This morning my daughters are almost literally at each other’s throats. Insults have been lobbed to the point they are both beginning to sound like politicians running for office. Meanwhile, I’m still waking up.
Me, sleepy.
Mediating kid disputes is not my jam. I love supporting adults through mediation because they are, for the most part, able to think critically and slow their reactivity. I wish I could say the same for my girls, but mediation often has me looking like a hockey ref and the pair of them going to different penalty boxes. Why can’t we all be on the same team?
The thing is, we can be, but in order to do so we have to be willing to look beyond our own immediate wants, reassess our needs, and do so with compassion for the other party in our dispute. Could it be they want the same thing we do?
For my daughters, both want to be the apple of my eye. They forget, I have two eyes. So they are vying for positions they already have and tearing each other down to lessen one another’s potential access to my love.
It takes a leap of faith to recover from the sort of aggression they are committing against one another. For them, they have to trust me. I will not choose one over the other. They will also have to accept the consequences of their actions. It takes two to fight, so it takes two to apologize. And barring compassion, there are chores during which we can think about how we’ve hurt others.
I love when this goes well. Unfortunately I have two young daughters, and immature often means hyper-reactive. This doesn’t lessen the value of their feelings, but it does trip my PTSD wire to see people shouting at or shoving each other. No matter how small the people might be, I get frightened.
Which means I have to do the same thing as my kids to begin mediation: take a deep breath so we can work to gain some perspective distance from the problem.
Since beginning this writing, my younger daughter apologized and put on her shoes. My older daughter apologized and retrieved and took care of the recycling items I’d left upstairs. She is now putting lunchboxes into their backpacks. Then the two girls are going out to play. Together.
Do they agree with each other about who is the best/worst? No. But they are able to put that aside to cooperativley share in joy anyway. Sometimes that’s the best we can do. Yes, their insecurities will flare up again, their egos will be bruised and they will get reactive. They know this. But it doesn’t stop them from being friends.
What are you in the middle of this morning?
.
But after all you look really great.
That’s funny. I was kind of thinking something similar. The pic was obviously meant to express “worn out mama,” but it’s actually quite striking!
Aw thank you!
Thanks for sharing openly.
Having five little ones, including a set of twins, makes this a near constant reality in our house.
I love this:
I think I forget sometimes that kids literally live in fantasy worlds. That is not to demean them, but to recognize that their view of reality is usually far from the truth. I've been learning that I sometimes need to enter into the fantasy (not affirm it as true, but validate it as their lived experience) in order to help them work through the distress.
Another great post!
What can i say, children will always be children. And one interesting thing about them is that they don't hold no grudges. For instance, if you spank them now, the next minute, they are rushing back to you. >>You're very beautiful by the way.
I'm so glad they don't hold grudges. One awesome thing about my kiddos is they all have hug radar. If anyone in the house is in a hug, they run to join it. It's wonderfully uncanny.
I’m not in the middle of that today, but I feel your pain. I too often struggle to apply what I know about adults and conflict to situations with my kids. It’s like they are little aliens sent here to question everything we think we know! I agree that often conflict is between two people who actually want the same thing. I teach this as a nifty BS meter that is always helpful to consider before putting too much thought into our conflict. If we both have the same goal, then the conflict is usually on the absurd side of the continuum, since it really doesn’t require much negotiation or compromise. Instead, we “just” need to figure out why we have some predisposed assumption of conflict. With adults, that’s fairly straightforward but sometimes my kids really just want to bicker for the sake of it. Sometimes I wonder if it’s technically a form of play. I definitely try to pick my battles and just let them go when I can stand it. I hope your morning gets more pleasant! You can doooo it :)
Aliens questioning everything we know! Yes! And I also wonder if the bickering is technically a form of play. My morning straightened out, although I didn't get to do all the writing I hoped to. ;)
You look lovely, even sleepy and over the fighting...
A friend of mine was telling me about her niece having an obviously favorite child and it stressed me out so much - how terrible for a child to see their sibling being treated differently, better, etc... All I can think about is how that poor little girl will show her pain in a few years - drugs, sex, bad grades, anything that will get the attention she wants and needs so badly! And what will her relationship with her favored brother be like as an adult? I only have one for the moment, but I think often about how important it is to do what you are doing - never choose between them! Mediation sounds fun ;-) Happy Monday to you!
Playing favorites is a huge no-no in my book. I have seen the havoc that wreaks on the hearts and minds of children. It hurts, and the pain is long-lasting.
Even though mediating kids is not your favourite thing to do, I've seen you mediate adults a few times, and I know your daughters will grow up to be great women thanks to your kind and patient heart <3
Thank you, @soyrosa. I admit mediating through writing is a very different experience than mediating in person, but it does use the same principles. One thing I often hear about my kids is they are very attuned to and articulate about their own feelings. And it's nice to get that feedback because it rarely feels like I'm doing this parenting thing right.
