What you said about feelings is very important to me. We make it our main focus. I regularly meet a certain type of person. These people are very depressed and usually alone. This isolation from what could give them positive and good experiences and thoughts is self-inflicted, without the person consciously noticing it or seeking to end the isolation in the sense of giving instead of expecting. Many of my clients (in that particular place) are single older women who have a long history of illness and already have a caregiver they never get along with and who is regularly complained about and expressed a lack of trust.
At some point these people end up in my social counselling service and find that I am "nice". This friendliness is "dangerous" in so far as I can replace the carers and people like to come back to discuss their affairs with me instead of with the legal carer. What characterizes these people is a lack of empathy towards others, little understanding for the needs of the world around them, but a lot of self-pity.
If I am courageous, I ask the client if I may be honest and as a rule I share my impression of her and say in an approximate way (shortened here): " You have a very negative effect on your fellow human beings. You overburden people with the fact that you have great emotional distress, which you reveal unfiltered. People feel deterred and instead of showing compassion, they try to get rid of you. What if instead you don't tell everything at once and focus on what is important at the moment?"
Sometimes clients react surprisingly insightfully to these statements. Others are offended and do not see their share in what is hurting their feelings.
Meanwhile I know that I don't have helper syndrome and better not fall for the fact that these women are just looking for a way to avoid having to deal with their legal caregiver or a therapist. In any case, they are either people who never do therapy and avoid any situation in which they are responsible. For my part, I think these women suffer because they withhold generosity and trust from their fellow men and therefore suffer from "giving too little". This coincides with the spiral which you have mentioned here and which leads further and further into depressing thoughts.
Furthermore, I don't think you have to worry too much if you are a wife or a relative or a friend. This makes those who have depressing thoughts even more depressed because they notice that their negativity affects their environment and people distance themselves inwardly (from worry or helplessness to great anger that the depressed person takes up so much space and pulls others down).
Depression (or depressing thoughts) is basically a crisis with great potential. People don't have it for nothing and they can be congratulated because they go through a phase of life where they question things. This is a natural process and should not be slowed down or condemned by the world around us because they wish the person concerned "to return to normal and the way he was". That's what it's all about: not to live as before.
That's why at the beginning I didn't quite agree with what you said about Dennis, but as I know you, it may represent the thoughts of the people around us that somebody has everything: a good job, a dear family and a safe home etc. etc. etc.
You can shock someone by saying, "Congratulations on your depression/dark thoughts." This statement is not meant to be a false joke, but a surprise. Sometimes people only start to listen attentively when they are provoked or even annoyed.
I much agree with the buddhist attempt as you know:) Happy to find that people more and more bring this way of seeing things into their lives. In the mainstream though it further will be misunderstood and striving for happiness an empty phrase. Well, that's how the stream goes ;-)
Thank you for another interesting and good read. Kisses!
Erika 😃,
You have a talent for presenting different angles from which ideas and concepts can also be seen :)
I read your comment twice, but I am still left with a few questions:
I wonder what is the fine line that separate those who can actually look inwards and those who will resist reflection about the self. The timing? Their personality? The nature of their distress?
You are very courageous indeed in attempting to yank people out of their misery through these observations. But I do agree with you that sometimes, some individuals tend to become more proactive after feeling irritated. It is almost as if their energy is diverted by that sort of emotion.
I am interested in how you described depression here. I see your point in highlighting the benefit of being in a state of questioning things. But, I have an observation to make. The questions raised and constructed by a depressive mind can mostly lead to misconstrued findings. No?
Finally:
I suppose loneliness does that to you. My view on this would be more in the lines that, because of loneliness, they forgot how to be generous and kind towards their fellow men. Maybe their suffering originates from the inability of not being able to give more, due to no longer knowing how.
You inspire me Erika. You help me to think out of the box! Thank you for this ❤ 😊
A big, tight hug all the way from Portugal :*
PS: I trust you and the family had an awesome time in Italy!
I am happy to have served as an inspiration. Thank you, that's a nice compliment!
I would make it dependent on how the favor of the hour can be used by the counselor, in this case me. So yes, rather the timing. Personality and plight must be well understood by me, the consultant. If I feel ready, if things are set on green, I take this courage and then I can carefully and compassionately express open observations without myself radiating a part of anger or irritation. Basically, any person who is not completely mentally disturbed is able to thematize reflection about themselves.
I don't know if Rüdiger Dahlke is available in English, he often speaks of "sickness/crisis as an opportunity". I see it the same way.
Not necessarily, no. There is something about depression that doesn't want to be quiet and that presents the world as grey, bad and worthless. I think it is important that these observations are taken up to the extent that they can lead to further questions that torment a depressed person. He wonders what life is all about, he finds other people insensitive and superficial, often even disturbing and disgusting. ... As long as there is an aggressive part in addition to depression - which it often is - aggression can be made an issue. Because what is pressed down in the true sense of the word wants to be brought to the surface. The questions about the meaning of relationships, work and environment - I'll bet and I can say from experience - are asked by many depressed people.
The wrongly understood results you speak of are for me rather the moments in which a depressed person is not in contact with his fellow world and tries to settle everything with himself and fails. That's why dialogue and exchange with other people is so important, otherwise you can't get out of isolation. Depressed people like to withdraw because they feel that they are a burden for their fellow human beings. That's very sad and not exactly what they need. Rather living life around them, in the sense that other people keep their joie de vivre despite the depressed. A fixed structure and task in life that gives meaning (which often needs to be found anew). That is why I find it so important to tell a depressed person openly that he overstrains his fellow human beings and to appeal to his compassion and to remind him that his acquaintances, family, colleagues or friends and also doctors have only limited capacities and that excessive silence or unfiltered talking would also unsettle the depressed person himself - in the opposite role - and bring him to the edge of his ideas.
I agree. They can learn again how to do that.
I feel very hugged :-D and give it back to you. Thank you, we made it home in one piece. I will write a little about the trip within the next days. Greet your hubby and whoever maybe interested to receive it from a German woman :))
The comment section is always as good as the article itself.
I was lurking around here for the last few months, but I welcome your writing.
While I don't have many "negative" thoughts, I see around me people with anguishes and if they had access to your article maybe some of them would actively try it.
I will try to make the blog (and SteemSTEM blogs in general) more visible from the outside.
Have a wonderful week.
How do you select the background and font color here? :D
Hey @alexdory :D
I am sorry for meddling between you and Erika here! But, I just wanted to let you know that it's wonderful seeing around :)
It is very nice of you to attempt to get a wider reach for SteemSTEM blogs!
I wish you all the best :*
Hi @alexdory,
I guess your reply was addressed to Abigail?
Yeah, the comments on her articles are always interesting to read, as well as the contents of the blog, I agree. :)
I was using SteemSTEM.io to comment so I guess that's why I replied to the wrong comment :D
Anyway glad to see you both writing.
Nothing would stop me from writing. :-D
Where are you from, may I ask?
Romania.
A little late with my response but personal matters took me through your country, this week.
I used to have more free time last year. I hope it will change soon.