Depression has eaten away at me like a cancer.
My anxiety has made it impossible to look people in the eye. My relationships have all eroded or faded away. My fiancé is gone now too. 2000 miles away from my touch. A universe away from my heart. Maybe i am being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm just a child that never learned proper coping mechanisms. Whatever the reason for my current state, i am fully aware of the consequences of my actions. Point being, my behavior must change or i never will. I could die. My behavior pattern is hopelessly compulsive at best, dangerously impulsive at its worst. The drinking isn't helping.
"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"
When i was ten years old i missed the school bus one morning and walked into my mother's room to let her know i would need a ride soon.
I found her rocking my 18 year-old sister in her arms, both of them were covered in blood.
There was a quiet chaos about the scene. my big sis was bleeding to death from her trachea. She had undergone a procedure a few months prior that we hoped would extend her life. The brittle bones in her neck where failing under the weight of her head which meant her spinal chord was slowing being crushed causing her motor skills to dwindle.
As a senior in high school, she really needed them to complete her work and get her diploma. The solution was agreed upon. I watched in horror as the surgeons put her in traction so her neck could stretch for two agonizing pre-op days. A metal halo around her head, silver bolts being screwed 1/8th of an inch into her skull, a child's face twisting in pain. I still question how in God's name they allowed a 9 year-old boy to watch the process.
A portion of her femoral bone was cut out and placed in her neck to help support the weight of her head. My chest tightens and pains me every time I have to walk into a hospital. The 10 hour surgery was a success but she was left with a permanent hole in her trachea.
That December morning, one week after my tenth birthday i stumbled into the room to watch her bleed to death from that hole in her neck. My mom screaming at the live-in nurse to get me the hell out of there.
I failed a breathalyzer in 7th grade, it was a kegger at a friends' house a few blocks away from 24 hr softball tournament that ran all weekend each August. Alcohol has been apart of my life since i turned 13.
When i was 12 i was fooling around with another boy. Before i knew what was happening we were having anal sex. We took turns on each other, i was on top first but didn't fully understand what was taking place. When i was done and it was clear it was my turn to be on bottom, i didn't want to but i felt like it was only fair. I remember telling him i didnt want to catch AIDS. My 12 year-old mind still equated homosexuals with the deadly disease exclusively.. What did i know about anything? I let him do it. At least I had had the courtesy to pull out.
My parents divorced my senior year.
I left smallville kansas after a failed year at college. I woke my mother up on night at 2 am. I had filled my car with whatever i deemed worthy to make the trip for my new start in Colorado. Im leaving i told her, before its to late to ever get out of this town. That night, the same softball tournament i told you about was happening. I found out later that my best friend's mother died of lung cancer in the house where i blew a ridiculous BA content and got in trouble with the cops. She died that night i left town.
I am working on me this year.
For the most part i think I'm doing okay. Working out at the gym, keeping my passions on top of the priority list. Guitar and golf practice. Keeping important people in the loop and all that.. If only i could keep my drinking under control...
I woke up from a black out on my 20th birthday. My friend was driving my car on 2 bare rims. Someone at my birthday party had slashed my tires and the 30 minute drive from Golden to Denver had shed the rubber off the wheels completely. We went into a snow bank and didn't know what to do so we just fell aslep and waited for the police but not before we cleared out the bottle of jim beam and 20 beer cans of course.
The car was impounded and the bong in the back seat remained until i retrieved it a week later. Lucky me. I had broken my leg in a freak accident and had lost my house and my job, i spent my last $300 to bail my car out because the "friend" that was driving refused to. That Ford Tauraus was my home.
The shame and discomfort i was in was bearing down on me.
I was becoming confused about my sexuality and had turned to drugs and alcohol again. After i got my car back, i drank a gallon of Even Williams and swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It didn't work.
FLASH FORWARD
At 24 i was living in Hawaii, i had curbed so many of my demons and i was in the best shape of my life. My anxiety was still around but had subsided a great deal.
I was debt free, had a prestigious job and i met the love of my life!
I had even finally started to realize my lifelong goal of buying braces for the crooked teeth i loathed more than anything on earth. I spent every dime i had on invisalign braces. I was in love, I was a working professional and had a beautiful girl that i was so sure i would marry all while I was making my dreams come true and living in paradise. A real world fairytale and yet somehow, most of the time all i could feel was pain, desperation, and shame.
