This isn’t a program meant to run — it’s a story written in code.
| A disclaimer before the show |
|---|
| You don’t need to be a coder to read between the lines. Just watch for the loneliness. This isn’t a satire that makes you laugh. It’s a script that runs through the motions of adolescence, and still returns None. We call it rebellion. They call it problematic. No one calls it loneliness. But that’s what it is. |
Inspired by the Netflix series Adolescence, the Beatles’ Eleanor Rigby, and the behaviour of boys pushing social limits in a world that doesn’t understand them, this piece is a poetic sketch of what happens when humour becomes a cry for attention… and society responds with panic.
# all_the_edgy_children.py
# A program that doesn't run — like most lives it describes.
class EdgyTeenager:
def __init__(self, name, environment):
self.name = name
self.age = 12
self.environment = environment
self.voice = None
self.mask = "humour"
self.taboo_resistance = 0.9 # rebellion factor
self.empathy_level = 0.3 # growing... slowly
self.needs_attention = True
self.belief_system = None
def grow(self):
while self.age <= 15:
print(f"Year {self.age}: {self.name} tries to be heard...")
self.tell_joke()
self.age += 1
def tell_joke(self):
if self.needs_attention and self.taboo_resistance > 0.5:
self.voice = self.choose_voice()
self.shock_peers()
self.alert_authorities()
print(f"...but adults only heard: {self.voice}")
else:
self.voice = "irrelevant meme"
print(f"{self.name} fades into background noise.")
def choose_voice(self):
return "racial_humour" # forbidden, therefore powerful
def shock_peers(self):
self.peer_reaction = "laughter_or_disgust"
def alert_authorities(self):
self.environment.trigger_reaction("panic", self)
def search_for_belonging(self):
# All the lonely children... where do they belong?
return self.environment.offer("meaning", tolerance=0)
class Society:
def __init__(self):
self.political_climate = "fragile"
self.punishment_mode = "zero_tolerance"
self.adult_reaction = "moral_outcry"
def trigger_reaction(self, reaction, person):
if reaction == "panic":
self.punish(person)
self.issue_statement(person)
def punish(self, person):
print(f"{person.name} was expelled for 'problematic behaviour'.")
def issue_statement(self, person):
print(f"Headline: ‘Hate Speech in Our Schools: The Alarming Case of {person.name}’")
def offer(self, concept, tolerance):
if concept == "meaning" and tolerance == 0:
return None # we don't do that here
# Execution begins
if __name__ == "__main__":
world = Society()
elliot = EdgyTeenager("Elliot", world)
elliot.grow()
belonging = elliot.search_for_belonging()
if belonging is None:
print(f"{elliot.name} never found meaning. But the logs were archived.")
# Notes:
# The script doesn't throw an error.
# It just ends — like a muted cry, scrolled past in a feed.
# === Patch Notes ===
# Version 2.0:
# - Replaced silent rebellion with racial humour (default: ironic)
# - Increased peer-laughter-to-adult-outrage ratio by 3x
# - Removed understanding module due to unresolved dependency: empathy >= 1.0
# - Logging now archived instead of read
# - Bug: MeaningNotFoundError still unresolved
Feel free to share what version of adolescence you encountered — or wrote patches for.
| A disclaimer at the end: |
|---|
| It’s not that the joke isn’t funny. It’s that there was never a punchline to begin with. |