There was a shed at the end of a street that wasn't shown on any maps. The door was made of rusty sheet metal and opened with a horrible noise. The floor had old stains from oil or beer or who knows what, and for some reason, it always smelled slightly damp. Evan, Laura, and Diego would get together there to rehearse, although in reality, sometimes it seemed more like an excuse to see each other and talk about their things than a serious rehearsal. Evan had been playing drums for a few years, but lately everything sounded strange. As if his hands were slow or his head was somewhere else. You could tell something was on his mind, because whenever he arrived, he didn't even say hello; he'd just sit down and start playing whatever, without waiting for the others to settle in.
Is something wrong? Laura asked him once, while untangling the amplifier cables. "No, nothing. Just tired," Evan replied without looking up. Laura didn't insist. She knew that sometimes it was better to let someone talk whenever they wanted, if they wanted at all. That day wasn't much different from the previous ones. Diego tried out some chords on his guitar that no one liked, Laura played a bass line that she repeated twenty times because it didn't fit with what Evan was doing, and he... well, he was halfheartedly banging the cymbals. As if he was just there to pass the time.
"Are we boring you?" Diego said, half joking, half serious. "No. It's just... I don't know. I feel bad about what I'm playing. It's like everything is forced. And since when did we play well enough to demand that of you?" Laura said, smiling, but with a tone that wasn't just joking. Diego crossed his arms and stared at him. "That happens to me sometimes. I record myself and when I listen to it I think: 'Is this what I had in mind?' And I feel like putting down the guitar. But then I remember that I started this because it made me feel good, even if it was horrible. Something similar must be happening to you, right?" Evan fell silent. There was something about all of this that he didn't know how to explain. It was a mix of fear, self-doubt, and not being sure if he really liked playing or if he just did it because he'd always done it. Sometimes he felt like if he left the band, it would be okay. That he could be easily replaced.
The thing is, I don't know if this makes sense anymore. I try hard, I rehearse, I get frustrated, I come back. And I don't know why. And you think we do know why? Laura said, raising an eyebrow. "It's playing. It's the only thing we know how to do to keep the day from falling apart." There was a long silence. Not awkward, but the kind that makes you wonder if you should say something or let the other person say it first. No one broke it. After the rehearsal, they went to get something to drink at a kiosk that had some tables on the sidewalk. The neighborhood wasn't much, but at that hour it was cool and not many cars were passing by.
“Maybe I should go to therapy,” Evan said, staring at the rim of his glass. “I went,” Diego said. “For a few months. At first, I struggled to speak. But then I realized that saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with me” is also valid. No one knows for sure.” Laura nodded. She didn’t say anything, but she stayed there, with them, and that was enough. In the days that followed, Evan continued to go to rehearsals. He didn’t improve overnight. Some days he played horribly, other days so-so. Sometimes he stayed silent the whole time, and other times he started talking about things that had nothing to do with the band. But something changed. It no longer seemed like he was there out of obligation, but because he wanted to be, even if he didn’t know why.
One night they played in a bar where more family members than audience members attended. Diego was off-key twice. Laura forgot part of the new song. Evan messed up an opening. But they all looked at each other, laughed, and continued. No one applauded much, but a woman at the back table said she liked the energy. They didn't know if it was true or if she was just saying it out of obligation, but it still felt good.
After the show, sitting on the sidewalk with the instrument cases at their feet, Evan said, "I had a good time today, and you know, that was enough."
Credits: The images used are free to use and royalty free. They were taken from pixabay.