Excerpt: Let's face it, in the 21st century it is unlikely that people marry their first partner; not only that, a free person would not want an inexperienced partner. I am not talking only about sexual experience, but about being in multiple relationships in order to understand who we are, to work with the many aspects within us and then come to the ultimate relationship as a solid whole rather than a fragmented human. However, no matter how evolved one is, there is the human aspect that brings up issues of jealousy and fear that if not addressed might ruin the most promising relationship. The bottom line is to understand that we are more than flesh, thoughts, and memories.
credit: pixabay
Hello,
Perhaps I am being hypocritical, but each time I fall in love with a girl I find it terrible and even impossible to imagine her past relationships; how she kissed other men and had sex with them etc. I feel as if someone invaded my territory.
When I think about it I feel threatened even though I love fondling, kissing, having flings and casual sex; but that’s only for me. As I say I might be a hypocrite.
I realize that sex is fun and a girl is not expected to wait all her life until she finds me. Am I overvaluing physical touch? Can you take this tormenting thought from my mind?
Ethan
Ethan,
I have a constructive advice for you. But let’s begin with what not to do.
Do not ignore your girlfriend’s past. What this means is if she wants to share the experiences she had with other men in the past with you do not tell her: “I don’t want to hear about it”. If she wants to tell you about it she surely has a good reason; perhaps to ease a burden that she has been carrying for a long time. Perhaps only now, when she found someone strong and caring enough, who she trusts, is she able to open her heart. Do not, therefore, reject her attempts but let her talk. It may hurt you to just be silent and listen; you may get upset, but no matter what she says do not show her what you feel. Restrain yourself and at the first opportunity work on those angry feelings and inner pain. What do I mean?
The pain – emotional and physical – that you feel because of your spouse’s past relationships stems from limited perceptions that you hold about human beings. Check yourself vis-à-vis the following statements and wherever you disagree, know that you have lessons to learn:
The past does not really exist. It is just an illusion in your imagination. What matters is the present and the now moment within the present. Does your spouse live with you in the present or does she always talk about her past? If the former then you should also leave the past and live with her in the present.
Biologically speaking, the human body completely replaces its cells every seven years. The girl you touch today is physically not the one that lived seven years ago let alone the one that you will be with seven years from now.
Do you fully trust your girlfriend? Perhaps her past bothers you because you fear that her seeming sexual permissiveness means infidelity? If it is a question of trust, work on it.
The human being is much more than flesh and blood. A TrueLove relationship is a communication between two spirits that are embodied in a physical body. Therefore, your relationship is based on deeper levels than the physical.
The choices that your girlfriend made in her past, no matter how horrendous you may find them to be, were done by certain aspects of the whole Self that you now perceive to be your girlfriend. She is not that person from her past but much more of her whole self. Judging her past decisions is like judging the acts of an entirely different human being. It’s pointless and inappropriate.
And lastly, although it may seem irrelevant to you, do you use pornographic material? If so, you are recommended to cease such behavior as it imprints in one’s mind twisted perceptions regarding men, women and the nature of their relationship, and creates an unbalanced dynamic between the male and female aspects within you. I will elaborate on this issue in another post.
Good Luck!
That's what I noticed to myself too, I'm fan of porn and I realized that my true nature of being a man was altered and the more I watched porn the more it prevent me from having sex with my GF, And I'm becoming less emotional to my GF and I'm the one who blame to separation with my GF. That's should be my Lesson that i will never forget and it will never happen again.
Indeed.
I will address the issue of pornograohy in a coming post.
For now, I'll just say, that the reason to abstain from pornograohy, as a rule, is not based in morality or religion, but the consciousness of the parties involved.
I have a friend like this. She’s a girl tho, her boyfriend right now is her first bf but she was not the first gd of course. She actually told us about the past of the guy since the guy talk about it so openly to her and she just listen and she loves listening about the past of the guy. The thing is there are times that those past are hunting her too, she’s always thinking about what if’s in their relationship specially the kind of work the guy has- seaman. They are still together and I think it is because both of them are living in the now moment instead of focusing about the bad past of each other.
If you are in a relationship,a true relationship you should not bring up her past. You should get it very clear that it can be painful. If the answers of questions u have been wondering about like :
How many people she’ve slept with?
How many times she’ve been in love?
