What if my greatest fear is not that I’ll fail, but that I’ll succeed? What if the sand at my feet, the friction I’m feeling, is all about the unknown about the future?
Here’s my predicament: Ever since I was in college, I have been trying to build something. The thought of working for someone has always made me nauseous. And currently, I do work for someone else. And I make a salary. And every day when I walk into work, my stomach hurts.
So at night, I work on my projects. But for years, they never went anywhere. I might make a little money here or there, but the truth is, me trying to build my own company was a ruse. It was an elaborate ruse that I want to explain to you now …
When I was in college, I met a woman. She was two years older than me. We were instantly smitten, which might have had to do with a mix of a tremendous amount of sex and the fact that I could keep up with her incredibly strong personality. She was brilliant. I was in love before the week was out.
I was so in love, we agreed to get married two years later. Looking back on it, I know I was too young to get married. But I did anyway.
And it was incredible.
We struggled because we were broke. But it was incredible. And sexy. I wasn’t just sleeping with a girl anymore, she was my wife.
And while we lay in bed, talking, we would imagine a better future for ourselves. I was going to build this great, big empire with all sorts of companies that were becoming stronger. It was going to be an amazing life. There was only one problem …
I was still in school.
I still had another year and a half to go before I would be done. So she took the reins. She paid for everything, covering our rent, food, car, etc. It was a compromise we had made because I was going to be so incredibly successful once I got out of school. I did a little freelance writing here or there, bringing in a couple hundred bucks, but my primary focus was school—and her.
When I graduated, we, again, took stock of our finances. Things were a bit better because her job had provided housing, but we were still struggling. So, like any responsible wife did, she asked me to get a job.
“Wait! Before I get a job, I think I really should try and build my own future. I can get plenty of clients. I’m a fast writer. Just let me do that,” I said.
“But it’s unpredictable. You’ve got $40,000 in student loans. I have $45,000 in student loans. It’s all too expensive,” she said.
“Baby, listen, I can do it. I know I can. I’ve already got this one guy who is paying me and now there’s this other client who wants to work with me. It’ll be good money,” I said.
She acquiesced…
And for about a month, the money was pretty nice. Nowhere near enough to cover the bills, but she was understanding of me wanting to build something. The problem was that, it was inconsistent. I could’ve made any amount of money.
Instead, I would sit in my home office and just browse the Internet. I wouldn’t really get anything done.
A few months later, after realizing that I hadn’t contributed much to our bank account, she approached me again and asked me about getting a job. And again, I told her that I needed to focus on building my company. I could tell that she was incredibly bothered by this because I didn’t really have anything to show for it, but I was convincing. Despite my incredible insecurity about talking to people, people have told me I’m incredibly charismatic.
That charisma only stopped working when I lost a big client. Realizing that money was already tight and that I had lost 75% of my paltry income, I knew I had no choice but to get a job. So I went out, got a job, started bringing home a paycheck. And my stomach started hurting because the idea of working for someone else made me nauseous.
Fast forward and our marriage is crumbling … A marriage built on great sex can’t last when the stressors of the real world get in the way. And each day that our marriage got worse, I would distance myself from my wife, focusing more and more on “building a company.”
And I had a great idea.
I was working with a world class reporter to build an independent media website. I made no money, but I owned equity. And I would continue to accrue more equity as time went on. But I was staying out late, talking with potential partners, and giving my wife very little of the time that she deserved. My business partner was doing the same thing. His marriage was starting to crumble as well. My rationale was that, as long as I focused on the project, we would succeed.
But again, I really wasn’t doing anything. Sure, I would talk, but I had been brought on to do tech work and marketing. And what did I do? I helped develop a bit of an editorial plan and traffic did double. But it should have more than doubled. It should have gone up 10x. 20x. But all I was really doing was hiding in my office, door closed, pretending to work. I wasn’t achieving anything.
Finally, after my wife learned about what my business partner was going through, and probably because she was desperate to save our marriage, she confronted me.
“You can’t keep working on [insert project name],” she said.
“What? Why? We’re doing great work!”
“It’s going to destroy [insert business partner’s name] marriage. You can’t be part of that.”
“Yeah, but my responsibility is to the business. I don’t need to worry about his marriage,” I said.
“How would you feel if someone said that about our marriage?”
So I acquiesced…
I quit the project in a rage-filled phone call, telling the guy that I couldn’t be part of it anymore, that he was the problem, and just ranted.
Five months later, the divorce papers were signed. Yup. Even after I quit the project—which I hadn’t really been working on—my wife told me she wanted a divorce and we got one.
Quick aside: There’s a part of me that believes that she cheated on me. And if she did, I deserved it. For that last year of our marriage, I was completely useless to our marriage. I wouldn’t make love with her. I was trapped in my office pretending to work. And yes, I was pretending because for hours, I would get nothing done. So if she did go outside of the marriage, I feel she was entitled.
