THE PENEGRINATIONS OF A TORTURED SOUL-PART ONE- SECULARIS

I was born into a world called Secularis, long ago it had another name but the people had forgotten it.

It was a cruel and unforgiving world.

From the moment I was born, I struggled to survive, as I was not strong like the others.

I tried to connect with the other inhabitants but to no avail.

I did many things I came to regret in my quest to find favour with them.

I finally came to realise that my efforts were futile.

So I made myself a shelter, safe from harm.

I made dolls of myself that I Sent out into the world.

Each distinctly different from the other.

I made them so I could learn about the true nature of the humans of the world.

There was a superficial, provocative gold digger, a sweet naive girl, an educated well-read woman and one or two others.

They fared well out there and returned with tales of the world beyond my shelter.

We laughed at the stupidity of people, how fickle, naive and vacuous they were.

I realised that the world outside was full of psychopaths, vampires and sycophants.

This saddened me greatly.

I came to believe that perhaps there was no man anywhere worthy of my respect and admiration or indeed my love.

There were hungry wolves I waiting to devour me if I left the safety of my shelter.

I clung onto hope, albeit a vague hope, that perhaps somewhere, somehow there was a man, strong of character, full of passion, true to himself, pure of heart, thoroughly decent in every respect.

I fancied this brave knight was searching for me.

He'd been searching all his life, and that one day he'd come riding past on his pure white stallion and rescue me from a life of despair.

This was his quest.

Is it a divine gift to be “chosen?"

Or a terrible curse?

To feel disenfranchised from all others

Destined to always be alone

Can one not help but seek another?

A kindred spirit?

Only to find disappointment again and again

Each blow more brutal than the last

The spirit of mockery was almost tangible.

But it was to become even more so.......

My dolls were strong and capable, they could venture into the world without fear of harm.

I learned much and became wiser because of them.

I learned that the world was full of flatterers, many sons of Adam trying to garner favour with the daughters of Eve

Their insincerity knew no bounds

I developed an almost consuming hatred for these sycophants. These duplicitous, grovelling, base, unctuous fools, with their vulgar obsequious language, fawning and crawling and writhing in the muck.

The more they grovelled, the more they were driven, becoming more pathetic and desperate as each day passed.

How I despised them!

I hoped beyond hope that there was one, who, like me, was genuinely repelled by such vile creatures.

The rules of the game had changed dramatically.

Things once unacceptable had, not only become acceptable, but were celebrated, people had parties in the street to celebrate their wickedness.

The whole world was dancing with joy for their sins were no longer shameful.

Everyone joined in

I didn't want to join in

I was in purgatory

Damned if I did, damned if I didn't

There were So many things to deceive me out there

I daren't venture out

But One day I tentatively peeked out of my shelter

And there he was

Adam

So much time had passed, I'd almost given up hope

He was smiling at me so tenderly, with love in his eyes

Holding his arms outstretched

Beckoning me to him

“Come to me my love" he said

“I’ll love you always and forever" " I'll never harm you" " I've been searching for you all my life, I've

Always loved you, beyond the boundaries of time"

“You’re safe now" he said

“Come to me, don't be afraid"

I was afraid

It was so unexpected, I didn't know what to do.

I'd been there for so long.

But I wanted, more than anything to be held by him.

I wanted to hear his sweet words in my ear, to feel his touch on my skin.

I wanted him to protect and to take care of me.

The temptation was irresistible.

And so

I slowly ventured out.

I was much afraid.

I daren't even look at him, lest he should see my flawed character and discover that I wasn't the perfect being he believed me to be.

But he sensed my fears and reassured me.

He smiled ever so sweetly, laughed at my innocence and he said “my love", my perfect love" " my love for you is unconditional" " I'll love you always and no matter what"

“Do not fear" " I love you, faults and all.

“Completely"

I felt overwhelming joy to hear this.

I no longer feared.

And so I looked right into his eyes.

Then something happened, there are no words to describe it.

We merged into one another, we became one.

I was in him and he was in me.

It was something I never expected or imagined, but my spirit was familiar with this, I remembered it, I knew, beyond all doubt that this was the natural state of being.

Life was wonderful after that

I felt complete.

My imperfections and shortcomings were still present but his strength made up for them.

He possessed all that I lacked.

I no longer feared being in the world outside

I felt strong and confident

Because he was with me always

Protecting me and holding me close, closer than touch

The world became brighter, there was a fire within me, which had long since been extinguished, but now burned brightly.