... etc were not only in 1's & 2's but more than that it can really be a heartbreak warfare.
So just try to be positive. Remove these thoughts from your mind and find ways to live a happy and peaceful life with her.
Indeed. As a rule, the more relationships one had in their past the better. Relationships are the fastest way to grow.
Exactly! 😊
היי דוד, אני ממש לא מסכים, ולדעתי זו חשיבה לא נכונה.
זהו בקצרה כמובן הכל נכתב ברוח טובה, שיהיה אחלה יום.
ברור ברוח טובה😊
הנושא מורכב וארוך לדיון ולכן אתייחס לנקודה של שיעור הגרושין.
הם עולים כי אנשים מתחתנים בלי הרבה נסיון ומאוד מהר מגלים שבן הזוג לא מספק להם את מלוא הטווח שהם צריכים. טווח נפשי, אישיותי, אני מתכוון.
לו בני הזוג היו עם יותר ניסיון הם היו מביאים לקשר יותר שלמות.
הראיה היא שאחוזי הגרושים בנישואים שניים נמוכים יותר.
אכן נושא מורכב וארוך.
limited perceptions that you hold about life.
ולא Humans Beings
ישנו הבדל מהותי בין העולם שבו חיינו לפני שלושים שנה והיום. התודעה השתנתה, היום אנשים מרגישים דחף להתוודע לעצמם, להכיר את כל חלקי האישיות, חלקי הנפש. בעבר הדחף הזה לא היה. זוג היה מתחתן והיה מאוד מרוצה מהאתגר שהציבו אחד לשני לאורך עשרות שנים. היום האתגר הזה ממצה את עצמו בתוך שנה/שנתיים. וזה בסדר!
כי שוב, ואת זה עליך לזכור, היום אנחנו חיים בעידן של -
individualism
זהו חלק משמעותי מהאבולוציה שלנו כבני אדם. לא לחינם כל המערכות מסביבנו כושלות - וליטיקה, כלכלה, סביבה, דת! הכל מתכנס לנקודה אחת - האדם עצמו - שממנה עולם חדש יפרוץ.
The words you highlighted about the relationship were very great.
In our present society, this problem is now getting more. I would say that men are doing this much. Men are involved in many things before marriage, and after engaging in physical relationships. Later, the girls were in trouble for him. Girls always give up about these issues. But how many days?
Girls will not find any solution? Will they always tolerate this?
How much will they sacrifice?
Indeed, how much more? 🤔
😲
I think that the most bolt problem is that the man and woman meet in first time, and before they really know each other thanks a lot of emotions experiences, they finally find out something that they don’t like and this is lead to conflict or suddenly too end this relationship.
Thank you for this post. It is let me really to think about it.
.. Which is a shame.
We should realize that people who come into our life carry gifts. Their past is such present!
Thanks, mate👍
@nomad-magus good counsels you have in your post and also rational however it is so difficult to implement them because of emotional reasons.
We have to work on ourselves to do so. Jealous is a difficult "sickness"...
Indeed. And I have gone through every situation that I am speaking of and I know there is a light at the end of the emotional tunnel.
Emotions come from the mind, and once you release the thought process, remain in the now moment, practice self-love - jealousy will disappear.
This is reality. maximum people have this ptoblem but i think everyone have a bad past. so what? just ignore your past & follow presnt and future. everything will be ok when we trust our life partner from our heart. i like this topice because i had a friend, he face the same problem but now he is happy with his partner.
Good for your friend!
He managed to reconcile, make peace, with his past, and therefore he attracted a partner that is not bothered about that past.
yes. still he is happy for his new life. he move on his life well.
What is the relationship between youth in a relationship? Physical relationship can not be the main issue. Everyone has to be past. Now if I have a girlfriend in the past, if she has a girlfriend in the past, and if she kissing the girl, has a physical relationship, then what will I do? Shall i forgive him? Or will you give up? Or will I start to forget about the past?
The suggestion that you gave him gave a great suggestion. In fact, our mentality should be such.
If I was in my place, I would have started my life with a forgiving person who could forgive me. But it was right that I used to suffer much from the mind, I could never forget it.
If you don't mind, what would you do if you used to personally face this problem?
I understood the situations to be like this:
You have a boyfriend and you saw him kissing his ex-girlfriend, right? And you are asking what to do?
