OK so I just wanna say a few things before I go into how it happened, even though some of these might dis-credit me:
- I was 23
- While I haven't been diagnosed and I can't get diagnosed (will explain in post), me friends and some people online think I might suffer from mild bipolar and schizophrenia (Ik this isn't too credible but I mean I guess I should point that out). I probably don't have a mental illness though, If I really think about it.
- Due to how my parents raised me, I am extremely mentally weak, and while I can take a few comments from randoms on the Internet, I can't really take much shit from people I know without being significantly hurt emotionally
Also I dont want you to feel sorry for me. If anything, I want you to learn from my pathetic attempt at explaining why my life is bad. Also, this will probably seem like I am overexagerating, but that is probably just because it is the most traumatic thing I have had to experience, and since I was so used to being fine emotionally all the time I found being sad for long times extremely foreign.
OK, so about midway through last year I started to go on Instagram and meet new people and talk with them. Usually I would only talk to people for a while and then never talk to them again, but this soon changed when I watched leafy is here. Now I know, I know he is absolute shit, but to me at the time he was extremely funny, and because he acted so over the top sometimes kinda amused me. After I became a leafy fan, I turned my Instagram page into a leafy fan account, and since he was extremely popular at the time lots of people found my profile.
I soon started talking to a few people called Nick, Gabby and Kodie. Unlike in the past, I talked to these people like every day and I liked it all the time. They made me feel good about myself, as I disliked many of the people I was "friends" with at school and they were so much alike me.
Now, fast forward a while and me and Gabby start dating. We really liked each other and we talked all the time. We talked about anything and everything and trusted each other with out lives. That was until Gabby started sending screen shots of mine and her conversations to other people. People started to make fun of me and shit like that, so I asked gabby to stop. She stopped for a while, but started doing it again, and I was getting even more harassment.
I decided I had had enough and dumped her. This was pretty much mistake number 1, as she was one of my best friends before we were dating and now I had nobody to talk to. Soon after I dumped her, what was essentially a war between me and her friends, with her friends just lobbing a shit tonne of insults at me, occurred. Despite how pathetic this sounds, I started to get really bogged down with all of this shit and it made me realize what a mistake I made.
Then, I started to loose interest in almost anything I could find. Video game, sports, etc. But worse of all, I stopped liking leafy. As good as this probably was in the long run, he was who I watched when I felt down about shit, and it usually cheered me up. But now I had no idea what to do. I was so used to just doing something and my pains just washing away, but no matter what it just wouldn't fucking stop.
Then, a rival at my University got the guidance staff to phone my parents, claiming I smashed their phone. I never done that, but despite whatever I said, it didn't stop my parents taking my phone away from me, leaving me without the ability to contact my online friends, who I surprisingly trusted more than anyone I know in real life. Due to these events, I started to become more and more antisocial at University to try and avoid anything like this happening to me again, but that just made things worse as somebody talked to a teacher about how I was seeming extremely depressed.
This made me have to go to guidance at every interval, which in turn made me lose my ability to talk to my irl friends. This was essentially it for me, so I started being more and more reclusive yet again, and I my effort in class plummeted. I started getting into arguments with my parents almost every day, and I started self harming. I am just lucky nobody found out about it when I was still doing it, as that would have made things worse.
I soon got my phone back, and started talking to Nick, Kodie and Gabby again (gabby apparently still had feelings for me, although I think that was just her trying to get something out of me). Even though I got to talk to my best friends again, I was still largely mentally broken due to all this, and I could barely last any longer before hating myself more and more.
Then I realized a literal day after, I was really happy. I didn't feel anything but being happy. This soon became a weird point during my life, as it would keep happening for about a day after being extremely depressed for 3 or 4(This started the cycle that leads me to thinking I may have bipolar). Also, about this time, I started hearing people calling my name In my ears, leading me to thinking I may be schizophrenic.
And now I am where I at today pretty much. I now have a new girlfriend, but not much has changed and my life is still almost unbearable.
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