Today I had the duty of assisting ballet classes for 0-3 year old Ballerinas. The classes for Ballerinas age of three require parents to leave them alone in the room for 45 mins. As we all know detachment has never been easy. In our first pre-k classes more than one of us can recall seeing a classmate cry or maybe ourselves crying. It has always been as natural and confusing as anything we go through growing up.
Today particularly I was observing the behavior of the babies and their parents. All of them different approaches, all of them different reactions. None of them absolutely wrong or right but just the way they face the world and teach their kids how to face it as well.
Two girls cried desperately while the third one never cried but mother never left the room. The first child cried, despite her brother being in class as well, for the first 10 minutes and then engaged with the class. The third one remained always with her mother and barely participated in class. The second one could not hold it together. Teachers and father gave many attempts for her to deal with the class, yet nothing effectively happened.
The pace of the class continued and despite the effort of her dad to engage her, she would not cooperate. After leaving twice the room the father decided to bring her over one more time and sit on a bench against the wall observing the class. She calmed down. The ballerinas were asked to grab a scarf and bring it over to their box. Father asked the girl if she would like to do so and she agreed! Wonderful! She steps away from her father and approaches the box with the rest of the ballerinas. She is finally starting to enjoy. As soon as she reached the box and puts the scarf in, the father decides to leave the room. Deep inside me I knew that was not the right move. The girl goes back to her father and she does not find her father. She cries desperately. Father comes back and takes her away. Attempt failed and better to go back home.
At the end of the class teachers approached us and commented the class. The teacher was particularly impressed by that child's behavior. She stated that girl would always struggle to start the class but then enjoy. This time the teacher was impressed by how "clingy" the girl was. It left me thinking. Clingy. Attachment, detachment, fear, trust.
I wondered: Why are people clingy? Why are child's clingy? What's their fear of enjoying? and I came up with an answer. Trust. Could it be possible that the girl did not trust her father?
My first answer was : ridiculous. The only thing she wants is to be with daddy to feel save. If she did not trust him, she would not want to be with him all the time. Then I thought : when I hold onto people usually Is out of fear they would leave and not come back. Trust. Whenever I have fought with my boyfriends, or real good friends it always comes to that, fear of abandonment.
I guess now I understand being clingy is being afraid of abandonment. Is the lack of trust. Is something to work on starting when you are a child and highly depending on the parents understanding. This will affect tremendously how you relate later on with your most important and closest relationships.
I kept on thinking if the father would have not left when the girl was starting to trust and let go the fear, probably she would have enjoyed the class and felt extremely happy to finish the time and probably have put another little extra grain sand on her relationship with her father and her future better half.
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STOPPerhaps our inherent desire for "acceptance" also plays somewhat a selfish role amid the cling & trust issues you so eloquently describe.