Fights are inevitable in any relationship. It's a healthy way to release some of the tension accumulated and an opportunity to discuss important aspects that maybe can't be expressed otherwise. But fights can degenerate into vicious attacks that can cut deeper than the "I'm sorry" after can heal.
I am ambivalent about having fights exactly for these reasons, I find them necessary and I must confess something weird, I do enjoy a good fight. What really kills me, is a dirty fight.
For me, a relationship is first and foremost about mutual respect and trust. Because when you start any kind of relationships, you give that person power over you. There's a saying that getting into a relationship is like giving someone a loaded gun and trust they won't shoot you. Every little thing you do together, everything the other person learns about you, everything you reveal is a potential bullet you trust they won't use.
This applies even if your relationship is a thing of past, the respect and trust still exists based on your shared history. That's just how I see it.
But some people don't respect this rule. Some pool shoot to kill in a fight and apologize later. "I was angry, I don't know why I said that" is a lousy excuse, true as it might be. Every time you use your privileged information, you lose a bit of privilege. In time, you can lose everything.
But even if we respect the rules, attacks are inevitable. It's very easy to be hurt and enter a fight-flight response, which usually lead to attacking back. Things can get an ugly turn. One word that does this for me is "always".
You always do that me! You always say that
This is really a bad word to use in a fight because nobody does anything "always".We're not machines.
Also applies for "never".
You never keep your promises! You never take me out!
Well, if I'm SO BAD, why don't you find someone else?! <--- a natural response. a very dangerous one too.
So it helps a lot to keep in mind that the fight is not about everything the relationship is but just a tiny part of it that might need work at the moment. I know how hard it is though to keep a clear head and somehow remember in the middle of a fight.
Yet, I got lucky to find a great quote and you got lucky to read this! I will share it with you:
When you fight with your wife, remember: You are both on the same side
I have no clue who said it [ maybe zig ziglar?] but it applies in so many instances. Almost any kind of fight can be improved if you remember this. With your girlfriend, boyfriend, friend, parent even co-worker.
It pays to try to be mindful, where one could lose his mind for we can all stand to be a little kinder, even when we're at our worst. And if that's not possible...be silent.
Well written! I will remember the "You are both on the same side" :)
Nice read. I really like the gun/bullet reference. I've never heard that before.
fights are inevitable in any relationship...
Fights are due to built up tension as you say, but prophylactic communication prevents the buildup. Talking about issues as they come up and dealing with them one at a time prevents the "always" and "never" fights, and reduces the chance for a blowup since the argument will be about an isolated incident each time.