So once upon a time life wasn’t too peachy for me. I couldn’t go a couple hours without a drink otherwise I’d be stricken with the DTs. Anyone who knows anything about the DTs knows that it’s hell on earth.
Let me explain what it is. When you are a heavy drinker or drug user, your body is dependant on whatever you are putting into it. Without it, you start to detox. Detoxing includes the extreme shakes, vomiting, sweating, heart palpitations, dizziness, high blood pressure, anxiety, hallucinations and the list goes on.
(My 1st photo here is of me mid throwing up. It was my very last detox. My dad took the picture. He said he had a feeling that this would be my last time going through detox so he wanted to capture it. I thanked him a year later for it because I’ve gone back to look at it a handful of times.)
I didn’t give a crap what I looked like or if I brushed my hair. All I wanted to do was stay indoors at the end and drink my miserable life away.
I have a daughter who is now 15. She stayed at her dads most of the time because her school was closer to his house. I wouldn’t let my kid see me when I was a wreck. No, I wasn’t stumbling all over the place. It wasn’t like that. I drank to maintain a somewhat normal existence.
I will be 2 years sober on April 18th 2018. I cleaned up well. I’m back to living a normal life that doesn’t include alcohol. I recently got back into buying and selling luxury handbags. I realized fast that they don’t lose their value. I could buy and sell and make money. So I started looking for Louis Vuitton’s that were sold under value and I’d turn it into a profit. So that is what I do now.
My luxury obsession didn’t start after I got sober. It actually started back in 2002 after my ex boyfriend and I had won a lottery.
Yes! Now you know someone who has won a lottery! Well actually my boyfriend had purchased the ticket at the time but he shared lol
Our very first big ticket purchase was my dream car at the time. A 2002 black Trans Am Ram air with T-tops. I actually wanted the convertible but this one was in the showroom so I drove off with it instead. December 22nd 2002 is when I drove out of that showroom. I still remember the song that was playing. “Peaceful world” by John Mellencamp. That song will always hold a special place in my heart because of that day.
Now, I wasn’t always a big drinker. I’d have a glass of red wine while cooking dinner and that was it. That went on for years. I lived somewhat of an unhappy life with my boyfriend. We ended up having our daughter in February 2003. She was and still is the reason I breath. She gave life a while new meaning as many loving mothers will say about their child.
I was a great mom. I took her to the mall and showed her off. A lot of the time in matching outfits.
I think I pretended life was pretty great. I mean, it looked perfect! A young 24 year old with a perfect baby, nice cars, huge house with an indoor pool a summer home and all the toys to go along with it. How could I NOT be happy, right??
Well I found out the my boyfriend was hiding cocaine from me. He had been doing it for years. He’d also turned into this sloppy person who wouldn’t shower or brush his teeth for sometimes a couple days. Like what?! There is so much more in between but I will get to the part when I was finally sick of it and left. Well I left once. I had kicked him out of the house because he had come home from a night of partying and somehow managed to puke all over the walls, front entrance and all over the bathroom. He had eaten wings the prior night with his buddies because the vomit was the colour of Franks Red Hot. I still have pictures of that disaster somewhere in my other computer.
So I was alone for a couple weeks in that house with my daughter. I started to get anxiety attacks bad. I think the thought of being on my own scared me. I can still remember my feelings like it was yesterday. Anyways I took him back and of course I was miserable.
Fast forward to another year and that is when I finally ended up leaving for good. I couldn’t take his sloppiness and all of the loser friends he had. When I say loser I mean loser. The types that ask for favours all the time. They need money etc..
See ya later.
I ended up getting my apartment. We had and still have shared custody of our daughter. Back then I decided to keep her at the school closer to dads. We had still remained friends so I’d stat at the house sometimes to take her to school etc..
That went on for a few years until he found a girlfriend. Perfect match, let me tell you. Her and I were civil at the beginning but then she started to get way too involved in issues she should have no say in. Let’s just say she came from nothing so she was doing everything in her power not to lose her new life of not needing to go back to the food banks. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I just think she tried to secure her life as fast as she could with her son so she wouldn’t have to worry about future funds.
So this is where my drinking picks up.
