(image uploaded to http://journalpsyche.org)
Warning. This is An Experiment (directed on myself), which May or Mayn't be of Use to Others
I document this only because I believe that any type of resolution to my experiment(s) may be of benefit to others out there.
With the Disclaimer Out of the Way, Onto the Experiment
The point of this experiment is to settle on an effective method to reach my unconscious mind, to release the "chains" that make living in "sexual freedom" such a far-reaching idea for myself. There's a good chance that a lot of what I'm about to say in the space below will make little sense in the context of ordinary speech or conscious thought-processes.
I will first enter into a relaxed, relatively subdued state of consciousness - meditative state - and will try to "pry", or feel around for, ways to reach into the depths of my own consciousness, wherein I hypothesize that I can "uproot" current irrational fears/ beliefs that make it difficult for me to fully express myself, sexually.
I'm looking for "insights" into the nature of how to develop an effective dialog, or deep understanding, between my "conscious awareness" and the processes of my unconscious mind, which shapes my subjective reality. These insights may come merely as feelings or it may come as mental images (either imagined or pulled from memories) or words or perhaps a combination of two or more of those possibilities.
All the white-space below the next heading (entitled Experimentation with Unconscious Transformation, Test One) will be used to document those words, images and feelings that "come to the surface" (of consciousness, or conscious awareness). I will write them down as they come.
There's no way of knowing at this moment (before I begin the experiment) if the things that I document will have any usefulness to me or whether there will be any type of coherent message between them when taken together. It may come across as complete jibberish. Of course, this doesn't rule out the possibility that certain combinations of words (thoughts), images and feelings may have a profound message within certain states of mind and be rendered meaningless at others, such as the "normal", "waking" state of consciousness (what I previously called "conscious awareness").
I repeat, this may or may not be of any use to you. Treat it with caution.
Experimentation with Unconscious Transformation, Test One:
feels heavy on the heart
heavy memory reinforcement
memories of feeling rejected and fearing rejection
judgments for not acting on desires
sharpening pains in the heart
prickles on the body
lots of shame, embarrassment, fear, mostly in sensations...some reinforcing images and memories
heaviness
mind keeps ringing a bell and flashing ideas, wants to re-direct focus away from fear/ pain
i hold onto my heart, feels right
try to find inner strength, searching by sensation/ intuition
feels like a battle between mind and body
mind keeps distracting with interests
i'm looking for direction
how to heal?
feels like the heart is the place to rest for resolution
feel more peaceful
mind seems to open, more spacious sensation of awareness
feel light and free
difficult to stick to original search
force myself back at the quest
feels heavy again
feels right to let go of the search
stay in the heart
see rusty chains
i'm too selfish
i feel...
just resting
feels like healing
empty
inviting
i feel like it is right to let my heart be free
mind distracts with interests
lots of thoughts about porn, temptation
self-judgments
pushed to let go
feel strain
space is closing in
feeling fearful
deep sigh
...
deep breaths
time slowing down again
find the heart
staying there
calming down
deep breaths
slow release
let go
stay here
be spacious and free
mind distracts
deep breaths
back to the heart
glimpse of... it's fuzzy...can't see details
be the feeling that I want
feel guided
give it time
deep breaths
feel the heart
let it all go
it's ok to let go
it's ok to forgive
feeling deeper
insight
stay with it
let it fill the open space
it feels good when everybody is free
it feels right to want everybody to be happy and free
rest
deep breaths
{end of experiment}
Post Experiment Thoughts/ Feelings/ Theories/ etc.
I went in with the intention to "find my way to healing" and I feel like I made some progress, for sure. I don't feel like I have a lot of insight into why I have problems with sexual freedom to begin with, although I still have the theories about it that I've always carried and some general reinforcements from some of the mental imagery during the session which lacked detail , but I do feel that I've gained insight into how to "release", or transform, from the fact of experiencing less than desirable levels of sexual freedom, and freedom to be myself, in general.
The apparent "answer" kept coming to me as having the courage to trust my heart and surrender my pains and fears to this mysterious sense of "spaciousness" that seems to open up when I concentrate on the sensations around the area of my heart (weighing down heavy with emotions and then becoming "lighter" as I release more and more) and the sensation of growing spaciousness, itself.
I feel much more peaceful right now, directly after coming out of the "self-search". I still feel that I'm not ready to be who I really want to be; that I can't yet be free to be myself and express myself (sexually and otherwise) freely.
I do feel like some progress was made and that it can be built upon by "diving back in" to the search.
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Searching for self. Who knows you better than you. People merely see a reflection of who you are by the behaviors you display. Finding the source of your behaviors will lead you to knowing yourself.
Indeed. That's the goal.
Thanks for the comment :)
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