Do you want to break up with a girl, but keep your options open and at the same time, limit her pain as much as possible? If so read the below method!
If you don’t care about her, or lack empathy ignore all this and do whatever the hell you feel like, because to be fair that is what you will do anyway. This is also more female centric, as I have never broken up with a guy, I have 0 experience in that.
First, there was the phrase: ’Its not you, its me’ but this has become such a see through comment that people know its just something people say to be nice, so here is another method you could use, that could achieve the same goals. Niceness is one reason; because of, you know, that thing called empathy.
For some people, they are born with this feeling, others may have gone through breaking up a couple times and realize they don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings. However, you also have sociopaths (or just people who don’t get emotionally attached) out there, who are unaffected by others emotionally. They just want to keep their options open for a potential re-kindling for a lack of a better word.
So if that’s you, keep reading…
Step 1: Start early, once you get to the stage you want to break up, do nothing. Sleep on it for a week, if you still feel the same, take this week (I would personally advise a week for every 6 months) and remember, all the times you learnt that ‘the grass wasn’t always greener on the other side’. If your desires don’t change move to step 2.
Step 2: List everything you can remember that this lady ever said was a deal breaker or something that was integral to her as a person, all ladies are different, but some examples from my past:
‘I want to have kids’
‘I require strict monogomy’
‘I don’t want to live in London’
‘I can’t be with someone who is not a feminist’
‘I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want to travel’
‘I want to live alone, not with any parents.’
Now pick 1 that she has actually explicitly said is the most fundamental to her in a partner or relationship, not the one you think is, or have logically deduced to be from her behaviour or actions.
Step 3: Almost like a passing comment, mention it, just to re-engage the idea in her head, get her to state that it’s a fundamental issue to her. Usually just bringing it up will do this. Using someone else as an example or saying someone brought it up at work is a pragmatic way to do this. If she doesn’t bite, do not continue the thread.
If, when you bring up the concept, she doesn’t engage and tell you her views, you haven’t picked something that is super fundamental to her, at this point:
Novices, the most you can or should say is: ‘I remember you saying you couldn’t be with someone who… (whatever the thing was)’ and hope she engages, but now no matter her response, drop it.
For the more subtle and suave out there (I never did this, I know where my limitations are) drop it and restart step 2 from the beginning.
Step 4: Now, you can start to act like something is up, to be fair, prior to this, she has probably already asked you ‘what is wrong?’ Always answer nothing, and act like she is losing the plot/paranoid until this exact moment.
(Remember to look ‘upset/concerned’ if you are the sociopath type)
‘I don’t know how to say this, so I am just going to come out with it (this sets her up for it), you know how you were saying (whatever the thing is). I have been thinking and I don’t think I can/or am (insert the thing). Now shut up. She may ask what that means for you both, or she may already know. If she knows, just follow the conversation naturally. If she asks you, tell her you don’t know (because you haven’t thought about it, you just know what it is – this may seem alien to you but remind yourself by clicking link to female logic).
Just repeat the same concept as an example of the future. So lets say its:
‘I can’t be with some who is not a feminist’
You would say something along the lines of (just keep it short, you don’t want to have a debate or try to convince her your view is correct, you want her at the end thinking she is right and that thing is still a fundamental deal breaker): ‘ I just believe women and men have different requirements in life and I know that in the future we would have issues in terms of many things, like how we (insert other things you know are important to her, kids or career etc., this is why step 2 is important).
(If you 1 million percent know its over and want it to be forever say…)
I just don’t know what to do now…’ (Ain’t nobody want to be with a man child who cant figure what he wants.)
Hopefully she does and breaks up.
If not repeat this one more time, just say it in different words.
If her self respect or values are more important to her than being with you, this should be a done deal and you can move onto Step 5. If not, and she rationalises for whatever reason its ok, this happens more than you would think, at this point, you have to tell her you cant let her do this to herself. Its not fair, and that you are doing it for her, she wont be happy, as you care about her happiness it wouldn’t be fair to her. Now break up with her if she hasn’t done it.
Step 5: End the break up by adding a positive thing about her, why you like her, this should be easy, just state things u like about her, say it’s a pity it has come to this, you wish you could change, but its who you are, you are just not destined to be with each other. Add some elements about destiny if you think it will make her feel good about herself.
Step 6: Ignore her for at least a month; unless she has a genuine reason she needs to talk to you, like I don’t know kids maybe…
Step 7: If you just wanted to end things nicely, this has been done as best as could be done, as sad as it may be for her (and you), she may have ended things, or at least felt it had to be done. Move on with your life.
Step 7b: If you still want her in your life, reconnect slowly after a month, if she loves you; wait longer, until you know she doesn’t anymore. (Her being with someone else is not a sign of this; you will have to gauge this yourself) Once she is over you, a few texts and hang out and see what happens, but whatever you do, try to ensure she doesn’t get too emotionally into you. Then leave it, until you want to take things in whichever direction you both want.
If you want to date her, like long term, you are an idiot, who didn’t spend long enough on step 1. Now let her convince you of how you were wrong, make this a drawn out process, whereby in the end you see that she is right and you are wrong. Say something like:
‘Oh you have helped me see it from a different perspective, I feel like such an idiot, I wish we had this chat (insert the amount of months/years ago you broke up). I was such an idiot; I can’t believe I ruined this for no reason.
If she says its not too late, kiss her, then talk after.
If she says nothing, or agrees with you, shut up about it, don’t mention it ever again. Go on and re-kindle your romance, she will bring up how you were stupid from time to time. There a few methods of dealing with this. My personal favourite, smile and kiss her, move the conversation to something else. Repeat as often as required. (My wife just laughed reading this and said you do this to me all the time. I smiled, said it works though and kissed her, it worked again, or maybe she was doing something to me that I keep falling for… hummm)
Tana, if you do this, you have broken up with someone you care about as nicely as possible, without shutting the door to them completely.
I have found the reasons this worked was based on some basic psychology. People like to remain consistent, you will notice this because its very hard to change your mind once you have made yours up, especially the more entrenched you are in your view: Think back to when you have ever had this kind of notion about something you really cared about (Oh you have helped me see it from a different perspective) before and I think its probably never. (If its not you are awesome, and/or a scientist).
I do not understand why anyone would want to break up with his girlfriend but "keep options open" In my opinion breaking reltionships is too harmful no matter the masures taken to minimise pain. I would only break up in case the relationship cannot be fixed and I think I would be better alone.
Thats because you are 'normal' and have a sense of empathy, some people think its a game. Also regret can play a factor, what you think is a good idea today, you realise tomorrow it was a bad one.
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