I wasn’t allowed to go to the house to take my daughter to school anymore because the girlfriend had moved in out of nowhere. I had more free time on my hands. I was around 29 at the time and I started going out more. I had received my settlement from the lottery which I completely blew through in 3 years. I was back and forth to Las Vegas and Vancouver so often that I didn’t know which place to call home anymore.
I think it also picked up when I got into cocaine for a while. Yes, the drug that I was so against and one of the reasons I left my ex.
It made me feel so alive! I lost weight and I was looking good. Oh I also got breast implants after I left him. I was doing things in life that I was so scared to do while with him. I led such a sheltered life. I was too scared to get on a plane when we were together so I missed out on so many trips. For instance when I was with him, I backed out twice on the operating table to get my boobs done. So after I left, I finally went through with it.
Back to the cocaine. It allowed me to drink more. I think I just started going out more and getting more hangovers. I don’t remember my first “hair of the dog”. Once you figure out that another drink cures the sickness of a hangover then you’re done if you have an addictive personality like me. Because you don’t stop at just feeling better. You want to get buzzed again after having that drink.
I guess that is when it turned bad for me. I get asked that question A LOT. “When did it get bad for you?” I can honestly say I don’t remember a date or a month but I can remember being in Las Vegas and I woke up naked wrapped in purple towels. I felt like shit. There was a full bathtub with a bunch of purple towels in there and I had remembered that I almost fell asleep in there. The rest of the night I don’t really remember so that was my first real clear blackout. Of course I started drinking to get rid of the sickness because I wasn’t about to spend my day in bed sick in Vegas!
That was June 2009. My implants were done in April 2009. I’m just sitting here thinking of the timeline. I really think it started getting bad in June.
Boy did I party. I was fun too. If they had IG and live video back then, I’d be the top girl no word of a lie. The life I led was that of a crazy socialite (without the fame)
I am also asked if I regret any of it.
I say... no.
Anyways fast forward again. I entered my first rehab January of 2011. This guy is was seeing paid for it. It was on a beautiful island in British Columbia. Bowen island to be exact. Wow! This is just like my favourite movie 28 Days with Sandra Bullock! I didn’t even know the serenity prayer off hand when I entered. Actually I knew one line “god, grant me the serenity”. I cried like a baby because this was all so surreal to me! How does one go from living the perfect life to ending up in rehab?! People use to call me Lindsay Lohan because that wasn’t my only rehab. I ended up meeting a guy in there who I had a relationship filled with turmoil for 4+ years. Let’s just say walking in on another lady in his bed was just the beginning.
It wasn’t until after I left my very expensive first rehab (early I may add). It was a 28 day program. I left at 24. I couldn’t even wait until I got off the island. While my guy at the time took my dog for a walk to piddle, I went and grabbed a bottle of red wine. I drank most of the bottle and then he found out on the ferry. He wasn’t mad. He even tried to cover my ass when the counsellors from my rehab were on the ferry too! They were heading to their homes in Vancouver or wherever they lived. I had poured my wine in a coffee cup and he put his hand over the cup when the cousilor approached my window telling me to take care of myself and giving me the speech that I should’ve stayed etc... okay the wine was starting to hit me at that time. All I wanted to do was tell him to buzz off but i was so embarrassed. I didn’t want him to see me drink! I hadn’t even made it to the mainland! What a failure I was. I just wasn’t ready. I stayed in Vancouver for another week before I headed home to Manitoba.
I was so spontaneous that I’d always take last minute trips. Even across the border to Grand Forks or Fargo for the night. Well I did that one night with my dog. My plan was to leave the next morning. The guy I started dating from rehab had a cottage and I was going to drive home and go to the cottage with him.
Oh I forgot to mention that he thought that I had remained sober this WHOLE time! I had gone to scottsdale with him and his 2 daughters a month prior and I was sneaking booze. I was so hung over when I met them at the airport that I needed a drink so bad but I didn’t want them to smell it on me.