So now I’m divorced. And I’ve got all these great plans. I am not going to be held back by my wife! I can do it. I don’t need her. And then I finally realize it …
I’m to blame for the marriage dissolving.
Sure, she might have acted wrong in some ways, but the reality is, I was ignoring my wife so that I could pretend to work. Once I realized that, I had to understand why. I had to understand why I had thrown away an incredible partnership.
I’m writing this now because I understand it.
I’m afraid of success.
I know, on the surface, that sounds really childish. “Oh, please, what’s there to be afraid of succeeding? It’s a great thing! You’ll have money, you’ll have power, you’ll have everything you want.”
But I want you to stop and think for a second. What happens if I fail in my latest project? What’s the worst that can happen? I’ll tell you …
I go back to status quo. Nothing changes. I’ve still got my full-time job. I still get a paycheck every other week. I’m paying down my student loans. Failing at something doesn’t really matter because the risks are just not there.
On the other hand, what happens if I succeed? Everything changes. People look at me different. I’ve been looking at the posts here on Steemit and the amount of envy and jealousy people have toward whales proves it. Once someone has succeeded, they’re resented.
Do I really want my friends to resent me? And what then? Do I have to pay for everything too because I’ve succeeded?
There’s more responsibility in success. If I get really successful, I suddenly have to worry about employees, health insurance, and ensuring that their livelihoods are okay. Because if I fail after succeeding, that could ruin more lives.
And then there’s all this doubt.
Why did I succeed? Was it because I was good or because I was lucky? If it’s the latter, what will people think of me? And if I have enough money, will people be my friend because of me or because of the money in my wallet?
It’s all so much easier if I am just a drone, living life by a plan, not succeeding, but not failing either.
But that requires me to work for someone. And that’s just unacceptable. I’m tired of that. I’m fatigued by the idea of being someone else’s employee, making them more successful while I get nowhere. I think I’ve hit a breaking point.
For ten years, I’ve wanted to build something. And for ten years, I had nothing truly great to show for it. That all changes now.
Three weeks ago, I incorporated my company. Three weeks ago, I signed my first client. He might want a second project done. Last Friday, I got my business bank account. This morning, I got on a call with a complete stranger and talked about how our two companies can partner to make us both gain more wealth. I emailed a dozen potential clients, too.
I’m not going to be afraid of success anymore. If I want the freedom of being my own man, working for myself, and not answering to anyone but myself, I have to embrace the unknown. I have to be willing to charge head-first into success.
That success may hurt, I could lose people over it, but it’s what is best for me.
I don’t know if I’m alone with this feeling and in my respects, I wish I had learned it sooner. If I had identified this when I was married, I could have kept my wife. She really was great. But she’s moved on, happily married again, and doing what she wants. And I’ve moved on too. I’ve got a great partner again who supports me.
And while we lay in bed, talking, we imagine a better future for ourselves.
Only this time, I know that I am being truthful to her. I know that our future is going to be so much more successful than it is today. Because I am not going to be afraid of my success. I’m good at what I do, I should be allowed to enjoy that.
Has anyone else ever had this fear of success? I don’t have an account on Steemit, but I’ll be looking at the comments. If anyone has any tips for sticking to my guns, I’d really appreciate reading them. Thanks!
-Secret Writer
The fear makes sense.. reminds me of this video:
"Playing small does not serve the world." I have a story about Marianne Williamson....
What is success for you? Why does it matter so much? Why are the stakes so high? American society idolizes extremely wealthy, very social, extroverted, entrepreneurial married people. But that's not necessarily right for you
What I sense from this is you're looking to be validated and accepted as a human being for your future successes. Because at present you're not very accepting of yourself. Maybe? I may be way off?
I've been there a lot. I even achieved absurd work/social/sexual success for my age. However it always felt so empty. So desolate. I thought the solution was more "success", but I kept feeling even worse.
The solution is trusting yourself, trusting your body, trusting your intuition - rather than looking at who you think you should be. When you need to please other people, it's very very exhausting and draining of your energy.
Personally, I'm a sensitive soul. I'm very introverted most of the time. I probably won't be a super-successful billionaire tech genius. But I've found some meaning in life through writing (about the human condition) and settling into a comfortable rural Spanish town. I've found a lot of contentment here creating art, writing, playing and having lots of time.
I don't think you have a fear of success. I suspect you don't really want success in the way you imagine/describe it I sense you've had to become a person who you're not, to survive. Pleasing parents/teachers from an early age. You weren't allowed to develop into an independent individual who trusts himself. You weren't allowed to argue and fight for what mattered to you. You couldn't win against the adult oppression.
So to survive you took on society's definition of a successful life. Except it has required all kinds of strains and stresses. Subconsciously you know success in this way (driven by external validation) is empty. But you keep striving towards it because it keeps you busy, and distracts you from the potentially devastating hurt that you haven't been allowed (by your caregivers) to exist for who you are. Instead you've had to wear a heavy, ill-fitting persona. Your whole body, being, energy and organism has been under intense strain to fit into this mould.
