I can't stand feeling loneliness, I feel it is a useless and shameful emotion and become quite enraged when it begins to boil up. I can usually manage to deal with it by making myself justify feeling a certain way, this makes the logical side of me kick in and I stop it in it's tracks. Lately though it's been more difficult to control, as if the past six years of seclusion have done nothing but compound the emotion. Which could be the case, it's not like I just flat out ignore it, I make sure to acknowledge my emotions and figure out what is making me feel a certain way to deal with and fix it. It could be that nearing my thirtieth year of existence is subconsciously making me wonder what I've been missing all this time, or maybe it's just biology telling me to mate up and have kid before I'm to damn old. Whatever it is, I'm sick of it.
Depression, anger, fear, and lust are the easiest for me to handle. It took a long time to control that side of me, being in control of your emotions will bring a level happiness to anyones life that you wouldn't imagine is possible. Loneliness was easy as well, until lately of course. Long ago I realized that all I was try to do with relationships was feel the way the first true love felt, but I'm sure we all know that never works out. With that one hitting me like and Acme anvil, it became clear (after the stars and tweety birds faded) that emulating what I once had was going to lead to eternal disappointment and I needed to be willing to accept something new. Not as simple when your as bull headed as me. Eventually I did, just leading to the same outcome with a different person. Not saying that I was never to blame when the relationship ended, but at this point it's three for three. The three that weren't my fault ended with the usual array of statements trying to piss me off enough to be the one to break it off. They were of course the ones that I had invested all my emotion, love, and time into.
With all that said, you would guess that I have trust problems. You would be more than correct. If anyone does read this and comment, I will just assume that it was bot. I don't trust people online because a majority of profile are bots, and you never know if the person you have befriended online is even who they claim to be. I've been through a few dating apps, and found that most of the women I spoke to online weren't real. Even some of the more popular apps, as well as some obscure had the same results. If your in bar looking to meet up these days all you get is junkies, drunks, and STDs. It doesn't help someone that already can't trust people, even if somebody does read this and comments I wouldn't be convinced it was a real person. Maybe I shouldn't be online at all, maybe I should just seclude myself further. I'm mainly writing this to try and come to some kind of conclusion while thinking all this through. I've rationalized things out most of the day while at work, now I've gone through three paragraphs and I'm still wondering if I can actually get this straight without getting involved in a relationship with someone.
I feel as though I have no need for a relationship other than to stop feeling lonely, but it would be horrible of me to find someone just to stop the loneliness. I may be to set in my ways but, I am happy with my life the way it is. Just every now again I'm not that happy. I asked myself the question, "Do I want to share my life with somebody, or do I just want to be loved?" and it turns out that I just want to be loved. It seems far to selfish of me to bring someone into my life just to love me, it would be far to damaging to the person and just make them stop trusting people the way I do. I will not add to the cycle the way it happened to me. The usual American self image problems aside, I also feel like I don't have anything to offer the kind of woman I find attractive. I go for the independent kind of women, I've said for a while know, if you can't live without me then you can't live with me. I can't stand someone that is so utterly dependent on another that they feel like their life will be destroyed from a break up. I prefer women that can walk away without a word, and will not regret it. I just don't see what that kind of woman would see in me, not that whoever reads this has any metric to argue the point. Stopping this will require a lot more reflection, but I will not let it defeat me. Never again will I allow my emotions to govern my action, other than anger, it is a very productive emotion for me. Of all the emotion we feel, anger is the easiest for me to channel into ambition and focus. Everything else just fogs up the lens....