I have no experience in parenting, but I would think if your kids are attuned to their own feelings and can put words to them - you're doing great! <3
Thankfully I don't have to deal with that so early in the morning with my two boys (yet). Only one is school age, so he's usually up and out the door before my younger one wakes up. However, once the oldest is home, all bets are off! Some days, it seems they live to instigate one another.
You have a child that SLEEPS!?!? That's like having a unicorn! I'm truly happy for you that you are able to start your day that way. It's such a lovely thing, and when you aren't bowled over, it sets the kids up to have a good day too. I get that afternoon battle-potential though. Afternoons are also hard.
Though i'm not married yet and don't have kids but would love to tell my mind
on this subject in discursion. Kids could sometimes be unpredictable in their
actions. They sometimes fight exchanging abusive words of insult and you later
find them playing together peacefully. That's how kids are. They are unpredictable,
but we have to live with that no matter how unbearable such behaviours seems to
be. @shawnamawna.
I do very much love the way they forgive and move on so quickly. Today my eldest and youngest played together for nearly an hour outside. They usually can't stand one another. But they were laughing and running around and just greatly enjoying being alive. A bonus is they also both fell asleep very quickly. :)
I have 3 girls, the youngest is 11 months though. My other two, do certainly get into some disagreements. I try and get them to take turns telling their side of the story. A different one goes first each time, I really want them to listen to one another and each one to decide what they think such happen now. I try and always remind them to be gentle with one another too. I also like to tell them that it is ok to not agree and ok to not get along all the time but to try and be gentle in how they deal with that. Usually by this time they have both gotten over the initial disagreement.
It sure is challenging being a parent, and first thing in the morning this is not really what you want to be dealing with, but our children our two different beings and we need to find ways to honour that. Not always easy though that's for sure xxxx
How do you keep track of who gets to go first? I really like this method, although I don't always have the patience to struggle with one to listen while another speaks. I think separating them so they can do this is beneficial in our home. I like what you tell your kids about not having to agree or get along. We say that too. It gives permission to have feelings that might otherwise be thwarted.
I usually let them tell me who goes first if I don't remember, I just want them to know that each of their opinions matter to me and I want them to come up with ways to resolve any disagreements.
You look lovely!
I like how you say that we can put our differences aside to enjoy something together. For me it's a football game where I forget everything about the person only to play with him and enjoy the time we are given!
Thank you for sharing! Have an amazing day, week, month and year!
Thank you! And this is a good point. We take each of our kids out on one-on-one dates in rotation. That way they get to share their interests free from the the pressure of competing with a sibling for attention. I actually went out with my middle child yesterday for a nice lunch. She was delighted and delightful.
Greetings @shawnamawna, its just work as usual. Thanks for the peep into your world. But I know with a certainty that you are the one for the job. I messaged you in discord when you get an opportunity. ....I love your post so insightful.
Thank you. I'll be checking back in with you on Discord shortly. :)
Great insight. I think kids are always naturally more prone to overlooking the process of 'who deserve this or who's better and who's not' in the long run than adults.
Anyway,I woke up looking for my muse. Yes, my muse.
Recently, I kind of lost my inspiration to write. So when I woke up this morning and saw a poem from @rensoul17, I felt I knew what I needed to do- I reconciled with my muse!
How did I do that?
I realized I have been doubting myself and searching for the wrong answers in the right places.
I was discouraged somewhere along the line and I allowed the criticism to get to me, and it drowned my motivation and raised my fears, so my pen started losing its ink.
Then I thought It was going to come back but it wasn't forthcoming, right then, I started doubting myself and looking for answers that have no questions. I shouldn't have questioned my potentials or abilities- they are always alive and more viable than I can ever imagine.
I was looking for the wrong answers at the right place- the deepest crevices of my creative mind.
Thank you for this insight today and the oppurtunity to share my morning experience @shawnamawna
Thank you for this share @rexdickson. How is it possible so much happens in the mind? Our brains are truly universes.
I love your title. I don’t know how many times my husband and I use to argue the exact same point without realizing it. We had such different perspectives that even when we agreed, we disagreed.
Ha! I know that relationship well. A lot of my disagreements with my spouse are that we are saying the same thing in different words and therefore not understanding each other. It takes work!
Insightful post and you are lovely even in your fatigue.
Thank you. ❤️
I've been reading (perhaps too much) research lately on some of the things you speak of in this post. Things like compassion and taking time before reacting tend to lead to better outcomes, greater happiness, etc. And here you know this just by instinct. So just keep rolling with that.
<3 Thanks, Drew. I will. Although I wouldn't call it instinct so much as hard-won neurological rewiring. Hooray for plasticity!