It was a wonderful time

I felt joy which knew no bounds

This was a real man

I had believed that man had become extinct and had been replaced by hungry demons wanting to feed of what's left of man's goodness

But here he was.

Strong of character, a man of principle, wise, but not in a worldly sense, pure of heart and ever so sweet... We understood one another beyond the limitations of words

He despised all that I despised

He Loved all that I loved, beauty, purity, righteousness and justice.

He was one of the chosen ones

He hated the world

He knew he was in it, but not of it. .

He longed to go home

Then

One day

As he was holding me tenderly

He turned suddenly

And with a devilish laugh

He shook his tattered wings (I’d not noticed them before), and declared " you foolish, stupid child!"

“You’ve been tricked" and he laughed maniacally. “I lured you out, so that I could destroy you"

“oh daughter of Eve" " did you really think for a moment that I was him?"

“Did you really believe that there exists one such as him?" Then he ravaged me

And as suddenly as he'd appeared, he was gone

I was left all alone and naked in the wilderness

Shocked, Bewildered and somewhat slightly dazed.

I didn't know the way back to my shelter.

I feared I would be lost in the wilderness forever more.

Night began to fall, it was becoming dark

When the darkness reached its peak, it was darker than I had ever known

I’d never felt so alone and afraid.

I knew not what to do

It was such a long and lonely night

I could hear the wolves howling in the distance and the vultures circled above.

I thought the night would never end

I hoped it had all been a dream, and that my love was real, that he'd return and hold me again and tell me it had all just been a terrible nightmare

But alas, it wasn't so.

After what seemed like forever, dawn broke and I could see the first rays of light.

I finally found my way back to my shelter, weak, dirty and bedraggled

I crawled back in and cowered in the corner like a frightened animal

Never again would I venture out.

I decided to destroy all my dolls

I didn't need to learn anymore about the world outside

I'd learned enough

There was no goodness to be found

The children of Adam had all been taken over by evil monsters

Truth was dead.

One day I looked out the window and I saw him again

To mock me even further, he was playing the part of a grovelling sycophant to the utmost degree.

Flirting with a group of silly, facile women.

Fawning, bowing and scraping, saying the most ludicrously insincere things.

He boasted and bragged of the beautiful women he'd bedded in the past, hoping it would make him more desirable in their eyes.

The women laughed at him and thought him a fool, but their demons became active when they realised there was food to be had and vied for attention.

Fighting each other for scraps

The women began to expose more of their flesh because their demons told them to.

Their hunger was insatiable.

One portly wanton trollop sat backwards on a chair, naked, in a most lewd and indecent fashion.

The sight of the exposed flesh egged him on ever further and caused him to behave in the most indecorous and unrepentant manner.

His own demons were mocking him and incited him to behave even more shamelessly.

Driven on, he abandoned himself to demonic lust.

An evil beast approached him, disguised as a buxom wench, half naked, her eyelids painted and she was adorned with trinkets and embellishments.

She cast a spell over him.

He swallowed what little pride he had left and puckered his lips. His knees were shaking, his cheeks aflame, such was the profound effect she had on him.

She threw her head back and laughed hysterically

Then she looked at him with the utmost derision and spat in his face

This caused him to fall down at her feet and worship her.

He felt deeply honoured that she'd favoured him with her attentions and chosen him above others to expose his unworthiness and he longed to find favour with her anyway he could.

He hoped that she would notice him again and he made an idol of her and carried it around.

The pain I felt was almost unbearable

Like a knife being driven into me

My grief was such as I'd never known or imagined.

I felt such deep pity for him.

Afflicted with the curse of Adam, as all men are.

Dancing happily along to the tune of the piper

Completely unaware that the music would cease and he'd be left at the cliffs edge, surrounded by wolves

The women and other people he fawned over would transform into hideous beasts and the shame he'd feel would be beyond anything he'd ever known

It saddened me more than I could say

To see such a sight

My Adam had been real, but he was nowhere to be found.

He'd been snatched from me and replaced with a grotesque monster.

He'd become a pawn of the evil creatures which had now taken over the world.

I grieved deeply

I could no longer bear to watch this salacious display of reckless abandoned debauchery

I closed the shutters and vowed never to look out of the window again

There was nothing worth seeing out there.

It was all too painful.

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