I wanted to write about this long process of recovery from mental illness that has evolved through the years. Because, yes, it is a process, something that will evolve, always changing and it is something you work on for an entire life. Sometimes it is very difficult, sometimes you’ll end up hopeless, in tears, your vital energy shrinks and you believe nothing can be this hard to live. But, there is hope alongside this journey. The bright light that comes at the end of this tunnel is bright, believe me. Those who survive these types of illnesses are stronger human beings. Hope is where the heart is..
The World Health Organization ranks schizophrenia as one of the most disabling and debilitating mental illness. It’s not a surprise for me, but for most people, schizophrenia can be associated with serial killers, violence, unpredictability, murders.. and generally, a sense of fear. You can guess why: the media, film, television, political choices...
There is a great need to change the paradigm that is surrounding mental illnesses, and especially schizophrenia. Because, let’s face it, most people think they know about it when in reality, they rehash what they’ve heard or watched. And, like in most field of study, the less you know the more you think you know.. and the more you know, the more you can contemplate the richness and infinity of the vast knowledge that is offering to you. This is what scientists call the “Dunning-Kruger Effect”.
To be exact, there is no such thing as schizophrenia. There are multiple types of schizophrenics as there are multiple types of individuals. You can classify them as you would do with flowers if you are a botanist! My type of schizophrenia is called ‘schizo-affective disorder’ which is the kind of flower you won’t reveal to anyone. I’m gonna go in detail about it later but then science in this field, psychiatry, is young and I don’t want to make a list of symptoms you can find anywhere else on the web, that’s useless. The thing I’m sure is that the amount of suffering involved is something I wouldn’t have believed many years ago. As most suffering, it diminishes with time or you do with them. Your illness then becomes a part of you, not you, just something aside of you. You end up making your symptoms your allies and I’m gonna explain to you how and why it is important.
I never quite accepted this diagnosis, I think it is unacceptable and I believe I will never accept it. It is unfair. Just as the children who suffer from cancer. But at the same time, I’ve enjoyed some part of it while I was delusional. I’ve learned to step back, take a breath and listen to myself while I was and still am, trying to not identify me too much with my symptoms. So much that, they are not symptoms anymore, it is a kind of strength I developed. Making a distance from yourself, watching you think, knowing that you are a biased human being, that our thoughts and intuitions are most of the time wrong. This is key in all this. To survive it you need to step-back and look from a different perspective. If you know how to do that, you’ll live a better life. You harness it, you don’t control it though, it will still be here. It will take a lot of time, just as learning and making music takes time. While writing about all this and doing researches on why and how our mind works the way it works, I’ve tried to apply those concepts the best way I could do, at least for myself. I believe that, telling you a bit of my life stories, because there are many, can only be beneficial.
I’ve tried and still trying my best to apply to myself all that I’ve learned, to have a better life. It wasn’t the case for most of my life and it is still difficult. I used to give responsibility for my behaviors, actions and even thoughts, on other people. You can’t blame other people as they are kind of mirrors of your own self. They send back to you what you send over them. If you are angry, you’ll send over anger and you will receive more anger, making you even more angry. If you send love, you’ll receive love, making you love even more. The things that you release to the external world is very important. It was very hard, for me at least, to be able to grasp what it all means, and still is, as it is and will be a long process.
The way I see our minds is like a prism. It takes stimuli from the external world (light), filter it (the prism), and send it back resulting in all those shades and colors.
I prefer the prism analogy rather than the computer one, because we are no machine, we are not a gadget (Jarod Lanier). Computers are a very rough approximation of ourselves in the sense that, they are based on mathematical models. The finesse and granularity of that model is very important. While I believe we’ll never be able to find that perfect, tiniest form of granularity, I think being close to it is what matters in the end. We’ll refine and refine that model until it suits us. Just like the way the digital world works as an approximation of the analog world. We’ll be, at best, close to perfection, but we’ll never have the perfect model, the ultimate equation. And that’s what we should remember, because it is a statement tainted with humility. There are stages in our evolution and I believe mankind is just a step. What will come next? We have no clue, and that’s great!
To finish this first part, I wanted to point out some facts about schizophrenia as written by the World Health Organization (an organization that I will criticize later):
Schizophrenia causes psychosis and is associated with considerable disability and may affect all areas of life including personal, family, social, educational, and occupational functioning.
• Stigma, discrimination, and violation of human rights of people with schizophrenia are common.
• More than two out of three people with psychosis in the world do not receive specialist mental health care.
• A range of effective care options for people with schizophrenia exist and at least one in three people with schizophrenia will be able to fully recover.
Research has not identified one single cause of schizophrenia. It is thought that an interaction between genes and a range of environmental factors may cause schizophrenia. Psychosocial factors may also affect the onset and course of schizophrenia. Heavy use of cannabis is associated with an elevated risk of the disorder.
Good for you man, and congratulations with your amazing journey, you are a hell of a strong person! 👊
thanks a lot ! Hope your journey is great ! much love <3
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