Dear Secret - I'm in love with my step father

Dearest readers,

Welcome to our first Dear Secret letter. Please read our Intro to learn how we're here to help the Steem community by providing a platform for discussion without judgement, a safe place to confess our secrets anonymously.

As such, unsupportive comments will be flagged, this is a safe place for all.

Thank you to our first anonymous confessor.. we hope this helps you.
Much love, Ghost Writer.

Dear Secret,

In a bizarre turn of events, I've been in love with my Step-Father since he took my virginity at 21.

It's not as bad as that sounds, but it still hurts my heart every time I think about it... which is most days.

My biological father was killed when I was 6, at work... no one should have to die at work. I was young enough I think, to accept it pretty well, and my Mom is pretty cool and we've been close ever since. She truly is my best friend. I came out to her in my early teens and she was amazing. She was totally supportive, I felt completely loved and we had a really good discussion about sexual health.

She promised to love and support me no matter what.

I had the usual schoolyard and college crushes, but I really wanted to save myself for my one true love. I wanted a really hot man who was going to change my everything.

I got a very refined palate from my mother, and I absolutely love food. I got my first job at 15 for the sole purpose of having my own income so I could drive around my city and eat at high-end restaurants by myself. When my friends were munching over-buttered stale popcorn at the discount movie theatre, I was dining on scallops and foie gras at 5-star establishments. Dining out alone is, to this day, one of my greatest pleasures.

One night I was dining out at my favorite restaurant, treating myself for a really successful semester at college and the hostess leads an EXTREMELY good looking older gentleman to a table facing my direction. I'm sitting there, trying to enjoy my book, sipping on my wine, waiting for my first course... but I can not stop looking at this man. He didn't look over mid-thirties except his gorgeous silver hair suggested he might be older.

I can't even try to explain how incredibly handsome he was.

He caught me looking at him, and started staring at me which freaked me out... until he winked and raised his glass. I nearly wet myself. There are several furtive glances during dinner until I can't take it anymore, he's too hot, and I tell the waitress that I will have my dessert, coffee and a glass of brandy in the bar, which was lined with bookshelves and had a gorgeous fireplace.

10 minutes later, I am sitting by the fire sipping my coffee and HE wanders in, and approaches me.

We start chatting, we was so charming and before we knew it hours pass and last drinks are called.

I found out he was 54, he found out I was 21... but the age difference didn't seem to matter, we just clicked.

He invited me over to his place for a drink, and I graciously accept.

We get to his place--a huge house, pretty old, full of antiques and amazing stuff-- and he pours me a glass of wine. We walk into the living room and sit down on the sofa, but we only get about 3 minutes into the conversation before he takes the wine out of my hand, moves in and kisses me. I instantly melt. It was like kissing a god. He's all hands and mouth and I am losing myself and when he stands up and leads me into his bedroom I am ready.

I've been ready for this my entire life.

We took turns doing each other...it was incredible. His body was so beautiful. He told me that he had been doing yoga daily for over 20 years. It certainly showed. He had the body of a 30 year old athlete. And 10 solid inches of manhood. No one could have asked for a more perfect first time. He was passionate, attentive, playful, and incredibly virile. He was also a fantastic kisser. To this day, he is still in my top 5 greatest sexual experiences.

We established this was just a fun thing... but I really did want a lot more. I wanted all of him, heart and soul. He told me he was bisexual and truly loved women. Men were just fun for him. I was devastated and thought I could change his mind... sadly we only had a couple more encounters over the next year until I moved away for work.

I tried to contact him whenever I came back home, I thought about him always and left him a lot of messages but never got a response. It took a few years but eventually I let it go... I had various boyfriends but I still missed him.

Three years ago my Mom calls me and tells me she's been with this great guy and they're going to get married. As close as we were, neither one of us really talked about our relationships. We were both strongly career-focused and I don't know, it didn't really come up.

She sent me a photo the next day of them together and I thought it was a joke. I dug up his old number and kept ringing until he answered. He said he couldn't see me because he was getting married, but I insisted. He wasn't happy but I think the tone in my voice didn't leave much room for negotiation.

I flew back and we met at a bar... as soon as I saw him I just blurted out that his fiancé is my mother.

He's completely blind-sided... he never made the connection, our surname is very common.

We had this long conversation and decide it's best to keep it a secret from everyone. He is an incredibly nice man. He's honest and reliable. I know that he is faithful to my mother. She knows that he is bi, and she's totally down with that. He promised me that she is the woman that he is going to spend the rest of his life with, and that he will never cheat on her. I believe him, and I am glad that my mom finally has a man to share her life with again.

I've found the last 2 years so hard... I'm so close to my Mom, but I'm so attracted to her husband. I still get erections when I think about him, and can't spend time with them in anything but very public situations... which causes a strain. I know he doesn't think about me at all, the love between him and my mother is obvious to all, but he still works out. He's in his 60s now but he barely looks 40. He's an incredible man and I love him.