The Wound and the Blessing
This, being human, is the hardest thing I've ever done! Truly, have you not found it to be so? The addictions, decades-long diseases, failures in business and marriage, foolish impetuous decisions that lead to prison, or even to the death of others, the loss of children and friends to war... yes, it's an endless list is it not? No doubt, you have endured or are enduring affliction(s) and deep soul challenging burdens right now. And if you are like me and most other humans, you have cursed the darkness, and perhaps railed at God.
I must confess, there have been times that I have given God the finger. Oh yes, I have. And I am certain I am not alone. At the time I did so I realized it did absolutely no good whatsoever... well perhaps I had a moment of release of anger, but thats about it. I have heard of those who in the extreme moment of trial have found sweet solace in the presence of God, but I have not been one of those. No, I've been left to my own devices...and that was probably the best thing for me at the time. And in the end it was the God I cursed who I sought, and it is from that Source that my life has taken on greater meaning and purpose. No, this is not an attempt to promote a religion or my personal vision of the Divine. What I hope rather, is to give you greater perspective and hope.
It seems to me the greatest souls among us are those who have endured terrible tribulations. Not only did they endure, but they were transformed, changed, and moved toward a greater wholeness and capacity to love, be compassionate, and even be joyful. (Joyful! That is a vision I have yet to attain.) I am reminded of a Buddhist prayer: "Grant that I might have enough suffering to awaken in me the deepest possible compassion and wisdom." I was touched recently by a quote in a favorite book of mine by Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart, wherein he quoted a prayer written on a scrap of paper by an unknown prisoner from the Ravensbruck concentration camp of WWII. This prayer was laid upon the body of a dead child: "Oh Lord, remember not only the men and women of good will, but also those of ill will. But do not remember only the suffering they have inflicted on us; remember too the fruits we brought forth thanks to this suffering ... our comradeship, our loyalty, our courage, our generosity, the greatness of heart which has grown out of all this. And when they come to judgement, let all the fruits which we have borne be their forgiveness." Such a heart as that of the author of this prayer humbles me to the core. Oh, that I too, one day will have this capacity to forgive and see beyond my small limited vision. 
I had a most profound dream a few years ago that I shall share. But first let me share that I believe I have lived many lifetimes as a warrior, one to whom the sword was the meaning of life. In this dream I looked down from above into a valley in which the bones of those I had killed lay. Many of the bones were as dust and all was a dull white and dreary beyond comprehension. And I was cast down into the valley of death and tormented as I thrashed around among the dead, choking on the dust of those bones. And from this massive grave of the dead arose a terrible groaning and cry, a lamentation of sorrow and grief and immense suffering. And this cacophony of horror rose into the sky above the earth and formed a great sheet of shimmering light that ascended to God as pure love. And in my heart, from my deepest soul I sought forgiveness and was forgiven. There is much that I do not understand, but I know this one thing: there is a power of Light and Love within all things, even in my suffering, even in your suffering, and it is this Light that transforms our sorrows and suffering.
I pray that each of us, one day, may turn our tribulations, our sufferings, our agonies into the en-lightened soul and that in that day we may, each of us, be filled with loving kindness, compassion, courage and so much more, and yes...even joy.
Here is a poem I wrote quite some time ago. Perhaps it will speak to you.
SACRED WOUND
By Christopher
I have cursed you God
For wounding me
For cutting into my innocent heart
And smashing it
Against the hard, cold stone of your face.
I have screamed profanities
With spit slobbering from swollen lips
My rage so hot the froth of my anger
Seemed like some swelling, bursting magma
From the center of my soul.
I have cursed you God
Until exhausted, and quaking on knees,
You forced to the ground,
I cried,
Leave me alone!
Just leave me alone!
To come now after so many years
To understand the wound is a sacred thing
Agreed to in some hidden beginning
Is transforming.
Could this wounding be
Your sweetest,
Darkest,
Love?
May we all be blessed. May we lift each other up in this community of Steemit.
Gorgeous. I, too, have suffered darker thoughts where I wish I could smite the wholeness of the world (which I have come to equate with God). Much of my life has been an attempt at reconciliation with this grand chaos.
Sorry I missed your comment. I do appreciate it. But more than you comment I appreciate one who has a deep soul, as I sense you do. Blessings.
THanks, Mahadi, I can always count on you to read my posts. Blessings on your head today.