MY DEMONS RETURN
The drugs and alcohol revved up again. I was in a tailspin. One night i decided to give into my curiosity.
I snuck out while my baby was sleeping on her side of our bed. I met another man at his house and we had sex. It was disturbing to me. I was repulsed and excited all at the same time.
Basically, i had never had such a powerful orgasm.
I must have liked it enough because i met up with the guy a few times a month for the following year. Before i knew it, i was officially bi sexual. I was also cheating on my girlfriend. My mind was muddled with substance abuse, love, confusion, sadness. I decided to tell my best friend in the world and damn the repercussions.
MY BEST FRIEND HAPPENED TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND
I fibbed a little when i came out to her about it. We lived on an island after all. When she demanded to know his name i lied. I lied about the timeframe of my experiment as well. As far as she knew he had moved away to the mainland long before we got together. I just wanted to tell someone I trusted that i was bisexual. I would do anything for this woman. Including coming out but i couldn't afford to lose her. The pain of lying to her as well as the pain of my own self discovery led to an even deeper despair. I failed a second suicide test.
I have absolutely no control over my consumption or my spending habits.
The two go hand in hand. I'm playing the ultimate game of catch 22. The endless cycle of being miserable because I'm poor while spending all my money trying to cheer myself up. Just like my dad, only he was never a drunk.
4 years into our relationship we sold everything we owned so we could backpack the world. We had a tremendous time on our open ended adventure. Until one day we were arguing at an atm on a remote island in southeast asia. We got so fed up with each other we simply walked in different directions and didn't realize we had left our debit card with all our money in the machine until the following day.
Stranded and angry, we broke up in Thailand but couldn't part ways until we landed in the U.S to divide the money we had saved together and put into the one bank account. Devastated, lost, alone and nearly broke i tried to pick up the pieces but found a lot of them had gone missing. Once again, Alcohol became a daily routine. Only this time i was truly at rock bottom.
My invisalign was cut short by a year because of the traveling. After all the money and time i invested, my almost straight teeth were doomed to return to their original crooked positions. My dream was dissolving. I was Completely disconnected from my family, carrying insurmountable debt in a town i didnt want to be in, losing my best friend and failing at everything i tried really killed my spirit. I failed a third suicide attempt. I'll spare you the details.
Life got pretty nasty for me.
A living hell of bi-polar sadness and mania fueled by a new addiction: sex with strangers.
I would drink and troll through casual encounters on craigslist for hours. Many times going over the same posts and not realizing it until I responded to them and saw that i had already tried. I met up with men in sheds, in dark basements, in gigantic houses over looking the river. I met a married woman on Craigslist who told me her husband let her loose every now and then and how it was healthy for them.
When she took me back to her place she told me we had to film us fucking so her husband could watch.
I still cringe when i think of them watching the tape together. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of but I am trying not to beat myself up about them anymore. I guess if i was enjoying myself and that's how I chose to spend my time, so be it. Anything to take my mind off finances, death and my lost love.
I have had experiences i wouldn't trade for the world. I have deeply personal anecdotal evidence of manifest destiny. I learned that rock bottom is the choice time to excercise will, intent, and meditate. If you can shut your brain down during intense emotionally trying times, clarity is within reach and if you can smile through the pain and tell yourself to lighten up miracles happen.
Half the day i want to live but most of the time i fantasize about my own death.
What will it take to swing the pendulum permanently in one direction or the other? Is being a traumatized bisexual drug/alcohol addict reason enough to end life? Or is it motivation to climb out from the depths of despair to succeed at something IN life? Do i suffer from PTSD, or is it just a chemical imbalance that leads me down such dark roads..... will I ever love again?
-Secret Writer
ABOUT THE SECRET WRITER SERVICE
If you have a secret to share, send an email to: [email protected]. This email service is encrypted and 100% anonymous. Full details here: https://steemit.com/secret-writer/@stellabelle/get-revenue-anonymously-how-to-submit-a-secret-to-the-secret-writer-project
I might be a bit off to left wing here..
But I truly believe that bi-sexuals are just greedy.
