It's one of those days: It's as if there's a huge block in my chest, my head is spinning rounds back to itself, everything seems to spiral down in my mental landscape, without any particular reason – I'm struggling to muster my energy to write this.
I slept over 8 hours, but I barely can hold my head up straight without leaning it on my palms. It reminds me awful lot of the winter episode I had; I'm too sluggish to even say a word. But if I stayed at home, would I get punished, or would they just leave it through their fingers? In either way the world doesn't let us heal ourselves without a permission of a boss or a doctor. We'd be just lazy, slothful without a spine otherwise.
Excuse me my mood, I really don't get like this on purpose.
This kind of living destroys me; I've got almost zero things to do, I'm not learning anything, it's pure waste, and the spiral makes it harder and harder for me to even get up. It keeps pushing you down like a falling sky.
As far as I consider, it's a fact that this is not healthy for me. It only builds toxicity in me. I can only hope that once it's over, my system cleanses as quickly as possible from the poisons and bitter taste in my mouth.
The fact that I actually get decent money for slavery (750€ for the last three months each) doesn't change anything. It just makes me look and feel as entitled first world citizen.
But money doesn't have to do anything with this. Life never was about money for me in the first place. I think I only once applied for a summer job – didn't get it, I was actually happy about that, I'm happy I spent the "golden teenage years" carefree because now I gotta start doing this adulting thing, on my own terms though.
Only couple of times did I work on summer for my grandpa in the summer cottage – now I don't want to visit there at all or be in any dealings with the mother-side of relatives because their expectations laid unto me. Maybe they don't realize it, but the older I've grew – instead of getting closer to me – they've pushed me away. My fault? That has crossed in my mind many times; maybe I'm incapable, maybe I was the wrong offspring they got. Well, sorry about that.
My views on life definitely differ from what the majority holds. For me there really is no choice than to be selfish – to a degree. That makes me a bad person? Maybe in someone's eyes, however, in the long run it's better for them too that I act "selfish" so that I might not grow bitter towards the world and the people who didn't know what they were doing or saying. With a bit of luck, maybe I will even come back to them.
People really don't know anything, and I believe it's better for you to also relate to the world that way. Everybody acts as if they knew things, but just look: if they knew, why are they broken themselves, why weren't they the most successful people in the world then? Take everything and everyone with a grain of salt, including me.
Do not worry, I got myself back to the book of "living". Writing this might've helped. Maybe I'm actually becoming better at healing myself, that's pretty cool if you ask me.
I am not the best person to try and cheer you up (and I am glad that your writing has helped).
I very much understand that foreboding sense of emptiness that drags down upon our beings to make every little thing that we do seem like such a chore. this down to every breath that we take.
All we can do is to try and shake it up - change our environment and our behavior patterns. Perhaps - just maybe - we'll be able to shake off the depressive gene that seems to grow dominant in those hours.
All the best.
Hey, @pathforger. I'm all good and well again, thank you. You stopping by and comments in general always cheer me up, it was just an odd "off-beat" morning, really strange. Makes me feel and realize how little control of ourselves we have – sometimes a sudden sentiment just takes you.
How you hanging yourself?
With a silky smooth rope of course. Have to mitigate the rope burn on the way down.
Kidding, of course. Glad that you are feeling better.
Also, true about the lack of personal control thing.
nice write up
Glad you liked it.