Back when I was travelling in Germany, a friend of mine asked me a very casual question – How can I help my partner cope with depression? The answers are multi fold. Truth is – there is no protocol for it. But my quest to find a perfect answer kept growing and I finally found some concrete, feasible solutions. Therefore, this article is for people who genuinely want to support your partner, but just don’t know how.
There is a way of offering help –A person suffering from depression is very hesitant to seek help from others. There is mistrust and a sense of insecurity. You need to offer support in a subtle way. For instance – you saw a book on mental illness which you think is a great resource. You dare not present it directly. A direct offer more often than not will lead to rejection. You probably should leave it lying around in place where your loved one will cross paths with. Give them the power to choose for themselves if they want to read it further. Indirect approach works better because there is no pressure or confrontation. You are empowering your partner to take the first step of recovery by their own will.
Know your enemy but don’t dig deep – I know I know! Google is here, you researched about the illness and developed concrete information. It is good to know in detail about the condition, but do not try to impose your knowledge on the spouse. For example – the sufferer says “Am useless, I can’t get a single thing right” and then you reply “oh no! That’s your condition talking, I have been reading about it and self-deprecation is the reason you are still depressed, you need to gain confidence”. That is NOT how you go about things. Do not construct a doctor-patient relationship. Instead you can say something like “sure you’re not having a bright day but remember when you won the employee of the month? You were great!” Induce confidence without exerting pressure.
Golden words for you – As cliché as it may sound, saying things like “I love you”, “I believe in you and you need to get better for me “and “Let’s be in this together” work wonders. Use these sentences repeatedly (3 to 4 times a day) to instill self confidence in them. If you get an uncanny or unkind response back, don’t pay too much attention. People with depression feel that their world is spiraling out of control. Therefore in an attempt to regain control, they react in an unpleasant manner. But you need to separate the “illness” from the person inside. Despite layers of bewilderedness and isolation, your partner is still the same person whose laughter made your heart skip a beat!
You can’t “fix” someone else’s depression – It’s not in your hands to rescue your loved one from depression, nor can you. You are not to be blamed for your partner’s illness. It’s romantic to say “I’ll do whatever it takes” but it invariable affects your mental health, burning you out and then you’ll both be miserable. Of course you want to help, but you can only do so much. They need professional help and your role is to support that decision and ensure they are regular with therapy. Ultimately, recovery lies in the effort of your partner.
- Dr. Divya Madhusudhan
Divya is the founder of Hear Your Mind, an organisation that aims to initiate
conversations around mental health and move beyond stigma
That's useful, thank you for sharing. In my life I was the one who was depressed. And yep, all these “oh no! That’s your condition talking, I have been reading about it and self-deprecation is the reason you are still depressed, you need to gain confidence” really make feel worse then better.
Thank you for the feedback. Partners really want to help but they are just don't know how. I have been in the same position as yours and exactly know what you mean :)