This is not about dealing with the past. This is very much the present
If your boyfriend kisses another girl, against the norms of your relationship (could be [polyamory] (https://steemit.com/advice/@nomad-magus/i-fancy-a-guy-that-i-met-have-i-stopped-loving-my-boyfriend-some-words-about-polyamory), then he clearly made the choice: "I don't want to be with you; I am choosing another one".
There's nothing to debate here. Say good-bye and move on with your life.
you are right.this is not about dealing with the past. i continue my present. forget my past. i visit your link & read the advice. its too good. now i am feeling better.
yes i told my past, i forget you & now i move on my life.
The modernisation has demoralised us in such a bad way that we have lost all the hope of love that ever was magic creator. Nowadays relationships are agreements... We simply are encountered by infatuations and we mistreat them for love.
There's still hope, friend. Else you and I would not be chatting now ☺️
Yes indeed. If people continue to hope just like you and me we can restore back what actual love that was described in the old books meant...
The only reason you're suffering from this condition is because you're choosing to give a disproportionate amount of mind space to it.
Once you've discussed the past, especially if it bothers you, try to just let it go. If you keep picking at it like a scab, eventually it will become a scar.
This article has helped me a lot to understand what my partner is goin through and has showed me how to deal with it myself x my relationship is absolutely worth keeping he’s the one I want to be with forever I just hope he can overcome this x
The article has given me hope for us again
Thank you x
👍glad to hear
Great words and advice, @nomad-magus! I have a lot to say regarding this matter, but let me sum it up in a few sentences.
The past does not matter, as long as it doesn't matter to you nor your partner. The only time the past matters is when you always look back to it, as if missing the person you were with, and neglecting the person you are with. That connotes a problem that you both should fix - and usually the fix it requires is separation.
But, let me put an exception to this. Sometimes, the past does matter to avoid and correct mistakes that can happen at the present.
So, if your partner genuinely opens up his/her past to you, treasure him/her. Recognize his/her efforts to be honest with you. Because honesty is the start and the anchor of a fruitful long-term relationship.
First of all I read the comments. Everyone very well said. If someone sticks to the past, then its future is dark. For the future, forget about the past is good. Now the matter is that if my life partner has a physical relationship with another girl, what should I do? What will i have to do I do not know what to do if I fall under any circumstances, but I get much more pain.
I want my loved ones to live forever, if I know that he was already physically related to someone else, Then I will die.
You gave him good advice. But it would be very difficult to get out of such a situation. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful thing
In Muslim cultures it is common for men to have several wives, I think up to a four is allowed.
It is up to the woman to decide if she agrees to this type of relationship.
so what! i am a girl, i have a heart. this is right our muslim contries a common rules men have to several wives. but when we see our husband makes physical relation to other women then we feel very bad & our heart will be broken. but we can't say anything them. we girls are helpless. this is not fair.
You are not helpless, my friend.
You always have a choice, unless you are forced, imprisoned, detained. And even then you still have the freedom of your consciousness.
thanks for you notice it my dear friend. but i have not this kind of problem of my life because still i am a single persone & hope u get a good man for my life as a good partner good lover & good friend.
Yes you Right. I agreed
As usual, true and kind words.
Trust is actually the most important thing in a relationship. I know I commented specifically about that before, but I'll say it again - a relationship without trust is one that isn't worth having, it usually takes more than it gives, and it's just a waste of resources.
As you said, the past is not real - well, it is, but it isn't. Things did happen, and it's clear that this is the case. However, I don't think the problem in such jealousy is actually the past - it's insecurity.
From what I've been able to gather over the years, people who are extremely jealous and disturbed by their partners' previous relationships are insecure people, and they will never feel secure unless they take care of themselves. That kind of people is usually the type that gets jealous if their significant other smiles at someone in the street, completely innocently. That's a shame, because I've seen many potentially-great relationships get wrecked over this.
ברגע שלאחד הצדדים יש כבר יותר "עשיר" של בני זוג, הצד השני תמיד ירגיש קצת חוסר בטחון וקנאה
לא תמיד.
זהו בדיוק העניין.
ברגע שמישהו מרגיש בטחון עצמי, אוהב את עצמו, מעוגן ביקום ולא בבן/בת הזוג, אז אין קנאה בכלל!