You'll fuck anything basically, Man or Woman.
I can find a man or woman attractive, But I stick to women mainly due to the fact that in the past I was already promiscuous as hell. No need to add another flavor in there and double my chances of aids or whattever. -_-
That being said, Most bisexuals I know were molested as kids.
Perhaps some correlation exists between this? I'm not sure.
edit: This isn't meant as trolling. This is my honest feelings about this.
Your opinion could be spot on, you know. Steemit encourages honesty, whatever form that takes. Being critical is valued here. I like the way you're respectful and honest at the same time. That's what I strive for too. I think you may have a point. Being greedy might indeed be part of this issue. For me, the story of lying next to someone, and then going out to screw a man does seem greedy. Many people don't have love, so to squander it like that seems, well, greedy, or like a sex addiction. Addictions run together sometimes and when we hurt others and ourselves, well, it is problematic. That's where I draw the line: hurting others=addiction
The rainbow is calling - go find gold @stellabelle
i like your choice of gif. I loooooooooove good gifs.
Thanks @stellabelle appreciate the feedback ;)
It's an harsh life, and I believe there are many people living it the same way.. Sad feeling..
It's a difficult world we live in, no-one seems to have enough time to consider the feelings of others!! Great post, thank you.
That was powerfully human. We're all of us flawed somehow, somewhere but not all of us are able to keep rising. When we're that far in a hole, it's the adversity of the climb that provides us clarity and wisdom, and eventual egress. Best of luck to that secret writer, and thanks for introducing me to secret writer, I wasn't aware of it before :)
I've always seen myself as a medium between other people's stories and artwork.
I used to have more than 20 penpals as a child and I loved secretive things. When PostSecret was invented, I found myself jealous because I wanted to be the keeper of secrets. http://postsecret.com/
I've had visions for a long time about creating artwork for people as a service, but I could never quite figure out the economics of such a model. I created the Secret Writer on Medium first, and was doing it as a free service. When I found Steemit, I just switched homes, and it made me so happy that not only could i be sustained monetarily with my efforts, but i could also split the Steem Dollars 50% and give the secret writer money. This revelation was life-changing and it is like all my prayers from an atheist have been answered. I kind of like to wallow in other people's stories of pain for some reason. The images just appear without much thought, and I do feel it is my gift to the world of suffering souls. I can do all this in a detached way, without speaking. I am bad in person, but left to my own artistic devices, it works for me so well. I believe this is my true calling and job in life because it flows seamlessly without much strife.
When you can tie your empathy into art and a legitimate and profound business model like this, you're living all kinds of the dream.
Something needs to perform up to the business owner's living expenses before it can be called "sound".
yes and I'll continue doing this for a while because it fulfills me and others on so many layers. The secret writer gets to read all the responses anonymously which must feel so good.
I cannot imagine like there must feel the person who has had this life, insurance that to tell it to you has been a great liberation, and like always you have done a great work on having exposed it.
Maybe in a time you should do a book with all the histories that have given you.
Regards!
yes, maybe. I'm not sure how I'd split the revenue though.
I wouldn't feel right if I collected the royalties. But maybe I could donate the book's proceeds to some kind of fund, like here on Steemit or something......? Maybe I create a Steemit fund called "FUNDS FOR DESPERATE SOULS"?
I like the idea, sound brilliantly. There are many people needed from help, here in steemit see many persons' cases with problems which you might help. (Many of them use you as therapy, you know it better than anybody). Or even you might destine part of the benefit it to distribute to the persons who gave you the ideas. If it is a question of helping the persons there are many possibilities and they all are good.
Regards!
Or maybe you could get the authors to create Steemit accounts to receive a split. Are we seeing the first Steemit zine being born maybe??
It would be awesome to see a quarterly collection of the stories where the Steem proceeds could go to more authors more often.
Cool @stellabelle, you don't even write your own content now.
https://steemit.com/satire/@business/finger-lickin-patriarchy-7-2-reasons-why-i-was-oppressed-by-a-nap
I actually do. I write something almost every day and post something from the Secret Writer too. Editing is a job too.
