Well it's been quite a while since I last posted. I've been struggling a lot recently with feeling overwhelmed with things. I am currently hunting for a new job and the search has been pretty draining. Many revisions of resume's, many applications complete, six phone/webcam interview, and I am still waiting on a firm offer. Meanwhile I am transitioning in my current company to a different role that I had applied for last November but am now only finally getting around to moving to. Management delayed the transition for several months to let a few other things unfold first with other shifts.
On top of that, I tried pursing a business idea I had. I was able to work with a few family members on it for a few months, but all four of us have so much going on that we decided to put it on hold for the time being. I didn't feel like I could give it the attention it deserved, and I just didn't have the stamina or the energy to dive into learning a new programming language (I was going to code the website, which was the business - sort of a fintech thing).
Oh, the main reason I am looking for a new job is because my wife and I decided that the time is right to move closer to family and/or to a region of the country that we want to raise our family. So I have been researching various areas, rental markets, home prices, schools, and then the logistics of getting there with movers and storage and whatnot. On top of that, I am worried about how breaking my lease is going to work.
Getting back to the day to day, I am feeling very worthless at my current job. Transitioning all my work to other people made me realize just how little I was actually doing. Impostor Syndrome was always something I've struggled with, but lately it has been flaring up like crazy. Now I am looking at a new internal role and just lacking any and all motivation to jump into it since I know (with any luck) I'll be gone in a few months. Going to work each day has been tough.
I've always struggled with my career choice and my "purpose" in life. I wrote in an earlier piece on here about self-actualization, and finding meaning in what I do remains on my bucket list. One silver lining in all this is my family life. While professionally and personally I feel I am failing or at least not realizing my potential, I do feel like I am rocking it as a dad and also doing a good job at being a husband and son. At the end of the day, this is enough for me in life. If I can be the best dad I can be to my kids, I will be able to look back on my life with satisfaction and know I accomplished something. I am also working on being a better husband, but I'll admit, the dad thing comes more naturally to me.
Still, I have to be at work for 40 hours each week. Seems a shame to waste it doing something I find no meaning in. So I am looking for a change. Hopefully wherever I end up, I will find a greater meaning in what I do.
I have reflected quite frequently on all the possible futures I could have had. At this point in my life, some of them are no longer possible. Others are wholly incompatible with the lifestyle I want to live. A few are still potential futures I could steer myself towards. But I know in my heart that none of them will ever materialize. I will continue to work in more or less the same industry I do today. And that's OK - the job will always simply be a means to an end - security and comfort for my family and my future. But the futures I've imagined for myself are so varied and interesting to me, that sometimes I feel a pang of loss when I think that I will never be one thing or another.
In one future, I stayed in the military. I rose through the ranks and commanded a battalion, then a brigade. Then became a general and reached as high as I could. Perhaps I was the Secretary of Defense. Perhaps I just served as staff in a command group. But I had a distinguished military career.
In another future, I pursued emergency medicine. I became a paramedic and worked for years savings lives. Then I got some more education and landed a job as a flight medic on a helicopter.
Forking off that future, I attended medical school and became a surgeon or a radiologist.
Perhaps instead I went to dental school and became a dentist, opening my own practice and seeing the same patients in the small town my family lived in for years before selling my practice and heading into retirement.
Maybe I chose the life of a nomad - a long haul trucker, seeing the entire country and driving millions of miles.
Or maybe an aquatic nomad, serving on cargo ships. Or perhaps I land a job on a cruise ship, as an entertainer or an officer or guest relations person. Adventuring all over the world, away for months at a time, just a PO box for my mail back home.
Maybe I throw off society and become a mountain man, living the life of a recluse off the grid. Honing my woodsman skills, being fully self-sufficient, having a homestead and living off the land.
Maybe I become the next great novelist, penning works of fiction that fly off the shelves and earn me worldwide name recognition.
Perhaps I pursue a life of music, playing in an orchestra and touring the globe. Or maybe a composer, writing movie scores or electronic tracks or even rap.
Or maybe my life is in film, as an actor. Starring in feature films or TV shows and building a reputation as a versatile and talented performer. Or maybe my place is behind the camera, as a director or a screenwriter. Or perhaps I become a great documentary film-maker, producing insightful, moving, and thought-provoking works that inspire others. Or maybe I am a YouTube creator, making interesting financial or science or political videos for my fans and the public alike.
Maybe I pursue a life of public service as a social worker, making people's lives better and helping people at their lowest points. Maybe I serve in law enforcement as a cop who knows his beat and is dedicated to working with the community and not against it. Maybe I am a detective, outsmarting criminals and catching bad guys. Maybe I am an FBI agent, taking down organized crime undercover. Maybe I am a spy for the CIA, living life that comes close to what you see in the movies.
Maybe I am a politician, climbing from mayor to governor, perhaps even a Congressman.
Perhaps I become a journalist, covering the most important events for the most prestigious publications. Maybe I join the ranks of people like Nate Silver or David French and write opinion and analysis that is widely respected, if not always agreed with.
Maybe I become a teacher, mentoring and coaching children and taking a small role in forming them into the adults they grow up to be.
Maybe I become an astronaut and explore the solar system.
Maybe I am just a stay-at-home dad, and support my wife while she goes off to pursue her own passions.
All of these possibilities are things I have daydreamed about in some form or fashion at one point or another over the past few years. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. It's kind of a shame I can't try them all. Maybe that's why I love video games, movies, and novels so much -- they let you be someone else for a bit.
There was one man whose life was truly remarkable that I admire more and more the better I get to know his story. Leonardo Da Vinci. There have been a few articles about him recently, as it's been 500 years since his death. I am in awe at the sheer amount of topics he explored over his life. I think if there were a life I could live that would make me feel like I had truly made a difference in the world at large while also enjoying my passions, it would be a life like his. Jack of all trades, master of quite a few.
Anyway, to wrap this up I wanted to share something of his that I just discovered. Da Vinci was a prolific doodler, for lack of a better term. He drew pictures and plans of many, many things, both real and imagined. One such sketch was for a new instrument. It was similar to a piano, in that it had keys, but the mechanism for sound was akin to a stringed instrument, with a circular bow rubbing against a string.
Centuries later, a man decided to turn this sketch into reality. He built the instrument. And you can hear it here. I listened to this while writing this post. It is beautiful to me. His life is inspiring to me. May you find beauty and inspiration too.
Kinda Hurdy Gurdy...ish. Play the Game of Thrones theme, guy in youtube video that can't hear me!
I'm sad to admit that I can relate to your uncertainty what to do professionally the rest of your life. I'm not knowing that for myself either. A new qualification (as a anaesthetic nurse for example) requires at least 3 years of training and most free places are already taken. (Even those for next spring.) And after all, I'm not young anymore.
I found out about Brian May's late PhD (30+ years after he began dealing with the topic).
Life seems to work better for some people.
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