Anyways back to my plan of driving home and going to the cabin. I stopped in a lounge before driving back home. I was going to have ONE drink. Well these young boys came in and they were in party mode. I ended up doing tequila shots with them among many other funky shots. It was finally time for me to go before I got too hammered. In my mind I wasn’t there yet. It was an hour drive to the Canadian border. I thought I’d have a swig of my ginger Sky vodka halfway there. It wasn’t until I got to the duty free shop that it hit me. I knew I shouldn’t be driving but I had to get my ass home. I had my passport on my consol and drove up to the border. The guy says “passport please”. I couldn’t find it! I was stumbling everywhere! I slurred when I said I couldn’t find it and when he asked if I’d been drinking, I didn’t even respond. I just put my head down in shame. 6 or so guards stormed my car and put me in cuffs. My dog wasn’t allowed to stay with me while I was interrogated. I was there for HOURS until my dad got me. I’ll never forget his tone or his words before he hung up the phone “you fucking idiot”.
Well there was a flood because it was that time of year so there was a detour to the USA border. My dad ended up taking the wrong turn. Let’s just say we didn’t get home until around 2am. I believe I was pulled over at 1pm.
That is when I hit rock bottom. I was cleaned out of every last dime in my account due to the high fines and fees from this DUI. I had to sell my car to fund the rest of the fines.
My boyfriend at the time had no idea. Oh, that guy in Vancouver? Yeah I had been seeing him too on the side up until my DUI. He cut me off of everything. He had even given me a credit card that he was paying off every time that I’d rack it up. I had my own money at the time but it was always more fun spending his money. Okay okay let’s call it like it is. He was my sugar daddy. Don’t knock it until you have one lol
So it wasn’t until I went to Scottsdale again with my new boyfriend that he found out I was drinking. I was so beyond hung over but couldn’t drink because he’d smell it. I told him I ate bad food or something and that I’d be fine. Now this guy was a prominent business man in this city and 20 years my senior. He seemed to know everyone. When I got to the airport, I looked so bad. I was pale, my makeup wasn’t done. I don’t even think I could brush my hair that morning. He bumped into one of his friends at the airport who happened to be with that comedian Tom Green. I was introduced but I couldn’t even look up without feeling like I was going to yak. Well I did good until take off. That is when the bag came out. I was puking hard! The type of puking you do when you are detoxing or have a bad case of the flu. Tom Green was sitting 2 rows up to the left and he looked back at me a couple times because my yakking was just so uncontrollable. He was probably thinking of some joke to make at his next show about me.
I would’ve been okay except we had a stop in Denver. The whole landing and take off made me sicker than a sick dog.
The second flight was worse. I thought my heart was going to explode.
Okay that’s all done and we get to his condo. I said okay, I’m hung over and I need a drink. I can’t fake this anymore. He said “bring me one too” as he was sitting by the pool looking good and sober. I think he was approaching 7 months clean. I couldn’t say no.
We both ended up going downhill. Expect he went back to rehab on Bowan island for 10 days. Twice!
I went to a detox centre at some point after him. Them a sober living home. I always left those places early. Another rehab that wasn’t camp cupcake. It was a place where jailbirds attend instead of going to jail. How is it I go from a $30,000 rehab to one where people broker than broke go? I packed bathing suites thinking it was like my last one. I looked around as I entered and I knew my boyfriend and others set me up just to get my ass here.
It did however turn out to be a fun rehab. I made friend with everyone. Even the jailbirds. I had a nickname in there Malibu Barbie lol
I spend my 34th birthday in there. My ex would show up in his fancy Cadillac’s and drop stuff off quite often so people just thought I was the queen in there. I must say it was pretty nice but it didn’t make me exempt from all of the chores we had! Like what?! In my other place we had a pool and massage therapist and all of that good stuff! Here we had hard work! Anyways, I made it 38 days. It was nice getting my 30 days in there. But I left.
2 months later I went to the sister rehab an hour away. It was an all girls one this time. I lasted 8 days. The place was haunted and I had my first ghost experience so it scared the shit out of me. Needless to say, I drank as soon as I got home.