כשזה לא ככה, גם אקס אחד יעורר קנאה עזה
Various efforts that we can do to build the integrity of love. All need effort and process. Especially for those who have a couple whose past dark. Because not all couples can maintain love after knowing the past is not as light as his partner.
For example, a palace building that requires a defensive fortress to remain firmly standing. Similarly, love requires mutual understanding to complement each other for the perfection of love.
Indeed.
If we want to grow we must face those dark sides and our partners are gifting us with their past issues.
This is very hurt touching for everyone. that is not a simple issue. life partner means she ia my life. when my life going other persons, its not tolarable for me. its not possible to any one.
i love my girl friend so much. if i know, she kisses someone & also she do sex with other person, then i can't tolarate this situation. you know still i can't think about this issue. I don't know how Ethan continue this relation but you will be give him a good advice. its very well said @nomad-magus. you are the advice factory. keep it up. respact you.
Take note, Ethan was asking about memories from his girlfriend's past.
I also faced this problem...In my little experience...i think, rSome pain has no relief,it can only be sealed. You can grasp the wound to feel the scar unhealed. @nomad-magus
Anger and jealousy can no more bear to lose sight of their objects than love.
Sure, everyonecan get a little bit jealous. The good part about jealousy is that it comes from passion. It's also the dangerous part and it's an ugly emotion that hurts. So you don't mind her past relationships, you know everyone has a past. All you have to do is to leave the past in the past.
Yes, right. humans not only have flesh and bones, but humans have heart and soul. If hurt meat, may be easy to recover. But if his soul is destroyed, this is hard to cure. when a woman tells her dark past, then listen. Because with her story, will reduce the burden he faces. he's the present and the future, then do not look at him from his past. maybe this is an opinion that I can add. I wait for the next post.
Indeed.
I will add that one's soul can never be destroyed.
Yes, others are just cause reasons. he is instrumental in destroying or repairing.
It's not unusual. It is normal. Marriage relationship can not be that two people will be bonded because of relations. Everyone can have personal needs. Now if my husband is not happy with me, will he not enjoy his youth?
And it's about the past. There may be physical relations. I can not have it. If a person has made a mistake in the past then why is it affected now? It's not right in my opinion.
Forgetting the past, the current should be injected.
Your advice was too good. i think you should br make a great adviser! carry on your advice.
..and I will say that there are no mistakes in the past. In fact, you have the power in the present to heal the past.
Thanks for your feedback👍
I want to say that it's really an post which can help some people if they understand it's deep essence means, everyone have feelings and sometimes feelings push us one step ahead and then we try to move in other relationships, the first positive step is to talk about your past relationships because if you will not do that and then if your partner knows that from outside then that relationship possibly become ugly so an proper past communication is really important because then you can enter into new relationships with positivity. And yes if you are in an relationship only for physical aspects then definitely your relationship going to ruin because to extend an relationship we need the spiritual understanding because spirituality can build your connection. And at last i want to say that, in my opinion Pornography will not help you in anyway instead your thoughts will get into an ugly world, sexual relationships are pure when they connected with each others souls. Thanks for sharing this post with us and wishing you an great day. Stay blessed. 🙂
I can understand this feeling, bc my ex was my first bf and he had so many other gf before. You just need to understand that the present is importent, and not the past. Thank you @nomad-magus
against a girl or a Boy here I do not understand
Relevant for both, of course
Cover up each other's deficiencies, in order to maintain the trust relationship be perfect
According to I think the relationship problem that makes the pressure in a relationship is a man and a woman meet at the first introduction and before they really know each other many interesting and beautiful experiences and many things make the relationship
close, still in the end they find something they do not like and this causes a stressful and bad relationship in a relationship that can not be forgotten, suddenly also ends the relationship, and I will analyze about the post you created and I love the relationship because that relationship is our life.
beautiful post
The appearance of the egg has become very beautiful, and eggs are so much energy consuming,
Egg look was fun but it was fun
The post was a lot of fun, funny eggs
Trust is just natural cant be forced but yea love is something eternal, Soul yearns for it, when in true love,all flaws are seen as treasure
I always say that love is a spiritual fact. It will must make you change but good change or bad change are not fix.
understand each other and understand is the key to be able to trust your partner, let him walk as he wants and see it from caught if if he is wrong then stop him for a moment.
Drugs...
I have this answer for every problem.... I am sorry Nomad :p
Ah, you should have said you are a M.D !