn't be doing it from scratch. I'd be rolling it. Easy!
I had let the Burnout dictate to me that I would not have the energy to do it. My mom ignited that spark in me of "I can, you just watch me!"
The only thing I knew I needed was to not be alone, so that my fears would not cause me to feel inadequate in the middle of what I was doing. Some company would be nice, while Frank was driving around with his daughter, so I suggested that my step-son stay at home, instead of accompany his dad. This way, he could also help me with the veggies, since he likes that sort of thing.
So now you have an image in your mind of what this might look like. I had even planned in my mind the post I was going to write about doing the pizza dough and all the toppings and how I would have proven to myself that I am capable, without losing too much energy.
The thing is, Frank's son wanted to accompany his dad, so Frank thought he'd cut the veggies for me. He had believed that I would be overwhelmed, not realising that it's the being alone part that I felt I could not do. The tasks, that, I could do.
Because I had this preconceived notion of this opportunity to prove something to myself, when Frank told me he had cut the veggies, after things had been decided, while I was in bed, without consulting me, made me feel devastated. I felt completely defeated and unmotivated and I didn't want to do the dough anymore. I wanted to chuck everything in the garbage. I felt like this opportunity, that I had insisted I wanted to have, had been taken away from me. Someone had decided something when it was not his decision to make.
Frank had to leave, and his son stayed, but I could not get myself out of bed and I was in a sad-panic, not rage this time. Just crying and defeated and unable to get myself out of this state.
In the past, I would just sit in that state. Sometimes, I would feel to embarrassed or ashamed to call my mom for help, so Frank would call her for me, but he wasn't there, and I was angry at him anyway. I took the phone and called my mom, sobbing as I was and she said "Okay, let's see how we can get you out of bed."
She reassured me that Frank probably had not realised the importance of stepping back, since usually I don'T mind him coddling me. That it's new and recent that I need and want to do more, since I have more energy and am no longer depressed, that he is adjusting, but would not do something like that on purpose. I told her I felt as though he had decided I wasn't capable. She reminded me about what she taught me. Frank had written notes for me. I said to my mom I wouldn't look at them and just follow what I knew by memory. We spoke a bit. She had some Spaghetti sauce going, so she said she'd call back in a bit, but that she wanted me to be up and getting ready int he bathroom when she did. "Yes, mom." ;)
When mom called back, I was feeling a bit better. Drained, and still angry at Frank, but already much better emotionally.
Man did I take out my frustrations on that dough. Rolling it like it had never been rolled before lol I floured my table, floured my hands, my rolling pin, did what I knew to do and rolled the dough. Then my step-son helped me put on the toppings, which he and his father had previously cut.
Everyone told me that the dough turned out better than when Frank does it and we had proper crusts to our pizzas too. Frank, after apologising and after I reconciled with him, told me that next time, I can show him what I do, how it's done the Polish way.
I was quite able to do the dough and in way less time than Frank had estimated. He thought it would take 1.5 hours. Took me 29 mins 43 seconds. For the doug part, all the way to having the table clean with no more flour on it. I'll allow myself ot brag a bit. But that's not what I was able to prove to myself. My mom reminded me that I showed self-restraint, because I was not throwing things out the window or in the garbage. Also, I called her, when typically I don't when "alone". And that even if in the moment, I felt unable to Tap, I did what I needed to get myself out of that bad state and feeling better. Calling her was the things that helped in that moment. I also was able to do the thing I'd lost motivation in doing because of a feeling of defeat. I did not let that defeat destroy me. I also learnt that maybe I don't need so much coddling or want so much anymore. Maybe, I'm getting that much better that I myself had not realised the importance of a bit of independence. I also realised that Frank was only going by what he knew in the past, so we talked about some things and established a few things to figure out in the future when I need him to help me more prominently and when I need him to not help me so prominently. That is something pretty big, realising that I mgiht not need or want as much help as I'm used to having, because I feel more capable than I did before.
So I THOUGHT that the chance to prove to myself that I am capable had been taken away from me, but instead that chance was replaced by the opportunity to learn and to prove something else to myself. I can always prove that I can do the whole pizza thing another time. There will be plenty more opportunities. I know it won't take as long, that's for sure.
But the main take away from all this was what I had not expected to prove to myself: That I can help myself when in a state and save myself and it passed quickly. I am capable of other things than what I thought I was capable of. It's very internal, it's very emotional. I was capable to get myself through that and knew what to do to get there.
And I can make darn good pizza dough. Now, will I be able to do the same from scratch? That's another challenge for another time. And I think, if I have to work with yeast, I'll focus on Babka and Paczki first. Similarly made, those are Polish things that because of the dough rising, take 10 hours to make. Last time I tried, my Babka fell flat, literally was a flat cake. Let's try to make it rise properly next time :p
Anyway, I guess this was more an analysis of my weekend's energies than of my EFT session, but I know the Tapping work has been helping in getting me to this point. I also know something a lot more important: I am capable.
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Thanks :)