So First step was to write a list of the people who hurt me basically all injustices and perceived injustices. Starting with my family My Mom, My Dad, My Daughter, My Brother, Baby Daddy A, Baby Daddy B. Then if there is enough time I will include the friendship injustices. Friend A, Freind B, and Friend C. I have chosen to leave the names out to respect my relationship with these individuals, this challenge is solely to attain forgiveness not to hurt anyone.
I’ll start with the most hurtful, my Mom has always been my hero. She may be hurtful but her strengths can be described as admirable and I have respect for her. Unfortunately my mother only knows how to love with conditions. I believe she secretly blames me for the unfortunate circumstance life has thrown at her. What hurts the most about the relationship I had with my mother is that she sees me only as an extension to herself not as the individual I-am. So there were many scenarios I wrote down that I see as injustices. One of my earliest memories is at around the age of 3-4 when she was struggling to obtain her mechanics degree. She had no time for me, she cased her dreams, that’s why I understand now that this may be a perceived injustices. Regardless I was left in the care all too often people who were not qualified to take care of animals they were most of the time clinically depressed and only looking after children for the profit. So when I wasn’t being watched by her unfit boyfriend who was literally diagnosed with intellectual disability and received money for it., that was why they were together so that he paid half the rent. When I wasn’t looked in my room for hours on end while he called sex lines and masterbated downstairs. Back then the new kids on the block was my best friend, I plugged in my earphones and listened for hours staring out the window every night watching the kids play. Thank goodness I imagined myself in another world somehow the music was my saviour, Step by step :). When I wasn’t at home, I was at school or daycare at 3 I remember my babysitter she would wake me up everyday in the middle of nap time and stank me so hard my ass would turn beat red saying I touched her alarm clock. I lived at the mercy of the situations my mother put me in.Then I can remember at 5 years old my moms boyfriends daughter died her mom was a drug addict and April was born with many complications. She was my sister I was a child I didn’t know the difference between blood and not blood family all I knew was that she was there in my family and I loved her. When she passed away at 18months my mom changed she was empty, she was very emotionally empty. I was never allowed to go to the funeral. I never got to say good bye, I have asked my mother in my twenties and thirties to have the information of her burial where it was so that I may release the pain and accept her death. My mother does not understand my need or wants to make peace with this hurt in my heart. When I was 4 I remember my mom would leave at 5:30 in the morning to go to work my brother and I were to lock up and walk to school 2 hours later. I had forgotten my show and tell teddy bear so I told my brother he was the boss only 7 years old he gave me the okay and so excited I ran downstairs to get it and fell down the stairs. I was bleeding and an ambulance was called. After being stitched up and taken care of the fireman gave me a new stuffed bunny. I was all smiles feeling taken care of and cared for when my mom showed up she was upset at the inconvenience it caused her. I remember at 5 years old When my school librarian called my mom saying I had taken a book from school, she interrogated me and ripped me to screams verbally until we reached the library where the librarian had found the book, this was they Day I realized my mom didn’t listen or trust me. I was just a liability she was Accountable for since no one else cared. When I graduated from elementary school my mom had worked very hard sewing a Red dress together she made out of curtains, I loved that my mom cared and worked so hard to make me this dress. She was proud and I was proud until I got to school and all of my peers taunted and made fun of me all day, I was little Red ridding hood. It was hard but I kept it on just to see the smile on my Mom’s face when she saw me in the line up at the assembly for graduation day.. She forgot so I stood there melted face in this little red ridding hood dress watching the door waiting for her to come in at least late. I remember my walk home thinking maybe something bad happened but when I got there she was peaceful and asleep. The moment that would have made my heart so happy was never to be seen again I sacrificed my happiness to see her happy this was the first of many occasions to come in my life. When I was 9 my mom had a stroke she was paralyzed unable to talk walk or do anything with the grace and strength she had in her prior years really sad to see a strong independent woman change into a helpless vulnerable woman. I can still remember the people’s judgement when we went to get groceries or go to the restaurant her face slumped on one side and she had to learn how to eat and talk again her speech was slurred people disrespected her and treated her like she had an intellectual disability. Must have been hard to be trapped in a body that didn’t want to work right and a mind that had to be completely retrained. I was always careful to be caring with my mom m giving her baths doing the laundry dishes at 10 I was a child with adult responsibility. I was careful to treat her with the utmost care and love, I was in shock at first and then for so many decades after she healed she used the minipulation of her pending death to control me like a puppet, I wanted to make her happy proud, which I now know even if I won the nobel prize she would only act proud for the show. Wow over the years my mom has called me every derogatory name in the book. There is no name she hasn’t tried to tear into my heart with. She cherished my brother he was the idolized child who was wanted and planned. Alright I could literally write a book I’m 31 now and so far I have written up to about 10 years old, of hurt and perceived injustices. I’m gonna stop and move forward to the next step now.
I Forgive my Mother for being too sick
I Forgive my mom for not making enough time for me as a child.
I Forgive my Mom for not being understanding of me as an individual.
I Forgive my mother for not being a positive influence on my life.
I Forgive my mom for not knowing how to support me
I Forgive my mom for disregarding any and all support systems she had.
I Forgive my mom for not having enough healthy supportive systems in my childhood.
I Forgive my mom for being human.
I Forgive my mom for not listening to me.
I Firgive my mom for judging me.
I Forgive my mom for being overwhelmed and alone.
I Forgive my mom for shutting down emotionally on me.
I Forgive my Mom for hurting me.
I still Love my mom I will not forget but I will Forgive my mom.
You know I wrote down 7 other people that hurt me but this is the one person I need to Forgive so the others are there for me and this one is the one I can share today. Thank you for supporting my writing I needed to get this out and forgive Thank you P. E.A for this challenge I needed this peace and Love
#selfacceptance #selforgiveness #SelfLove #MakingTheWorldABetterPlaceOneSolutionATATime
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