The solution is to get it out. Write privately. Cry. See a psychotherapist . And trust yourself. Trust your body and it's cells. You're not alone and none of the above is your fault. It's just you doing your best to survive in what was a hostile atmosphere.
A period of great transformation may follow where you may have to be frugal and make changes. You may feel terrible for some time. But eventually things will get better and you'll redevelop your internal strength and energy. Then this will lead to the success you really want.
Sorry. I don't know how much of this post will resonate with you. I may just be projecting my own thoughts/experiences onto you. Anyway, take what resonates with you from it.
This is a video you should watch
(skip to 1:16)
Nice writing @stellabelle! Check out my post about Steemit Geofilters!
I read this a couple of times trying to figure out exactly how old the author was when he got married. Because I think that this could have been titled "growing up". It sounds like a young man who had dreams but didn't yet have the ability to formulate a real plan to reach those dreams. That happens to a lot of us when we are in our 20s. We have big ideas to start a band, be a professional writer, design a video game, or formulate the perfect math based investment strategy. We flounder and we struggle and eventually we either come up with a real plan or move on to something more realistic. It seems the author's issue was that he brought someone else on this journey who wasn't in the same place. Most of us go through this with our buddies, because they aren't really relying on you. When you have a partner at home though, things need to get real much quicker. Sounds like he grew up, formulated a plan and might a nice woman. If I were him, I'd try not to overthink it to much. Afraid of success, not afraid of success, who cares? You are on a good path. Keep going and enjoy.
This strikes home so hard.
My attempt at creating my Steem-based mag, and organizing myself with writers, setting up interviews has taken up some time, and my wife has said I spend too much time on it.
Well, it's something I've always wanted to do, and I want to try it, at least once in my life.
I don't fear failure though. If I fail, then I haven't lost anything but time and a little money, I'm just back where I started...
That's the way I see it. Not sure, if you'll find this useful but I hope so!
Stellabelle, you should really start crediting the sources of your images
I just looked for the first two, which you can find here
http://channel60.pinkvulpes.net/tag/jane-russell/
and here
http://www.corazondemelon.es/forum/t16252,53-con-un-gif-lo-dices-todo.htm
The other day tehre was a post with this image ( i don't have a pintrest account but i see them in the menu)
https://es.pinterest.com/pin/307933693246280150/
and http://giphy.com/gifs/psychedelic-psychedelia-phazed-mNkMYUU1xKPUA
and http://imgur.com/gallery/IF5d8V2
@stellabelle needs more up votes what's. Happening to Steemit? Last month it was awesome everyone ones enjoying content now it's more conservative why?
Well, I post a Secret Writer every day, and the whales have for the most part grown tired of it. They want fresh, they want new. It is ok actually. I was doing this service for FREE on Medium. The fact that I am making some money at all is unbelievable. I am, you see, in this endeavor working for the minnows. Wealth redistribution is a goal of mine, through good work. A minnow could make between $20-100 on a secret writer post, which way more than many could make on their own. They get feedback, hopefully, confidence, to start their own thing. I hope that people get inspired to start their own unique business offering that benefits others in some way. That's what I'm trying to focus new efforts on.
Great imagery and GIFs, and excellent writing as usual.
tale.@stellabelle you mentioned I forgot you when I was explaining the make up situation to @dollarvigilante. I used my alter-ego to make another piece and you have a prominent role in my little
Don't worry about it too much, enjoy it while you are still on the top. Ride it out.
I'd like to comment about "succeeding whales".
Are you fully aware?
Its the classic scenario where sometimes you work really hard to give the people you care about that extra security, and in doing so, you actually take it away.
Its so difficult to consciously hold back because in reality, business and work doesn't offer the kind of flexibility to be half committed. Particularly when you are striving for something big. Its a bit of a paradox at thend of the day.
Money is the number one cause of divorce. The movies lied to us.
There is no way to stay successful all the time. Just let it be enjoy what you are doing.
Thanks, it was a good read.
The moral of the story I got from it is to make computer your bitch not the other way around. If you're the computers bitch, the computer will just suck up your time that you would otherwise spend with others.
I tend to sabotage my own success without knowin it...
Haha, I love your collection of images! Great job!
Secret Writer, if you are reading this, I think the deeper reason of fearing success is not that you'll be envied like the whales. Besides, there is no obligation of you to be successful and show it. Your lifestyle may be exactly the same yet your bank account could be +10mn USD - and if you lived humbly, nobody would know except you.
So, what's really keeping you from succeeding is that you believe you do not deserve to succeed. Why? You have to do some soul searching.
😆
I like your stories. Thanks again
darn it, gal. You write the most moving, motivated personal stories that touches everyone hearts. May have teared up a bit. Success is building a better life but it's not without losing in touch or time as business does takes up much personal time from families and friends. It's why we always strive to make friends that understands tech world because of how much time it takes up.
Sorry mate, downvoting as it isn't contributing to the discussion. Keep on topic.