Good luck to you and the rest of your life. We can never truly know ourselves until we've burned to the ground and risen from the ashes. Loved your story!
yeah, that's kind of true actually
There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, gay or otherwise. I think when you find out who you truly like to be with, your life will get better. I went through some similar stuff and it was because i was afraid of intimacy.....Not sure if you know yet what you want, but it sounds like you're excited by men more than women. You're ok with whatever you decide, but I think accepting yourself will get easier once you know what makes you truly fulfilled.
I totally agree with you in this one. But this is till an hard topic for some people who can't understand.
That's hell of a life you've had , Up's and Down's. You shouldn't be ashamed of being Bi-Sexual , i think BI people are the most considerate people on earth. i'm sorry things turned up bad for you , but life is life we all fuck up at some point & recover.
yeah, i agree with you.
This is both heartbreaking and very good writing :)
I'm looking for tips on authors who deserve more attention - and to be featured in Steemit Golden Nuggets this friday and new ones every friday after that! Comment on the post with suggestions!
I had a very busy day, but I knew before I went to bed I had to read @stellabelle post and watch the movie. Thanks to the secret writer for sharing this story. I hope you find the strength to continue through tough times and find what you are searching for. People accept honesty here and there will be others touched by your struggles to be willing to share their own. Not only have you been able to share your heart, but you can see how much others will support you and care about what you are going through while still remaining anonymous. This simply would not happen on other social media sites. And once again @stellabelle you have used pictures creatively to bring this story to life through your clever use of pictures. I would love to see how you decide on them, but I appreciate the voice you have given to those who are broken and hurting to share their deepest secrets.
so hard
Im so sad after your posts...
do the best what you think it is good ;)
Very interesting post, always. Good read. Great work!
You did a great work writing this big post! Great! My upvote!
Yes. I saw this rewarding rally - in a few minutes the post charged 755$ from 25$.
Maybe I will even understand why.
Its couse early users also named Whales, have over a million steem power. And more power votes means more dollar. A whale coul easu vote 200++ dollar
It depends on the community you live in. Some do accept such people with both hands open.
People with gender "issues"(in society's view) have a much tougher life. My teenage friend went through years of depression because of this. That's really sad. Nevertheless, an amazing post stellabelle. Thanks for sharing this :)
Always great steem post from you! Love it!
live your life the way you want,do not conform and waste your life the way the world like to see.
Thank you.
I have big problem too. I was living couple years in south africa. Most racist country ever, people hate me becouse i am white. This is fucking sick. Why we cant tolerant everybody who dont want to attack or kill us ? Only becouse i have other color of my skin? Come on.
So much pain. Thank you for sharing your experiences. There are those who may benefit from your story. For those who do benefit, you have changed them. In subtle and perhaps unseen ways, as that is the nature of individual experience. Here's to hoping that you find a path to end the pain - and live wholly in every moment.
There is no way to avoid it. But writing will help.
That was really touching but also heartbreaking. The good news is people are becoming less and less bigoted. The young generation is not only accepting of bisexuality but also many more are coming out.
The addictions only happen to fill a void. Once that is erased, they will go away.
This is not easy to share. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Hope more poeple will benefit from your story.
Thank god I read this when I woke up, not before I went to sleep.
This image can cause nightmares:
really? I thought she was cute and sparkly.
Absolutely brilliant placement for this pic in the story. Do you create each individual pic for the post, or draw from a collection you have created already?
I create the main image new each time and I draw upon my collection too. It's a mix.
Deep Story to share!
This is amazing
Take an upvote of mine! and my sincerest hope that things can stay on track for ya. I can really identify with the drug/alcohol part and it is quite tough to get yourself or friends out of a tailspin like that. Your story is riveting and I hope you find love again!
One day at a time.
really amazing post
you should keep up post like this
Thank you. You are inspiring me to write my own content. And the anonymous service you are doing is a great service to the community.
Thanks. I'm glad you're writing your own content.
Excellent selection of pictures to post.
In our country you would be killed)))
Moving!!!
Great post, Thank you
This is sad! Thanks for sharing!
Agreed, the issue of bisexuality and drug addiction seems to compound each other, I am lucky to live in a bubble of acceptance where both are accepted though other are not as lucky. It would be interesting to see if this person finds a home on steemit, which could improve their life beneficially.