It only got worse from there because I started seeing another guy from my previous rehab (what’s with me meeting guys in rehab you ask) lol
Anyways he wasn’t like the others. He was broke. I mean, he had his own place and car etc.. but he wasn’t set. I was so messed up at the point that I’d stay at his place just to get drunk. Now this was my true rock bottom. He’d always come home with a bottle for me. Some days he wouldn’t have enough so he’d steal one for me. He was into the cocaine too. It was just a disaster that I don’t even want to talk about. It was a waste of almost 2 years of my life. I was so far gone that I didn’t want anyone seeing me in my state. I was so drunk all the time that I ended up breaking both ankles a year apart from each other. Plus a bad sprain not too long after the last break.
I’d always see my daughter though. I’d head home to mom and dads house. They were always in the picture but they just kinda sat back and watched me go downhill because I didn’t want to hear what they had to say to me.
I woke up one day and I knew I had to quit or die. After so many attempts to quit on my own I’d always fail and I honestly thought this time was going to be no different. I got my Valiums and I prepared to detox. The Valiums prevent you from having a seizure. Now this was a bad detox. One of the worst. I was sick for about 7 days. Around my 5th day I had a dream. A blind lady came to me and she held my hands as she sit above me. She said “everything is going to be okay”. I couldn’t speak for some reason. I nodded my head yes and whispered okay to her. She almost looked angelic. Then she stuck around for too long and she turned into a ghost. It scared me so much that I was yelling. It woke my dad up and he came into my room and asked if I was okay. That was around 3:45am.
I think whoever that lady was has a part in my sobriety. I think of her often. It was so very real. I believed her and her words. To this day I sometimes say to myself “everything is going to be okay”.
There is so much more in between like why did I start the heavy drinking? I think it could’ve been all of the bullying in my younger years. I was a chunky kid. I also developed an eating disorder at 15 because of it. Yes it is still active but it’s controlled.
People would always tell me that I should write a book. Or that my life would be a box office hit if someone made a movie of it.
I guess it’s the whole riches to rags story that people seem to love.
I’ve hit rock bottom in my past. I’m not exactly where I want to be in life but I am still working towards it. My life is so much better than it was a short 2 years ago. Everyone always uses the term “if I can do it, anyone can”.
I was one of those people who gave up on myself because I saw no way out. My thoughts were so negative and I didn’t see life getting any better no matter what. I am telling anyone who is struggling that they can get out of it. It just happened for me. After years of trying to quit, something just struck me. Maybe I was sick of being sick and tired. But honestly, if I can do it. Anyone can.
I now have empathy for anyone suffering with an addiction. I understand how it grips you and it grips you hard until it has got you. There is hope. There’s always hope. As long as you are breathing, there will always be hope.
Ps
I haven’t had a chance to edit yet so excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes 😊❤️
Touched by your experience.
Thanks for sharing this.
I won't give any advice for the next steps as I never lived what you lived. I just wish you the best of what can give you each day to come.
One thing I can see from where I'm sitting, from a naive creative point of view : your experience could build both strong character and story if you transferred them in a fictive narration...
I don't know if you're the creative kind, but if yes, have you thought about writing ? :)
Hello!
Thank you so much for the compliment and kind words. That means a lot to me!
I believe that I am somewhat creative and writing is something I’ve thought about doing. I just never knew how to go about it.
I’ve journaled on/off but never stuck with it daily. This site is pretty interesting to me because random people can actually read my posts.
If you have any ideas on what I should do, I’m all ears.
XOXO
I wouldn't be the best advisor at writing, but I guess that building two opposite characters, one being all that you don't want to be anymore and the other one being who you aim to become.
You tie both together and put them in situations they'd have to get out, each with his own mindset.
On one side you have the experience to describe that "former you", which could be a good way to see yourself from a distance, and on the other side, that unkown "future you" who would be hard to describe, but I think would also be a constructive experience.
Even if you don't like what you write, those fictive characters could help you find the words designing what to leave and where to go, and could build some intersting story if you let your imagination go wild :D
Very interesting and thanks for the advice. Sounds like it could almost be fun to write when you put it that way😊
You're welcome :)
Even dramatic experience can be seen afterward with a bit of humour, as long as it doesn't lead to self-punishment or excessive self-mockery.
That "future you" has to find the nice way to go despite the "former one" trying to divert and slow her down... A bit like these scenes in movies with two opposite-minded prisoners tied together and trying to escape from jail :)