Who says that to their husband?? I did...earlier today.
You see we are weird. The word "weird" is often thrown out as a judgement, like being different is bad or wrong. But like I always tell my kids, the real meaning of the word weird is just unusual, foreign, or different than what you are accustomed to. And so yes, our relationship is definitely different than what most people in marriages are accustomed to.
You see we recently have had a lovely young woman, Johannie, move in to our home. Although she is much younger than @sean-king or me, she has become a good friend of ours through our common interest in healthy living and yoga. Her Life circumstances were such that she needed a place to live, and ours were such that we happened to have unused space in our home and needed help with running the household and the yoga studio. So it's a perfect match of friendship and needs met.
(Johannie and me enjoying sunset from my in-law's boat)
While we know that in time she will make new friends in our town, she has moved here from another city knowing no one but us. Some days she gets lonely and you can tell she just needs a hug. That's why I asked my husband to go and give her some love. To go and "hug on the hottie in the basement."
I have zero concerns about this arrangement or him hugging on her.
You see Sean and I have absolutely no worries about indiscretion between us. We have unconditional trust in one another's honesty and openness. I know with all of my being that He would not be with another woman and hide it, and he knows and expects the very same from me.
We have fostered this honest and open approach to our relationship for over 30 years. I know we are unique. In fact what's really weird to me is how dishonesty and sneaking around is considered much more normal.
I've had a few male friends over the years who have hit in me--asked me to go out to dinner, drinks, take a day and drive through the mountains...whatever. To check their honesty, I told them that I thought that might be nice, but that I don't sneak around and that my husband would be fully aware of where I was and who I was with. That weirded them out so badly that they decided they weren't up for that after all!
Wtf? Why is being open and honest so unusual?
Why are we so attached to being the only one our significant other is allowed to have feelings for? Why do we need that to feel validated? Why are so many people threatened by their partner even looking at the image of another attractive person online?
Why do we tell our children that we love each of them with all of our hearts, and that our love for their siblings does not diminish our love for them at all. And yet we act as if that approach to love can only apply to loving them, but can't possibly work with adult relationships?
(all photo credits in this post go to @sean-king)
I say "we" above because I too used to feel that way. Early in my relationship with Sean I was very threatened if I saw him look at another girl. I was really unsure of myself and was afraid that by looking around he would find better and leave me! At this stage I needed his undivided love and attention to feel validated as lovable, attractive, and secure. And, I expressed this to him! That's really the difference...we have long had a no-hiding policy.
Sean deserves the credit for this policy and its results. In our relationship, and hell just in life, he has always refused to deny the truth or avoid conflict just for comfort. So through the years every fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, desire, etc between us has not been repressed, but has been expressed, talked through...sometimes ad nauseum, and eventually resolved. The roots of such feelings have been dug out and exposed so that we can live life going forward with honesty and clarity.
“Love happens only when you are mature. You become capable of loving only when you are a grown-up. When you know that love is not a need but an overflow—“being-love” or “gift-love”—then you give without any conditions.”
Excerpt From: Osho. “Maturity"
I don't love this man because he fills in what is missing in me. I don't hold on to him in an attached way to be sure I continue to be fed that which I lack on my own. We are each free to be with whomever we want, and yet we always always choose each other. My love for him overflows from my insides and makes me want to GIVE every part of myself to him. I don't do this consciously to gain anything back. But because he too is a mature adult who has worked through his shit and has clarity of vision in who he is, he overflows his love back to me and these two overflows coming together synergistically feed one another into higher and higher vibrations of love, adoration, and trust.
(oops...except for this one. I get photo credit here. ;p)
So yes, I'm completely comfortable with Sean giving some much needed love "to the hottie in the basement." There is plenty of love to go around and the more you give anything the more you get back. So, go give some love today.
Just read it! It was great reading through this! Not many people can be honest about their feelings let alone say it out to the world. It's great to know there are more people in the world who think like this! :)
Thanks @firepower. It took a lot of work to clear out insecurities, resentments, and fears. But the quality of life results are amazing. Moments of ananda...🤗
That's great! Moments of Ananda indeed! :)
Women tend to be extremely "protective" of their man in relation to other women... what you describe is highly unusual yet so human in nature. To see someone needing a hug and giving it, without getting in weird misunderstandings.
Yes, most women do tend to be more protective...and i know we are unusual, but we are really crazy happy this way.
They are jealous because they know how they would do in that situation to get the man. I asked a few girls that i know very well to explain me this behavior and what came out was that. They know that men tend to flirt with girls easily and they don't want to share their prey with others. You never know if the guy is going to leave you for the younger and sexiest model (and most likely he will if he can).
"We have unconditional trust in one another's honesty and openness."
That's what its all about in a relationship, in my opinion!
I agree! :)
Women tend to be very competitive about males. Being a male i understand this; women have traditionally been insulated or ostracized by society from important decision making roles.
Women have invented hair styles, makeup or perfumes to make themselves more attractive to others especially males for both social and reproductive reasons.
Being a guy i am happy society has moved forward enough that someone like a lady can recommend another female as a friend or associate instead of a competitive rival.
Good Karma and more power to you folks especially if all three of you can realise it is far more useful to have long term trusted friends rather than fly by night casual flings...
I personally am hoping you are smart and mature enough to make the good times last and be faithful friends...
Hugs/ :) n c u on the BC ;)
I love this about the relationship; if people can be open and honest all those in the relationship can feel safe and validated.
Think about it, if the third person can keep the primary relationship stable they can hook up with anyone they care to, whereas the two principles in the main relationship are exclusive to each other...
Women = females traditionally have been isolated and ostracized from societal roles of power and influence. Thus females have learn to be more attractive, more seductive or more glamorous to attract and hold a dominant male companion.
Females are learning they can be as useful or effective in modern society as dysfunctional males...
Society has not progressed so far that females are equal in respect as males but it has progressed that almost nay reasonable person can choose a useful female over some useless male fool...
c u on the BC :)
/hugz ;)
Fantastic post. TRUE honesty an openness is very rare. Congratulate yourselves.
thank you. it did take a lot of relationship work to get to this point, but I wouldn't want to live any other way.
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