Do I expect more from my wife than she does of me? I don't really put demands on her so I must not really expect anything!
We all have expectations of ourselves and of others. Even saying I have no expectations is an expectation. When two people decide to get #married there are hundreds of spoken and unspoken expectations. For example: the expectation of love, #companionship, safety, security, kindness, enjoyment, #intimacy, etc. This list is long and always changing. In a traditional marriage the wife expects that her husband will be her companion or partner in all matters related to the family. She expects that he will provide the resources for a home, food, clothing, education, entertainment and children if there are any. She expects that he will say kind things, connect with her often to share thoughts, feelings and emotions. She expects that he will continue to wow, impress and date her. She expects that he will connect with her in ways that no other person on earth can. Pretty much in every way, show her she is the crowned queen of his world. This list is longer and will be different for each woman.
The husband also has expectations. He expects that his wife will honor him, support him and encourage him in his pursuits to provide for the family. She will take the provided resources and use them to enhance life at home and provide a safe, warm, loving environment for him to return to at the end of his day. She will help with meals, cleaning the house, clothing the family (even him), raising children, bearing children, and being willing to play and have fun. She will encourage him when work has not been good and rejoice with him when he has successes. She will talk to him, share important information and companionship with him. She will connect with him in ways that no other person on the earth can. In all ways she will show him that he is the crowned king of her world. This list is longer and will be different for each man.
Those are the expectations. If each of us knew of every expectation and fulfilled them there would be less marriages that cannot continue; however, in too many cases either the husband or the wife was not shown and taught by their own parents what will be expected of them in marriage. In some #relationships both husband and wife were not shown how to be a husband or wife. So they start a relationship based on a shaky foundation. Unless corrected the foundation will crumble and the relationship will dissolve.
When we are unable to understand our own needs it is hard to understand our own responsibilities. This is where the emotional contracts enter in. Not understanding his own needs the husband cannot understand his wife's needs and therefore he does the next thing which is to expect her to know what he needs, when he needs it, how he needs it and all without him knowing that he needs it. The same is true for the wife. This is the danger of emotional contracts they are not shared or ratified. They are simply unknown #expectations that are doomed to fail because they are unknown. In these situations it is like working with an adult with the #communication skills of a two year old. The two year old does not have the ability to tell you what he or she wants or needs! What emotional contracts have you made that your spouse does not know about?
Emotional contracts are interesting to learn about. It really changed my perspective.
That's interesting that you brought up emotional contracts. There are not many people that I talk to that understand this concept. They do, however, find the knowledge very powerful once they understand and can see the emotional contracts they are making and those that others try to impose on them.
When I was first introduced to the concept it took quite a bit of really hard work to understand what I was doing and figure out how to stop doing it. Contracts are fine and work in many situations to the benefit of all parties involved, however, when an emotional contract is made it rarely benefits anyone!