I didn't mean for it to happen. It just kind of snuck up on me and took hold. Depression.
After a few days of feeling like I was spiraling deeper into the dark place, I walked away from the computer for a few hours and spent some quality time with myself. I know that sounds weird, but when I'm so involved with work or otherwise occupied with online or real life stuff, I am on the back burner. I am not paying attention to me.
Originally posted on Whaleshares and modified for Steemit
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I had to figure out what was bothering me. Where did the dark journey begin?
I quickly realized that I was getting a lot of "NO" from my loved ones - for trifling things - but still a "no."
Will you watch a show with me? I think you'd like it.
No, I'm not in the mood. I'm kind of tired.
Let's play a game: Scrabble or cards?
No. I'm gonna do... (something else)
Why don't we have dinner together?
(Sitting at the table instead of him taking his meal in his favorite chair and me eating at my desk)
Naw, I'm probably just gonna scarf this down and go to bed."
Like I mentioned earlier - it's the little things.
It's not that I asked for much. In fact, I do not need a lot of attention, an attribution to Aspie power, I suppose. But apparently my more human side was craving some kind of attention this week - and all I got were NOs.
I wrote this haiku yesterday:
When I realized these little things had accumulated to the point of dragging me down, jabbing tiny pinpricks into my self-confidence, rehashing ancient rejections and past hurts like an old familiar blanket...
When I realized this...
I started to get mad
My anger is shoveling dirt into that pit of darkness with a big FUCK YOU attached to it.
I'm angry with my family for saying NO to trifling things. I feel like they're being self-absorbed assholes. How hard is it to say yes? One YES was the only thing I craved. One real life connective thing so that I could unplug and feel... better? loved? appreciated? I don't even know because I'm trying really hard to climb away from the dark place and its lingering energy-siphoning tentacles.
So, I'm still working on feeling better and doing "busy work" to keep myself occupied...
I'm listening to me.
I'm relying on me.
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I will play with you....I went through a similar thing a few weeks ago. Got fedup with asking so now I'm focusing on my writing and screw the rest. Oh and if someone asked me something I gave them their own medicine...lol
I have so many more online friends than I do real life friends - and with that abundance there is always someone available. Problem is... when I get to a really dark place, I just shut down everything. I know that I do it so I'm trying NOT to disappear. I'm still feeling "off" but not so bad. I love you, Yvette. Thank you.
Hi Mer
I feel you are talking right to me this morning.
Thanks. Those cumulative things count, and they are insidious because when you identify them in isolation they seem to be an over reaction or disproportionate.
Mere power.
Where ever it comes from, it is awesome and I thank you for sharing.
x
I think, in the past, I never recognized how those little things could accumulate - like a pressure cooker.
The anger helped from falling deeper into the pit. And now that I know what's bothering me, I think I need to kick some ass. Maybe demand a date: go to dinner, maybe a movie.
There's a part of me that's thinking Screw you, I don't need you. That's a slippery slope too.
...and people wonder why my online friends are so important to me! We are here for each other!
the twins of writing and exercise seem to be the only things that keep me sane and out of the depressive loop anymore. The hardest part is when I do slip into that place and my son wants to play or worse yet ask me why I am not smiling.... so I write and workout and it helps.
When I get low, I turn to brainless activity - scrolling through Twitter, doing those stupid quizzes on facebook, playing Candy Crush 'til my phone gets too hot. LOL
Writing and exercise feels like an impossibility - and I KNOW they help get me out of the funk!
I am a stubborn fool sometimes.
Working through depression while taking care of young children is SO HARD! Thankfully my boys have and I have survived their childhood. They're no worse for wear, but I've always been honest with them.
"This is mommy's sad time; I need more hugs...and quiet"
Mommy cries for happy things, sad things and Disney movies. << They understand that one. I still get teased about the Disney movies (and Hallmark commercials). lol
Family members can be very mean, focused on themselves. Start arranging a family night for one night of the week where you all have to join in. Hope your feeling better :)
I'm not sure if I'm mad at them or myself but the anger staved off the deep depression. Feeling kind of blah but it's better than being catatonic. Family night sounds like fun. It doesn't even have to be weekly. Even once a month will help feel connected to the people I share space with! Great idea, Karen
I hope it helps, let us know what you decide :)
I can completely relate to this! My love language is definitely quality time.