If you’ve had a girlfriend for four days, congratulations; that means she has been planning on introducing you to her parents for about four days. You hadn’t even ordered desert on the first date before she started planning to introduce you to the people responsible for all of her emotional problems. Think of meeting the parents as a job interview, except in this case the job costs every penny you’ll ever earn, there are no vacation days, you have the boss from hell, and upper management is your future mother-in-law.
In the olden days of yore, meeting her parents was very different. In many cases, your parents introduced you to them by saying, “I’d like you to meet Bill and Susan. You are going to marry their daughter.” If you were older and well off it was you going over there and saying, “I’d like to buy your daughter.” If you lived in a castle you already knew the whole family because your future wife is your cousin. Vikings traditionally greeted their future in-laws by stabbing them, right before burning the house down and stealing their daughter. That is why teenagers hoping to court a girl are customarily shown her father’s gun collection.
Every father at one point was that pimply faced kid hoping to charm his way passed the gun-toting dad, grilling him about his intentions. Dad knows what your intentions are because he used to be you. You both know your intentions involve a stinky finger. The Papa Bear who always seems to be cleaning his rifle when Snowflake brings a boy home is protecting his princess that shits rainbows. That game changes when she turns 18. You see, the day that China doll hits puberty, it turns into a Chucky doll and spends it’s high school years screaming about how much she hates everyone in the house and crying for no reason…all the fucking time. Papa Bear wants that bitch gone and you are his golden ticket to peace and quiet. In Dad’s mind, this isn’t an interview, it’s a setup.
The mother is even worse. Momma had hopes and dreams as a young girl and wound up with a shotgun wedding at the Justice of the Peace. She is using her daughter to fix that mistake, and she doesn’t care who she hurts in the process. As long as you don’t say the word “rape” during dinner, Mom is hearing wedding bells. Snowflake has been getting groomed for Mom’s proxy fairy tale wedding since she was four years old. You can see evidence of this in their old notebooks filled with line after line of her first name written with every cute boy in school’s last name. You as a person are irrelevant. There is a blank space next to Snowflake in her wedding pictures and your only job is to fill it.
At this point, you should be running to the nearest Buddhist temple where you can live out your days reading and contemplating the nature of things, but every guy thinks his girl is the exception. If you read this and still want to walk into the lion’s den, at least you can be prepared. This is an interview. But remember, you are the one hiring. You came to dinner to see what the working conditions are like. Even the best job can turn into a living hell with toxic co-workers who undermine your authority and steal your snacks. If her parents have crazy cooking, you’d better sneak out a window. Mom made an extra plate for Snowflake to take back to your place.
Ask questions. People love talking about themselves. If you can direct the inquisition away from yourself they will get the impression you give a shit about them, while you gather valuable Intel. When they ask questions, be as vague as possible. They’ll fill in the blanks with their own hopes and dreams. You don’t have to impress too much. Dad just wants to know you can pay the rent once she moves in. Ask what the last book they read was. No matter what the answer, it will tell you if she’s going to help pay the rent once she moves in.
At some point in the evening, the father will ask you to watch a football game with him. We all experience the same emotions during a good game, but we are all a little scared of that guy running around screaming after every goal. His meltdown at an interception confirms what we are all thinking: That dude has issues. Dad wants to see if you are that guy. If so, Dad has a pretty good idea Snowflake is moving back in eventually. If HE is that guy, you have a pretty good idea Snowflake is moving back in eventually.
Bring a gift of wine. You are all going to need alcohol to get through this charade, but beer makes you look broke, and liquor makes you look like life already broke you. Plus Cabernet Sauvignon sounds fancy, and it is 13% alcohol.
Hopefully her brothers threaten to murder you. Growing up, her parents had blinders on when it came to the worst of her bullshit, but not them. If her brothers are still willing to kill for her after watching her go through puberty, then you have a keeper. If they aren’t worried about her, it’s because they know it’s going to be her hurting you. On the bright side, they will probably be the only ones who believe you when she gives you a black eye and has you arrested for domestic violence.
You’ll know you fucked up good and proper if her father puts his arm around you like a used car salesman and says, “Welcome to the family.”
I almost puked when I saw that beast in the white dress.
Just think. She's a mother now.
It makes me think of when my little sister would bring a guy home and how I felt sorry for him.. I felt sorry for his poor soul.This is great stuff @themadgoat!
My ex's daughter. When she brought a boy home I wanted to grab him and scream, "Run!"
Lol
Thank you.
Outstanding post and narrative! Thank you for sharing.
Cheers. Thanks.
You're welcome.